Tainted Thoughts89Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡoiqwGjnnKr
When did I become ever so cold ?
I sit here, staring out the window, lost in my thoughts, my mind drifting to what seems to me like things I can’t even put into words..
I wonder how it would feel to have a shoulder to cry on, that wouldn't judge on the pettiest and smallest of things. Arms filled with sauna's warm embrace, that would simply hold me tight—arms that wouldn't need any excuses to offer a solemn embrace.
I wonder what it would feel like to be held by someone who truly cares—someone who would never need any excuses to be there for me 24/7. I already know that that's impossible since each and every individual has their own life to think of, according to what other people say anyway…
I wonder if I will ever be able to let down my guard and open myself up to someone else. I wonder if I will ever find someone who loves me for who I am, flaws and all. My very own person to call my own. Someone who can be there for me when I need them, through the good times and the bad.
Of course, at two points in my life, (those two) people did offer to be my back and call. We were like pb and j. It's funny how people thought we were in a romantic relationship because we would be seen everywhere together, both day and night, but it wasn't that at all...
We simply enjoyed each other's company, enough that it was quite mind-boggling to everyone that all we ever did was hang out. But it all tragically ended due to the whole long-distance shebang thing and what have you.
I wonder how it would feel like to have someone who truly understands me. Someone who knows my deepest fears, insecurities, and hopes and loves me just the same. I wonder how it would feel to have someone who can listen to my every word, no matter how insignificant or trivial it may seem, and cherish my every thought, dream, or ideal.
I wonder how it would feel like to have a shoulder to cry on when life gets too overwhelming, or how it would feel to have forever stretched out hands ready to catch me before I fall, to have someone who can see me for who I am, scars and all, and love me all the same.
I wonder how it would feel to have someone who can make me laugh when I feel like crying and hold me tight when I feel like letting go.
It's not that I don't have people in my life who care about me, but sometimes I feel like I'm carrying the weight of the world on my shoulders all by my lonesome. I long for someone who can share that weight with me or even take some of it off my shoulders.
But, as I sit here wondering about what it would be like to have such a person in my life, I also realise that there are already people like that in this world. People who are kind, compassionate, and understanding. People who will be there for you through thick and thin, no matter what.
And yet, I find myself hesitant to reach out. I worry that I will burden them with my insignificant problems. It's not like they can even compare. My problems cannot even cover the tip of a needle. And while others have their own problems enough to fit the ocean blue, or even beyond.
It's a vicious cycle,.. I want someone to rely on, but I just don't feel like I'm worthy at all to even be considered as a criterion for such an honorific regard. I'm now just realising that even a human's shadow would suffice at this point.
If only my good dreams could sweep me off my feet, and take me somewhere faraway, and never let me go.
I wish that it was easy to connect with people and build relationships based on agape love. I wish that I didn't have to worry about having to compete for attention, not that I would even try competing with people or things chosen over me. I suppose for me, it is as simple as that.. either you're there or you are not there. You don't have to say anything. I just know.
I suppose I would describe it as, for instance, we are walking together. Of course, maybe we were walking hand in hand. And the person being walked with remembers a message that needs to be sent on their gadget. Of course, their hands would end up holding their phone as they texted.
And after the text, there might be a phone call. After the phone call, it might even pop up a notification that needs replying. And the person would be so stuck in a cycle of preoccupation that they might end up forgetting that we started walking hand in hand.
Remember, as it started as a text message, I was there up to the point of all the so many other things that might have grabbed the person's attention. I tried to keep up with their pace, but then they were walking so fast that I couldn't keep up. I might even try to call out that, please don't forget about me too..
..but that is what I was trying to say.. I used to call out, but to no avail—enough so much so that it ended up being embedded in me to actually know if I'd simply been forgotten or not. I'm that forgettable, I suppose. It's no one's fault, really.. It's all my fault.. I suppose that is what I get for being forgetful myself..
So, after a few too many times it happened, I then realised that maybe I should stop bothering anyone by calling out because it seemed to annoy people whenever I did that. I would end up being beaten up to a pulp with what seemed like simple words (insults), because they would cut right through me.
I guess constantly getting hurt with seemingly simple words and antipathy just wore me out, I suppose.. Maybe that's why saying something or anything just ended up not being an option for me. I just had to let go of all those notions of ever thinking I could be heard, even if I tried to have a go at it.
The issue isn't that I can't defend my own standing or can't stand up for myself or say not okay things just because (because of all the things I don't ever say, that may kind of end up coming out at the most inappropriate time are out of this world) or anything, but the point is, why stick around where you are not needed or wanted, where your voice or presence makes them coil ?
Why bother anyone's state of mind ? I mean, seriously ? (I used to be ignorant of how I'd be treated in that regard.. I turned so numb that, you'd hear me loud and clear..., but then, I suppose, I might have grown far too tired to even try ever so hard.. It was like.., Why even try anymore ?)
Some people are usually like, Dude, why do you always sound like you have already given up without even trying ? With.. Without ? Without even what ? Trying ? Ha ha, funny.. You have no idea. I would explain why it seems that way, but then I'm afraid I'll just be speaking gibberish.
I wonder too how it would feel to have someone who can always be there for me, no matter what. Someone I can call in the middle of the night, and they would answer without hesitation. Someone who can listen to me rant and rave pointlessly.
I wonder how it would feel like to have someone who could guide me through life's ups and downs. Someone who could offer me advice and support without ever trying to control me or make decisions for me. A guiding and helping hand through thick and thin.
But of course, things I'm wondering about already exist in this world. The only issue is that the warmth I long for is an illusion, as distant as the stars that speckle in the night sky.
I wonder how it would feel to bare my soul to another, to strip away the facade I cling to and show the ragged edges underneath. The fears, the flaws, the broken parts, and the imperfections—could another accept me as I am ?
Or would I be met with averted eyes and a hesitant retreat, my deepest vulnerabilities too much to be borne ? It is safer to remain hidden, cloaked in this pretence, and playing the roles that are expected of me.
I wonder what might happen if I let down my guard for just a moment and allowed anyone into my innermost being. Now, thinking about it, I'm just realising that I'll be simply digging myself an early grave, because if the ever-lucky soul were to hurt me well.. it would end up being, Hello world.. goodbye world. Cause ? Unknown.
I wonder how it would feel if I spoke most of the words, I usually leave unspoken instead of parroting the lines I know by heart, traces of someone else's script. If for once I showed the real person cowering beneath the costumes and scripts, unsure and frightened and so terribly alone.
I know these wonders are in vain. The risks are far too great, and the rewards are ever-so-ephemeral. It is safer to maintain the barriers and keep my broken pieces out of sight. No shoulder will be offered, no unconditional embrace.
I do not live in a world where such things exist without strings attached. I also know that the world is ready to take a stand and say otherwise.
My tears are my own, to be shed in my heart where no one can ask why. The warmth I crave is mere fantasy and thus can only be found in a world of kittens and rainbows, as unattainable as catching stardust in my hands.
And so, I wonder and end up seeing my thoughts chasing an end they cannot reach. I wonder how it would feel, though I will never know. Things like shoulders to cry on and arms that hold, and hands that catch, belong in storybooks, not in the life of someone like me.
I craft pretty tales to lose myself in, weaving dreams from threads of impossibility. In the sanctuary of my imagination, I can pretend otherwise, but reality ever so awaits to shatter my foolish reveries. No surprise there.
So, I remain behind my walls, peering out through the cracks and crevices but never emerging. I maintain the disguise and play my part, craving something I cannot have while fearing what might happen if I let myself feel something—anything.
There is safety in isolation, I keep telling myself that. But in the depths of the night, I still wonder.
Right... So, what am I saying ?
I guess all I'm saying is, I'll just have to leave everything to my wild wild west imaginations, never to be seen or heard...89Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2TZVOohN6U
