I've met this boy on 7th grade named Jake. Not only was he ugly, tall as a tree and with pimples all over his face, but he was annoying as well. I still remember the time we met, It was lunch break and I was sitting at an empty desk with a book in my hands. He took the seat beside me and begun the questionnaire.
"What's your name?"
"...Alice."
"What you reading?"
"1984." I slid away from him, but that only made him lean closer. "I'm sorry but... Who are you?"
"Jake, at your pleasure." He extended his hand for a shake, and reluctantly I shook. "Sounds fancy."
"Not really, it's about this oppressive society that..."
"Me and my friends are sitting in a desk over there. Would you like to join?"
"I'm fine, thanks."
"Suit yourself."
And then the little weasel left. I didn't realized at the time, but he only showed interest in me because of my body. Things were.... happening to me, like they happen with every girl, and men were noticing it. It was absolutely disgusting. Entering a bus was torture, I felt the male gaze upon me, checking me, probing me. Once I turned twelve my breasts started to grow larger with every passing month and with it so did the attention that men gave it to me. Sometimes, in the middle of the street, a random guy would make a comment about my physique, and everytime they did that it made me want to puke. I eventually got used to it, but back then I thought I was a freak, a weird monster with a huge chest and thin waist. I wasted too much time of my youth standing in front of a mirror, wishing that something, anything, be different. Maybe being born ugly, or a man, or not born at all. I thought sexuality was a disease on humanity, and that I had a curse cast upon me. Only afterwards I realized how lucky I was. I used to be beautiful, before... you know. And that's and advantage that not many have. Still, even today I kinda resent puberty.
School was troublesome. The noise in the classroom, the stupidity that kids screamed to each other, it was like torture. Every afternoon by the end of the school period I had a headache. It got to a point that I would steal Miss Lincoln's aspirin and take it with me. The people around me, teachers, students, they were blurs, far away sillouettes that meant nothing to me. It was like I was in one radio wave and them in another, close to each other but never synched. As you could imagine, I didn't had any friends back then.
The closest to a friend that I had was Jake. He would find every opportunity to interrupt my reading and ask me about something meaningless. He was... persistent. He was like a puppy, no matter how many times you kicked away it always came back. Truth to be told, I kinda liked it, it was nice to have social interaction with someone, even if that someone was annoying as he was. Actually, one time he actually asked me if I bleed too much during my period. Can you believe that? Thinking back on it it's kinda of funny, a sort of punchline to the joke that is my life.
It went like this for a couple months, and more than a few times I wondered if I could take it, if the next day I would be able to get up and go to school. Sometimes I wasn't. I begun skipping class. If you do it rarely enough, the school won't bother to call your parents, they just assume you're sick or something. So every now and then on my way to school, instead of taking right I took a left, and went roaming around my beautiful little town. I would go people-watch. There's something peaceful about watching people from afar, ironically it makes them more human. Seeing someone frown because they lost their bus, or smile in response to a compliment given by a person from the opposite sex, it makes you realize that they are living beings, with fears and desires instead of just moving dolls. If you can forgive my dramatic comment, if I didn't saw that on people back then I probably would've given up. Maybe not killed myself, but... given up.344Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJoV0ernRpC
It's was in one of my walks that I discovered something extraordinary. A park. Yeah, with beautiful flowers blooming around your feet, and birds chirping above your head, it was a tiny piece of paradise on earth. Before I knew, I begun spending most of my time in there, sitting beneath the shadow of a tree with a book on hand. There was this flower, a flower that I've never seen anywhere else, that was purple and tiny. Fragile too, a slightly rough touch could make its petals fall. It was amazing. Looking at it, feeling its scent, it was... incredible. There are times, not many but sometimes, that I dream of it. Some things just stick to ya, I guess.
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