Dear Valerie,
I moved into my apartment for sophomore year a week ago. Me and mom went grocery shopping a few days before and I convinced her to buy me a double bottle of white moscato. I opened it up on the first night; I couldn’t be alone with my thoughts. Of course, this didn’t go well, I texted him. When I didn’t get the reply I wanted, I blocked him in a drunken rage. I have a feeling this is really the end of it. My pride won’t let me take this one back.
So it’s been a week. My roommates Jen and Becca moved in a couple of days after me. It’s been okay with the two of them. They’ve known each other since high school, so I was worried that I would be left out.
So far, me and Jen are still just as close as we were freshman year. On the second night, we drank a case of beer and caught up about the past summer, including my breakup. We talked about the coming year and it got me somewhat excited about the single life.
I hadn’t met Becca before she moved in, so I thought it might be awkward. She seems sweet, but she doesn’t seem like the going-out type. That’s totally fine, just an observation. She didn’t drink with us that night, and I don’t think she does very often. I just hope she doesn’t judge me and Jen for it, because I’m drinking to cope.
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Dear Valerie,
It’s been a month since my last update. I’m not sure whose life I’m living but it doesn’t seem like mine. I went to a couple of frat parties with Lauren. I miss living with her. Last year we would stay up half the night watching movies together. I guess the transition is better for my sleep schedule. The parties were fun, but I didn’t know how to socialize so I just stuck with Lauren and her friends.
Anyways, what prompted me to write was reaching out to Danny. I know, I said I couldn’t, but I also couldn’t leave things how I left them. I asked him if he wanted to meet up and discuss things and he agreed.
I’ve been thinking about what I’ll say. I want to apologize, but I want the same from him. We both made mistakes. I remember a month before we broke up, he tried to end things with me and I lost it. I broke down screaming and crying, begging him not to do it until he finally listened. Maybe that’s the reason he did it over a fucking text.
I won’t lie, I’m beginning to see that we were both crazy. He was controlling and belittling, and I was dramatic and explosive. We were both jealous of anything the other did and it was the definition of a toxic relationship.
I gave him everything I had, codependency was always a struggle for me. I placed every bit of my identity and self-worth onto Danny. No one should have to deal with that. My mood was determined by the way he saw and spoke to me. The slightest thing that he wasn’t even aware of, such as his tone of voice, could send me spiraling.
I have many regrets, but forcing him to deal with my mental health might be the biggest. I piled all of my unresolved trauma and depression struggles onto his back without a second thought.
When I met Danny at fifteen, I had just left an abusive relationship with Evan, who was four years older than me. Evan was the reason I lost my virginity at fourteen, and the reason I was in therapy.
Of course, I can’t blame everything on Evan. I have been dealing with mental health struggles since seventh grade when I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety.
Trauma or mental health, Danny wasn’t equipped to handle either. He came from a very sheltered family in which I would have been labeled “weak.” I can’t blame him, we were and still are so young. Speaking of Danny, it’s almost time for me to go meet with him, so I have to go get ready. I’ll update you after our chat.
Love,
Valerie
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