"Confidence is key" I've been told my whole life.
But what if you don't have the key? What if you didn't know the key even existed because you were so used to opening the door? Maybe there was no key to begin with.
My whole life has felt this way. Unknown and confusing. Questionable and one big mystery, and yet, its entirely ordinary.
What most people don't seem to understand is that your life is yours. It may look different on the outside to others, but feel like a different universe in your head.
My life is perfect in the aspect that I have a loving and supportive family with a good wage and good jobs, friends I've found along the way that are always there for me, but ME? I hate ME. Me is boring, useless. I'm there for people to ignore, only needed when the drama happens.
This sounds completely irrelevant to the story and very confusing, but it shows the way I think and how I may seem like a waste of a story, but even the useless people to the plot of one big story get their very own story that goes hand-in-hand with the greater story.
Everybody has a story, no matter the person and no matter the plot. The one thing we can call our own. The days we live our life as we grow to tell the tale.
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Confidence was partial in my life. I've rarely had the confidence to do anything. When I do try, I get embarrassed and quit. And I try again, and I quit again. It's like a tattoo ingrained in my head that tells me to be a certain way. I can't remove a tattoo. It's under my skin always, even when I try to cover it up.
And despite these facts, my brain is stuck on theater. Theater, theater, theater. Something you need TONS of confidence for. You need to be able to sing, dance, act, and just be able to have all the attention on you. My heart always tells me I can do it, but my brain is telling me to quit like I've done countless times before.
On the other hand, my best friend, Margaret, was born for theater and attention. She's beautiful. She's perfect. You can tell distinctly from her name. It's long and gorgeous and radiates with confidence.
My name, plain, basic, Anie. Who would've thought I would even be near someone who does theater? Let alone want to be a part of it with that name. I would imagine a girl with my name living a boring, predictable life, probably having some boring common job that half of the human population has. Probably a pretty, but basic pretty, woman that everyone ignores (dang, maybe my name does fit-).
Margaret always tells me to "look on the bright side" everytime I get caught up on how boring my life is, but she lives on the "bright side", she couldn't possibly even imagine what it would be like to be self-conscious and boring. She's too perfect, and as much as I love her, I wish I could be her. But someone like me, freckled and short, homely and skinny, with a pale complexion that doesn't quite match my dirty blonde hair, could never be like Margaret in any aspect.
My bright green eyes don't help much either. They're the cherry on top of my crime-scene-of-a-body. And perfect perfect Margaret is the complete opposite of me. Pale with a gorgeous tan undertone, gentle, dark blue eyes that show you the deep and mysterious ocean itself, dark luscious hair with the perfect amount of curl, the perfect curve of the torso and hips any heavy girl would dream of, tall and skinny, with confident dimples that possess her cheeks with her bliss. She is quite literally any teenage girl's dream figure.
Do I even deserve her? She's just so perf- "Anie." -ect that I would kill for her loo- "ANIE!"
My eyes fluttered open slowly, the light blinding me with every blink. Was I asleep this whole time?
"Anie. You have to stop falling asleep in English, your grade is already bad enough." Margaret whispered (but it sounded like yelling to me, with my ears finally picking up my surroundings).
"How long was I out...?"
"About 20 minutes, which isn't too bad, but you're missing the whole lesson!"
"Ugh...Can't you just tell me the details later...?" I mumbled, maybe a bit too quietly, starting to close my eyes again.
"HEY. Stay awa-"
"Anie. Would you like to share your answer to my question?" The teacher nagged suddenly.
"WHAT?" I said groaning and stretching. I couldn't quite tell my tone, because my ears were giving out again, but with Margaret's wince, I could tell I shouted very loudly.
The whole class was bursting out in soft giggles and loud outbursts, which finally put me on my feet. I froze, rushing to hide my face which now flushed red.
"Class, class, settle down, please...Anie. I've had enough of you sleeping in my class. Come up here and swap places with Jason, I'm keeping a close eye on you now. If you ever close one eye for more than three seconds in my class anymore, you're off to the principals office. End of discussion. " She declared.
I did not fight, this was already embarrassing enough, I did not want to throw a fuss on top of it.
I looked around for a split second, and then looked back down at my feet. I had realized that I was sitting next to Margaret still, and as much as I wanted to sit next to Margaret and throw a temper-tantrum to the teacher about this new seat arrangement, I was NOT going to mouth a single word. Margaret gave me a look that reminded me of a sad puppy dog begging for their owner to stay home and not leave them at work, but it was a tiny bit sarcastic, as if she was trying to say, "You deserved this you idiot."
I brushed my legs out from under my desk that was way to big for me, slowly got up, stuck my eyes to the floor as I rose, grabbed my bag and papers, and walked off to my new desk at the very front of the room. Jason, the nerd, eyed me with an antagonizing stare that looked like he wanted to beat my ass up as I passed him. Not like he could, because he was the type of guy that you could poke and he would run out the school, screaming like a little girl.
I had gotten to my new seat, and ducked my head low, trying not to look into the teacher's eyes, which were much closer now. I looked down again for a moment, going through my day in my head and realized that I had theater later today, I was so looking forwa-
"Great. Now, eyes on the board, stay on task, and DON'T fall asleep again. You hear me?" The teacher snapped.
"Oh, uhm...Yeah, got it..." I said softly.
Great, this was a PERFECT start to my day.
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