At exactly midnight, my phone buzzed.

“Happy Birthday, bro.”

A simple message. No emojis, no unnecessary embellishments. Just three words from Alex, my younger brother.

I stared at the screen for a moment longer than necessary. Not because I was surprised—though a part of me had been, every year—but because of what this seemingly ordinary text represented.

Years ago, when we were younger, birthdays had been just another day to him. I would stay up every year to be the first to wish him, but it had always been a one-sided effort. He had never reciprocated. Not because he had forgotten, but because he simply hadn’t cared for such things. He hadn’t been the sentimental type, and I had long accepted that.

I didn’t know when that changed. One year, I had received a midnight message. Then the next, and the next. At some point, it had become a quiet ritual—one that neither of us ever acknowledged out loud, but one that continued, unfaltering, year after year.

It had been a small thing, really. A handful of words that had taken less than a few seconds to type. But somehow, they had carried the weight of something more.

Perhaps that was what this was all about. The things we never said, hidden in the things we did. Love, tucked away in the quietest corners of our lives.

Maybe love hadn’t always looked the way I had expected it to. Maybe it hadn’t been grand gestures or perfectly timed celebrations. Maybe, sometimes, love had just been a text at midnight—a quiet reassurance that even when life had pulled us in different directions, even when words had gone unsaid, we had still been thinking of each other.

Perhaps that had been enough. Perhaps that had been what love had looked like, in its simplest, most unspoken form.

So.

It's been a while.

Thought I'd pop back in and say hi to whoever still exists on this hellsite. Hello, to all my old friends. I love you all, and you're amazing.

A little writing update: I've started, like, four new books. Don't judge me.

Nothing too massive has happened in my life. I got my driver's permit. Bought tickets to MCR's reunion tour. Got the new Hunger Games book.

Anyways, just wanted to say hi to y'all! If anyone wants to talk, my DMs are always open <3

Love all of you!

-Twain

Was I Ever There?

The rain poured steadily, wrapping the surroundings in a rhythmic hum as droplets splashed against the pavement. Yuen stood outside the university, hands tucked into the pockets of his jacket, eyes scanning the street for any available ride. He had forgotten his umbrella—again. It wasn’t the first time, and it probably wouldn’t be the last.

"You don’t have an umbrella, do you?"

Chase’s voice cut through the sound of the rain. He stood beside Yuen, holding a black umbrella with a slightly worn-out handle, proof of years of use.

Yuen glanced at him and gave a small shrug. "I forgot."

Chase sighed, shaking his head slightly before stepping closer, extending the umbrella over Yuen. The rain had grown heavier, and if he didn’t do this, Yuen would be soaked within minutes. Without a word, Chase lifted a hand and placed it gently on Yuen’s shoulder, pulling him slightly closer to keep him dry under the canopy.

A simple gesture, a small act of care.

But to Yuen, it was nothing. He barely reacted—he didn’t flinch, didn’t stiffen under the touch. Instead, all he offered was a neutral, almost dismissive, "Thanks."

Chase let out a soft chuckle, though it was more for himself than anything else. "You’re always like this, Yuen," he murmured, half teasing, half resigned.

Yuen raised a brow. "What?"

Chase hesitated. He wanted to say it—to voice out the emotions he had been suppressing for years. But, as always, he bit back the words. Instead, he simply shook his head and let the silence settle between them as they walked side by side, the rain falling around them like a quiet reminder of things left unsaid.

For years, Chase had been doing this—offering small pieces of himself in ways Yuen never noticed, never acknowledged beyond a simple, indifferent, "Thanks."

But how much longer could he endure being unnoticed?

The class began soon after. Most students listened attentively—except for Yuen. It was obvious he wasn’t paying attention, though his eyes idly followed the teacher’s movements at the front of the room. The lesson continued, but he remained slouched over his desk, one hand holding a pen while the other rested near his cheek. At a glance, he looked like he was listening, but if one observed closely, a faint smile played on his lips as he quietly hummed along to the music in his earphones.

When the break came, the students hurried out of the classroom. As always, Yuen stayed behind, scrolling through his playlist, searching for a song to match his mood.

Before leaving, Chase glanced at him for a moment. But he didn’t say anything—he simply walked away.

At the cafeteria, Chase’s friends were teasing him about his love life.

"Dude, why don’t you have a girlfriend yet? Almost every girl here likes you!" one of them laughed.

"Yeah! You should just say yes to one of them. You never run out of admirers, bro!"

Chase smiled but shook his head. "I’m not interested right now, man."

Just then, Vivian arrived—effortlessly stunning as always. She confidently walked up to Chase and took the seat beside him, her long hair cascading over her shoulder.

"Chase, why were you ignoring me earlier? You knew I was waiting for you outside your classroom, right?" she pouted, playfully resting her chin on her palm while looking up at him.

Chase let out a small chuckle. "Sorry, Vivian. I really didn’t notice."

Vivian leaned in closer, tracing small circles on Chase’s arm. "And now? Do you notice me now?" she asked, batting her eyelashes flirtatiously.

Their friends whistled and cheered teasingly, making Vivian giggle. "You know, Chase, you’re so unfair. You make every girl here fall for you, yet you don’t even give anyone a chance."

"It’s not like that," Chase replied, smiling but not really answering her statement.

But Vivian wasn’t about to give up. She moved even closer, almost whispering against his ear. "You know, a lot of people are curious about you, especially... your size." She laughed softly, making Chase raise an eyebrow.

"Cut it out, Vivian," he chuckled, clearly unaffected. "You’re thinking too much about the wrong things."

"Oh? So is there something I should be thinking about, Chase?" Vivian teased, biting her lower lip.

Their friends erupted into laughter.

"Damn, bro. Think you can handle it if Vivian takes the lead? You might not survive!" one of them joked.

Chase smirked. "You underestimate me too much."

On the other side of the campus, Esreld spotted Yuen sitting alone under a tree, flipping through a book with his earphones still in.

He approached and tapped Yuen on the shoulder. "Hey, Yuen. What’s that?"

Yuen looked up and immediately turned off his music. "Ah, nothing. Just passing time."

"Can we take a picture?" Esreld suddenly asked.

Yuen frowned. "Why?"

"So we can put it up on our class door frame. You’re probably the only one left without a picture there," Esreld teased.

Yuen sighed but eventually smiled. "Fine, fine. Let's get this over with."

They walked over to the display of student photos. As Yuen scanned the pictures, his gaze landed on one particular image—Chase, smiling while surrounded by girls, clearly enjoying their attention.

He rolled his eyes. "Whatever," he mumbled under his breath before turning back to Esreld.

Esreld took out a polaroid camera, positioning himself beside Yuen. "Let’s go," he said.

The first shot was a casual pose. The second one, Esreld playfully made bunny ears behind Yuen’s head.

And for the third, Esreld suddenly pulled Yuen closer—close enough that it almost looked like they were about to kiss.

Yuen’s eyes widened slightly, but he didn’t pull away. The camera clicked, capturing the moment perfectly. When Yuen saw the result, he let out a soft laugh.

"That’s enough, or people might start thinking there’s something between us," he joked, though he didn’t seem to mind too much.

Esreld smirked. "And what if I actually want there to be something between us?"

Yuen rolled his eyes playfully. "Don’t go looking for trouble, Esreld."

After getting the prints, Yuen carefully placed them on the class display.

"There. Now I'm officially part of this wall. Happy?"

Esreld grinned. "Very. Now, let’s eat!"

The two walked off toward the cafeteria.

Later, when the students returned from their break—including Chase and Vivian—the classroom buzzed with excitement.

"Is that Yuen?? Sheesh! He’s not even wearing glasses!" one of their classmates gasped.

Chase turned toward the class display, his eyes landing on the pictures of Yuen and Esreld together. His gaze froze on the last one—the almost-kiss pose.

His grip on his bag strap tightened.

Something inside him stirred. A feeling he hadn’t quite acknowledged before.

Jealousy.

The jetty of Pulau Pangkor, it never changes.

_Between pages and an empty space_

It's somewhere in the depths of night

Where my mind is wavering the fight

I'm a romance writer

A darn good fighter

Not wanting to give in

To this so called thing

Love! Ha! A little cynical I know

But really does the words on the pages not show

The way the ink bleeds into the page

The way it's all a maze

Somewhere between the clouds and the cold hard floor

Somewhere between not living without your love and not wanting a single ounce of pain no more

Somewhere lost between the fantasy of church bells

And how outta love you fell

Its reality I tell myself

Its right there on every bookshelf

How two people fall in love, on page one

And as the pages turned, into chapters, here I am left alone.

Your loving arms, something I used to know

Clutching to our photo frame

Here and now

Whispering your name

The salt water rolling down my cheeks, without a single trace

I'm left with our memories, a broken heart and in my bed there's an empty space.

- Denesca van Eck

- 25 March 2025

Amidst the grandeur and quiet chaos of London—a city where Roman relics rest beneath Georgian terraces, and where modern life hums politely along cobblestone streets—my younger brother Alex and I found our footing, guided, with no small degree of resolve, by the discerning hands of our traditionally-minded Asian parents. Their values, imported intact from another world, often stood at odds with the more laissez-faire philosophies of our peers, carving for us a life at the interstice of heritage and assimilation.

Our dining table, modest in appearance yet rich in symbolism, served as the epicentre of this cultural convergence. Whilst our classmates spoke fondly of roast dinners and treacle puddings, we supped on jasmine rice delicately spooned into porcelain bowls, stir-fried greens glistening with sesame oil, and steamed fish so artfully prepared it required no adornment. These were not simply meals, but edible heirlooms—culinary rituals passed down with quiet ceremony. In our home, affection seldom came in the form of effusive praise, but rather in a sharpened pencil left beside our textbooks, or the soft murmur of approval at the sight of a well-written essay.

Recreation, as our contemporaries knew it, was something of a foreign concept. Birthday parties in suburban gardens, weekend matches at the local football pitch—these were events we attended on occasion, but never quite inhabited. Our Saturdays, by contrast, were devoted to the more austere pursuits of Chinese calligraphy, supplementary mathematics, and the careful cultivation of virtue through discipline. Our parents—resolute, unwavering—were not tyrannical in their approach, merely principled. They saw education as the great leveller, the one currency accepted without prejudice.

At school, the distinctions became quietly apparent. Where our classmates were encouraged to speak freely, we were taught to listen attentively. Where others relished spontaneity, we moved with deliberation. The concept of "saving face", a cornerstone of our familial ethos, found little resonance in the candid exchanges of our peers. And so, Alex and I grew into our roles as observers—present, but never wholly immersed, like well-behaved guests at an unfamiliar dinner party.

Yet, in this distance lay a peculiar kind of freedom. Straddling two cultures required a quiet dexterity, a form of social translation that, over time, became second nature. We learnt to code-switch with the elegance of diplomats, never quite native in either world, but fluent in both. The decorum impressed upon us at home did not stifle us—it anchored us. In a city as protean as London, that anchorage became a gift.

With time, what once appeared as a fissure revealed itself to be a seam—something that joined rather than divided. The tensions between East and West no longer felt irreconcilable, but rather, like opposing notes in a well-written fugue. We learnt to reconcile the pursuit of excellence with the permission to err, to hold our heritage not as a burden, but as ballast.

In the end, it was not our difference that defined us, but the grace with which we learnt to inhabit it. And in a city famed for its contradictions—its empire and its elegance, its rigidity and its reinvention—we found, quietly but assuredly, our place.

[Verse]

Eres mi calma, mi dulce paz

Tu voz me aleja de la tempestad

En tus abrazos respiro al fin

Tu mano tibia me sana a mí

Eres mi héroe, mi inspiración

Si estás conmigo, no hay perdición

[Pre-chorus]

Eres mi guía, mi gran diamante

Mi luz más pura, mi estrella brillante

Soy tu fortuna, tu gran capítulo

Eres un león de fuego indómito

[Chorus]

Cuando el mar rugiente nos quiera atrapar

Tú eres mi reino, mi dulce hogar

Mi melodía, mi sinfonía

Algo me dice que eres mi vida

Si pido ayuda y grito tu nombre

Cruzas la niebla, la lluvia y el borde

Sin dudar, sin miedo al dolor

Eres un héroe, un gran luchador

[Post-chorus]

Oh, cielo, sé mi ancla en el mar

Sin ti, como un cisne voy a vagar

Oh, vida, sé mi refugio en la tempestad

Sin ti, no soy más que un alma sin paz

[Verse 2]

Eres mi alma, mi protección

Tu voz me salva de la oscuridad

Contigo enfrento cualquier terror

Tus dulces labios me sanan el dolor

Eres mi lobo, mi gran bastión

Si estás conmigo, alcanzo el sol

[Pre-chorus]

Eres mi guía, mi gran diamante

Mi luz más pura, mi estrella brillante

Soy tu fortuna, tu gran capítulo

Eres un león de fuego indómito

[Chorus]

Cuando el mar rugiente nos quiera atrapar

Tú eres mi reino, mi dulce hogar

Mi melodía, mi sinfonía

Algo me dice que eres mi vida

Si pido ayuda y grito tu nombre

Cruzas la niebla, la lluvia y el borde

Sin dudar, sin miedo al dolor

Eres un héroe, un gran luchador

[Post-chorus]

Oh, cielo, sé mi ancla en el mar

Sin ti, como un cisne voy a vagar

Oh, vida, sé mi refugio en la tempestad

Sin ti, no soy más que un alma sin paz

[Bridge]

Tus besos saben a un dulce edén

Tus abrazos quiebran todo el hielo

Tu mirada enciende mi ser

Eres mi fuego, mi ardiente anhelo

[Pre-chorus]

Oh, oh, oh, oh

(Sé mi ancla, sé mi refugio)

Yeah-ah, yeah-ah, yeah-ah

[Chorus]

Cuando el mar rugiente nos quiera atrapar (nos quiera atrapar)

Tú eres mi reino, mi dulce hogar (mi dulce hogar)

Mi melodía, mi sinfonía

Algo me dice que eres mi vida

Si pido ayuda y grito tu nombre (tu nombre)

Cruzas la niebla, la lluvia y el borde (lluvia y el borde)

Sin dudar, sin miedo al dolor

Eres un héroe, un gran luchador

[Post-chorus]

Oh, cielo, sé mi ancla en el mar

(Mi ancla en el mar, oh-oh)

Oh, vida, sé mi refugio en la tempestad

(Mi refugio en la tempestad, whoa, whoa)

[Outro]

Eres mi ancla...

Wake me up, in the middle of the night.

Caught off guard, missing you like a slide.

Moonlit path, lead to the place I can't reside.

Tangling heart, try to leave your smile behind.

Chilling dark, seed of hope grew into a blight.

Stay or part, no longer I can decide.

こんばんは、はやなです。

距離上一次更新居然是一年前了啊……time flies。由於腦袋因爲整個2024年變化太大，整個人從NF變NT，感情大概是被扼殺完了吧……

倒不如説是選擇性，我只有在讓我舒服且可以信任的環境下才表達情感，比如同樣很N的朋友、動漫場次等令我舒服的圈子。畢竟之前很正常地表達情感卻被當傻子，真心換玩弄這種事情明知上當還要繼續，怕不是斯德哥爾摩症候群。

不知道爲什麽，個人突然覺得隨意告訴別人自己的喜好和情感是一件愚蠢的事——因爲你永遠都不知道對方是不是可以信任的？會不會接納或欣賞你的愛好？

慶幸的是，2024下半年就遇到一群一起怪怪一起推坑的同好們。而且現在的小朋友，心理和素質分分鐘還比大人强很多。搞事的就除外，主要還得看家教

而且重點是遇到的都是正常人（不是指愛好奇怪是三觀正常，對我來説只要不涉及害人的愛好都是正常的），十分慶幸（？）。畢竟在Audit那段時期不管是去個場次還是出新加坡見老闆，路上都能遇到非得要把你身份刨根問底的傢夥，太可怕了。才發現分分鐘怪人不在場次在反而在場次外。我還真遇過，嚇到之後PTSD不敢去場次，誰知道下一個司機也是這樣/遇到同個司機

去年參加的角川百萬也是華麗落選了，雖然早就預料之内，但令我驚訝的是去年大獎懸空……真的不知道是水準偏低還是剛好沒碰上評審團的喜好。最可惜的是《明日網紅》居然因爲大綱不夠字數沒選上好可惜……暗暗告白如果大綱字數夠這部可以角逐大獎

講那麽多，最後靠人不如靠己。有沒有内定說不好講，但我只知道與其等人發掘不如主動出擊……所以接下來的事情會和下一步有關係。

如配圖所示，我終於過JLPT N4了（抹淚

而且還是在年頭小寶寶同事各種衝康Audit Team使絆子情緒綁架+公司重組全員解散沒有工作懷疑人生的情況下，臨時抱佛脚考上的。我還記得上課的時候怎麽比以前還不集中了呢……好難過。

大概是爲了讓小寶寶同事明白「不是每個人都像你一樣工作家裏兩點一綫」+「條條大路通羅馬不用拘泥於一條路」這兩點，加上有時周末要出門時間配合不到，特地把班換到周二晚上，讓她投鼠忌器。整天Audit下來晚上還要上課，那個負荷……懂的都懂。反正我腦袋怎麽好像轉不動了，前幾天同天連續上兩堂課頭痛死了。

更記得的是考前一周還生病，病好閉門不出就光刷題，進到考場突然發現……詞匯那邊怎麽好像打開新世界不太理解……靠，快收卷的時候才想起來。

聽力測試還遇到前半段咳嗽聼不清楚趕不上，已經做好最壞打算不及格了的，沒有想到大年初三收到成績——幹啊踩在及格綫上好險……雖然及格了但和N5比怎麽覺得自己好垃圾啊……至少上次還有98分（N5及格綫80/180）.

結合上一條根本在角川看不到希望可能是我自己腦回路太奇怪社會不接受那點來看，才有了最近開來做日文output的日志。其實我就想看看讚歌祭寫成日文會是怎樣的。

如果讚歌祭日文化？

最後是讚歌祭的走向。剛剛才把Scandal第一階段寫完，由於中間多了很多綫要引爆+埋+解釋、加上之後進新公司環境特別toxic天天内耗影響進程+過年家庭各種道德施壓，相比之前兩部拖了不少時間……對藉口那麽多感覺自己好爛，但都是真實的。反正在這一塊表現就是爛爛的下半年（不太滿意），場次除外。

爛完了應該否極泰來吧？雖然講作者不許講自己爛就是了。接下來大概就是目前進度全抓蟲潤稿順便找埋好的綫作爲Scandal第二部曲填的坑+不定期更新日文output日志+存錢委托封面。

至於什麽時候Scandal第二部曲開跑……日後通知，等我什麽時候做完這三件事。

至於INXP人創作二三事，因爲感覺接下來很長一段時間用不到+開頭講了害怕表達情感讓自己看起來很蠢且會不會再次被人當玩具（不經我同意下），所以就刪掉了。如有不便先説聲對不起，因爲我覺得那個只能算個人心得不能當教學沒有人想看

結尾就用年底委托小天老師的創介色紙來wrap up……提醒一下自己坑未填完好好寫別對不起老師的妙筆生花……我不會説話但他好可愛嗚嗚兔兔睡衣啊嘶……

In the heart of Central, hidden beneath the gilded eaves of The Landmark, there exists a place where time seems to fold upon itself. L'Atelier de Joël Robuchon, with its dark lacquered wood and crimson velvet, felt less like a restaurant and more like a quiet sanctuary. I remember it vividly: the hush of refined voices, the gleam of polished cutlery, the low murmur of French being exchanged between chefs behind the counter. It was sometime in 2009, and I was there with my father and my younger brother, Alex.

We had slipped away from the rest of the world for an afternoon—not for celebration, not even for any particular occasion, but simply to spend time together. It was a brief escape, a shared pause amid lives that were, even then, beginning to pull in different directions. My father had always been a man of precision and quiet dignity, and Alex, though still young, had inherited much of his calm. I was somewhere in between: old enough to appreciate, young enough to still observe from the edge.

The memory returns with the fragrance of freshly baked bread. The bread trolley was, and perhaps still is, the restaurant's most understated triumph. There was something almost ceremonial about the way it was wheeled to our table: a polished cart brimming with miniature baguettes, buttery brioches, crusty rolls, and flaky croissants, each one a story in its own right. We were told we could try as many as we wished. My brother's eyes lit up in that moment, and even my father, usually so composed, allowed himself a brief smile at the abundance.

We chose slowly, deliberately. I remember a tiny olive roll, warm to the touch, and a caramelised onion focaccia that left the faintest sweetness on the tongue. Butter was served in perfect curls on chilled silver. There was no pretence here, only perfection. I can still recall the way the bread broke in my fingers—a satisfying crackle that gave way to soft warmth. We didn’t speak much then, but we didn’t need to. These were the sorts of moments that sat quietly between us, unspoken but understood.

The meal itself felt like a masterclass in restraint. The amuse-bouche arrived in a glass, a layered symphony of sea urchin, lobster jelly, and cauliflower cream. It was the sort of dish that could have overwhelmed, but didn’t. A lesson in humility, as all good food should be. There is something deeply moving in a dish that is confident enough not to dazzle, but instead to invite.

My father chose the lamb, tender and blushing pink, with jus that shimmered like lacquer. I had the langoustine ravioli, delicately wrapped and bathing in a truffle sauce that whispered, never shouted. Alex, still a boy then, ordered a roast chicken, but it came reimagined—golden, deboned, and served with a medley of vegetables so precisely cut they could have been arranged with tweezers. He asked, without irony, if all vegetables in France were cut like this. We laughed quietly.

Between courses, we spoke little. Not out of distance, but reverence. The space called for a kind of hushed appreciation, the kind one usually reserves for cathedrals or libraries. Yet there was no stiffness, no hauteur. The waiters, dressed in black, moved with quiet efficiency, offering suggestions, never prescriptions. One of them noticed Alex’s fascination with the dessert trolley and promised he could choose anything he liked later.

He did. A dark chocolate tart, its surface as smooth as obsidian, paired with a scoop of vanilla ice cream flecked with real bean. My father took coffee; I lingered with a tea that smelt faintly of orchids. There was something soothing in the stillness of that moment, as if we were all instinctively aware of its finiteness.

As we left, stepping back into the fluorescence and noise of the mall, I recall feeling that we had experienced something that would remain with us—untouched by time, unchanged by repetition. It was not merely a dinner, but a gentle reminder that even in the most polished corners of the world, humility can be served on a silver plate.

And always, the bread. That bread.

It was, and perhaps still is, the finest I have ever tasted.

Looking back now, I realise that what made that afternoon endure was not only the craft of Robuchon or the flawless food, but the stillness it gave us. In a life often hurried and crowded with noise, that quiet harmony between us—father, sons, brothers—was rare. We were not marvelling at opulence, but simply grateful for a moment that asked nothing more of us than to be present. I often think of that day, not because of the accolades or acclaim, but because it felt, in its own way, timeless.

We returned many times in the years that followed—almost every visit to Hong Kong included at least one meal there, sometimes two. And each visit brought with it the same quiet ritual: the bread, the calm, the slow unfolding of time.

The last time I dined there was in 2018. I remember it clearly, not because it stood apart, but because it did not. It carried the same grace, the same quiet dignity. At the time, I didn’t think of it as a final visit—perhaps it isn’t. But for now, it remains the most recent chapter of a tradition quietly paused—and I still miss it.

When I think of Robuchon, I do not think of extravagance or spectacle. I think of my father’s careful nod as he tasted the lamb. I think of Alex’s quiet delight as he chose his dessert. I think of the stillness we shared. And yes, I think of the bread—always, the bread.

It has become a piece of memory, gently sealed by time. Not gone, but held.

The Witch Hunt still continues, initiated by god himself. Those who have stolen the Book of God will be executed. Once the White Witch has nothing left, the frozen village will be saved. Oh how the poor, inferior villagers, don't realize the gift god has waiting for them.

The end of the White Witch only serves as the beginning.