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None of his neighbors have noticed Gerald's nightly trips to his garage, and they don't pay much attention to his morning excursions in search of glass containers. No one has seen his immense collection of bottles and jars. If they had, they would have seen that each container has a small label, usually made of masking tape, adhered to the front. And upon closer examination, they would notice that each label has writing upon it. No one has ever read the writing on the labels, or recognized the names that they contain.
Some of the names could be easily read, while the older ones have faded until their words are now totally indecipherable. Even Gerald can't read most of the labels, but this does not concern him too much, he just shrugs his shoulders and decides to worry about such problems later. At this point in time, he is far too busy just trying to find an empty space to pile more bottles and jars.
He reaches upward and finds an empty area above the steel door, where the concrete block of the garage's walls meet the wooden rafters of the ceiling. He slides a mason jar over about an inch and notices that the label reads: "Ralph - my next-door neighbor." Gerald smiles, and wishes that he could remember Ralph's last name, but he still can't. He doesn't let that bother him for long though, he knows that he can always look it up in the "Great Book of Life," which is a huge computer database that keeps track of such things. If only he could remember where he put it.
Gerald leans against the door and scratches his chin. "Venus, I think," he mumbles to himself, "...or maybe I left it inside Haley's comet..."
He grunts and starts to stack another hundred or so bottles, until only about two feet of the garage's floor can be seen and the only reason he left that uncovered was because he needed to get back out of the door. He then looks up and around at the monstrous wall of jars that surround him. "One of these days," he sighs, "...one of these days..."
The harsh light from the hanging light bulb casts long, slender reflections upon the multitude of glass containers, revealing their emptiness. If someone were to break into the garage and study all of the jars, they would probably think that it was merely an amazing amount of labeled, empty jars. They would not realize that each jar contains something of great importance to everyone that has ever lived.
Inside each of the jars is an almost invisible mist. A wavering, swirling vapor that once resided inside a human being. From a container of flesh and bone, the countless souls of dead humans have passed, and now reside within containers of glass. The souls of history, of every king and peasant, every wise person and fool, rich person and poor alike, believers and atheists, the good and the evil, are all housed together on a shelf in Gerald's garage, or inside his basement, or in a pile somewhere in his house. The entire ancestry of the human race is now contained within small glass jars which are slowly gathering dust in numerous vast, neglected heaps.
He squeezes himself out of the door and presses the large padlock shut. He then begins to walk back toward the house, thinking of how one day he'll get started on constructing a heaven for all these souls, and for some, maybe even a hell. One day he'll open all the jars and set the confined souls free, and allow them to dwell in their eternal homes.
"One day..." He tells himself, "...well, perhaps...someday."
He has always meant to do it and he certainly doesn't want anyone to learn how he's continued to put it off. The truth is, after spending six days creating the universe and everything living in it, he decided to take the seventh day off, and he enjoyed it so much that he never really went back to work after that.
Gerald reassures himself as he walks through his backyard. His mind drifts back to an earlier time and he remembers the events that took place back then as if they had happened only yesterday. He remembers how pleased he was when he created Adam and Eve, how truly proud it made him feel. They made for good company and he had many conversations with them whenever he walked through the garden of Eden or rested there and viewed its beauty. They kept the place nice and tidy and kept the weeds at bay and maintained all the animal's fur, keeping them nicely brushed and clean.
He remembers the day he said unto Adam: "See that tree over there...the one with the ugly purple fruit?"
"Yea."
"Don't either of you eat anything off of that, okay? It tastes horrible."
Adam scratched his head, "Looks horrible, too. He squinted his eyes and looked back at God, "But, why would you put it here, if we're not supposed to eat of it?"
God took a deep breathe, "Because I had to put it somewhere!" He grunted, feeling a bit perturbed, "Look, I'll make a little special place for it, maybe on another planet and put it there, but until then, don't eat it, right?"
"Okay...uh, what's a planet?"
"Don't worry about that. Stay focused. Don't eat its fruit, okay?"
"Yea. Sure."
A few days later, Adam walked up to God with a large palm leaf covering his naughty bits. God was sitting on a boulder and watching several cute bunnies frolicking about.
"Adam? What's up with that palm leaf?" God asked, "Have you become ashamed of your nakedness?"
Adam frowned and hunched over a little. "Kind of...I guess."
"Really? Why?"
"Because Eve keeps pointing at my genitals and laughing in a most uproarious way! I must admit it has upset me much and filled me with major insecurities."
God laughed and said, "Well, truth is, her 'lady parts' probably wouldn't win any beauty contests either."
"That's what I said!" Adam exclaimed, "And then I said I thought her hips were getting bigger!"
"Yea? What did she say?"
"She threw a rock at me!"
God suddenly frowned and looked suspiciously at Adam. "Hmmm...Did you eat of the fruit that I told you not to eat thereof?"
"Well...yea..." Adam mumbled and bowed his head. He then raised his chin and shouted, "But Eve made me do it!'
"Oh, so you're going to blame it all on your wife?!"
"Well?!" Adam yelped, "You think that's bad?! She blamed it all on a snake!"
A few hours later, God stood in front of both Adam and Eve and questioned them about their behaviors. Eve was conciliatory but pointed toward Adam's palm frond and said, "C'mon, you have to admit, it's a little funny looking?"
Adam grunted and quickly asserted, "You weren't saying that last night..."
God let out a long sigh and then composed himself, smiled, and replied, "Okay...perhaps I should have spent more time on the matter. But, I was in kind of a hurry." He opened his arms and pleaded. "Look, you two have just made everything horribly more complicated. You don't understand. You had it all...beautiful place to live, plenty of food, nice climate, and now you've blown it."
A large alabaster gate suddenly materialized nearby and God pointed toward it. "I'm sorry, but you both have to go."
"But why?" Eve cried out.
"You two have eaten of the Tree of Knowledge. You now know the difference between good and bad," God shook his head, "I'll never hear the end of it! You'll spend your days blaming me for everything! You'll eat everything in the garden and somehow or another you'll eventually find a way to burn the entire place to the ground and then claim it was an accident."
He stood upon a rock and yelled, "And then...you'll expect me to pay you for your labors! Nope! I'm sorry, but you two have to go!"
They pleaded some more but God wasn't changing his mind. He gave them a wave goodbye, said, "Good luck" and closed the gate behind them. After a few moments, the entire place vanished, leaving Adam and Eve alone in an unforgiving world. They shrugged their shoulders, sighed, and eventually found a nice little dark cave, where they had sex for the next 16 straight hours.
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Gerald pours a can of soup into a medium sized pot and then adds some water. He turns the stove on and starts to hum. His mind drifts back to another time and another face in the past:
"Moses! Why are you here? I told you not to bother me on my mountain."
"Sorry..." Moses humbly replied. He had long gray hair and a beard and didn't look anything like Charleston Heston. "I brought you some scrolls and papyrus pages for you to inspect." He said.
"What?" God grabbed the stack of documents and began leafing through them. "What is this?"
"It's your holy words, your honor."
" I didn't write any of this..."
"I know," Moses replied, "I did...well, most of it...but I was hoping you might sign it, or authorize it or maybe just sponsor it."
"What?"
"Maybe you could write, like, a 'foreword' or 'prologue' for it."
"Are you kidding me?"
"Well, how about something at the end that kind of ties everything together?"
"No!" God pulls out a page and holds it up. "What's this... ten commandments?!"
"It is like a...uh...guideline for how to live...and worship you."
God frowned. "You know...in all these eons...no other animal has ever had to write down how they should treat one another. No dolphin, elephant or even an ant. You people need a guideline for that? You actually need me to tell you not to kill one another? Is that it?"
Moses just stammered. "Well, we are a little more complicated than those other creatures..."
"Not really!" God suddenly exclaimed, "Nope...not really." He then began to walk away but turned and yelled out, "You can quote me on that! Yea, yea...you can put that in your book!"
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Gerald looks out of the kitchen and into his den. There are jars stacked against every wall, around the sink and table, on the window sill and radiator. He walks slowly into the den and sets a bowl of soup upon the little coffee table in front of his couch. He looks over at the coat closet in his den and walks over and opens the door. Inside are millions of floating souls. Tiny little misty hurricanes floating about. They collect here, arriving every night from around the world and the closet is thick with them. Feeling suddenly quite despondent, Gerald slowly closes the door. He is obviously running way behind.
He returns to the kitchen and grabs a package of crackers and pours himself a large glass of milk. When he sits down on the couch, a small black-and-white cat suddenly materializes next to him. It purrs and nuzzles the side of his hip.
"Hello, Wiggles, it is nice to see you." He says and briefly reaches over to stroke the cat's neck.
He turns the TV on and begins to watch the evening news, but his mind is far away. He thinks about the huge underground storage facility under the city of Jerusalem that he had made centuries ago. It contains millions of ancient clay jars and urns, and is completely full. He remembers the one deep under the ground in Greenland – full as well. As are the caves in Thailand and India. As is his old home in Costa Rica. There is also a warehouse in Bakersville, California and another outside Zurich, Switzerland. All are full of various types of containers and souls. And now his humble little house is nearly full.
He crumbles the crackers into the soup and eats a couple of spoonful's. "Well, Wiggles, I guess I'll either have to get another place or build an eternal resting place for all these folks. Heh, I wasn't expecting them to multiply this fast or make it this long."
Wiggles meows and rolls over on his back. Gerald rubs the cat's belly and starts to smile. "Or..." he suddenly perks up, "I could buy a warehouse nearby...or build another underground facility..." He pats the cat's head, "Y'know, I could probably put a bunch in one of those abandoned salt mines..."
He hums and looks up at the ceiling. "Maybe...there's a nice cave system nearby that I could expand upon."
Mr. Wiggles curls about and loudly purrs. Gerald takes another spoonful of soup and stares at the TV. "Heh-heh...I really shouldn't worry so much..." he laughs.
"I have all the time in the world."
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END
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