Hey, I'm John. Here’s my weird little life. I can’t really remember my first 6 years of my life, so, I'll start from when I was seven. My parents and I were driving to the arcade and we had a semi truck slammed into the front of our tiny Volvo station wagon. As you may have guessed, my parents died. Like, that isn’t survivable… whatsoever. I awoke out of a 2-year coma only to find that my extended family and brother were killed in similar “accidents”. So, all of my inheritance was given to my dad’s sketchy lawyer. It would have been given to me if that dumba** lawyer didn’t spend it all.
I, however, ended up in an orphanage by the name of “Kids Kalling for Kindness”. Yes, the Acronym is K.K.K. and no one wants a kid from an orphanage with that name. The place kicked me out on my 18th birthday and I was left to fend for myself. I tried getting a job. That didn’t work. I tried street performing. That didn’t work. I tried panhandling. That also didn’t work.
But, eventually, I got a blessing… well technically it was a curse, but who cares! A guy came up to me in a really fancy suit and asked if I needed a job. I obviously said, “HELL, YES!” because I was young and had no clue what the real world was like. He responded to that stupid remark with, “Yes, it does involve hell”. He held out a piece of paper, “Sign this”.
So I grabbed the paper, signed it, and out of nowhere I burst into flames. Blah… blah… blah… two years later; I end up being a very accomplished semi-demon hitman. I was given the title of “The Blood Hunter”, by Satan and God. Yes, Satan and God work together. I found rogue guardian angels, killed them, and I was granted new tools to hunt them down. On my 21st birthday, I didn’t go to a bar to get my first beer. But, I sure as home (get it… ‘cause I live in Hell) went to a bar to find a guardian angel. However, Satan told me that this rogue angel was highly dangerous. I responded with a stern, “Understood.”
I arrived at the bar, ironically named the “Guardian Angel”. I got off my Ducati Monster, locked my helmet up, and walked in. INSTANTLY, I see from across the bar, this really hot girl. But, I had to focus on my mission. Find and kill the guardian angel. I sat down to scope out the bar. But, every few minutes, I kept locking eyes with that girl. So, I went over to the bar and sat down next to her. I feel that I may have come on a bit strong due to the very abrupt statement toward her, “You are really f**kin’ hot.”
She slapped me (I knew I deserved it) and the bar went quiet. Then out of nowhere, she flew at me and started kissing me. The bar members went back to what they were doing and this random girl kept kissing me. I damn near had to push her off. She had one hell of an angelic kiss. Then I realized and thought, “Oh sh*t. She’s the angel.”
So, I started kissing her again. I don’t think anyone saw it coming, but as I stopped kissing her, I blew her brains out with my demonic, .50 caliber revolver. Then, I had to check if the girl had the glowing, gold cross necklace that every G.A. (guardian angel) wears. I checked, and I was right she was the rogue G.A. and I completed my mission. However, the people in the bar seemed a bit angry. I found this out by getting shot in the right shoulder while turning around to leave. I feel that I should leave out the gory details. So, about five minutes later, all those angry people were… well… let’s just say they went “missing”
When I went back to HQ, Satan called me over to his desk. We’re in the present now. By the way. “You called me,” I say to him. “Yes,” He responds. He pulls out his gun. “WHAT THE FU...” I get out of my mouth before I fly across the room, interrupted by receiving a big bloody hole in my chest. “Oh f**k, he’s walking over…” I'm thinking. He says in a sarcastic way, “Thank you.” He is pointing the gun at me. “OH F**K PLEASE N…”
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BOOM!
