Far Away
Grace
January 21, 2020
The world swam before my watery eyes, blurred by the wetness I was struggling to hide. I blinked hard, fighting the tears that I knew were coming.
It didn’t work.
A single tear dripped from my cheek, and my brother wrapped me in a hug. I pulled him close, squeezing him tight, and somehow he squeezed me back even tighter. He ruffled my hair, pressing my head further into his chest. I closed my eyes, wishing he could stay even though I knew that he wouldn’t.
Into his chest I whispered softly;
“I don’t want you to go.” He rubbed my back slowly.
“I don’t want to go either,” He admitted, slowly letting go and crouching down to my height. He held my shoulders, not letting me turn away or wipe my tears.
“Look at me, Gracie.” He repeated the command three times before I finally did. “Don’t let this change anything. Keep fighting. Keep trying. I’ll be home soon,” he promised and he released my shoulders. He turned to leave, but I wasn’t just gonna let him walk away. I clung to his hand, tears leaking down my cheeks.
“Don’t go, Kelly. Please,” I pleaded. “Don’t go.” He pulled me into one last hug, holding me tight. Somehow tighter than the last, it seemed. He trembled and seemed scared as he held me close.
“I’ll miss you,” he whispered softly. “More than you know.” I cried into his shoulder as he continued. “I love you, okay? Don’t stop fighting.” He sighed and pulled himself up. He saluted my mother with a sad smile. Her laugh was half-hearted at best. A tear fell down my cheek, matching the ones on hers.
“Promise me you’ll come home safe,” she begged. He smiled sadly and left, mouthing me a quick goodbye and another ‘I love you’. I didn’t realize until after he was gone that he never made that promise.
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January 24, 2020
It had been three days. Fourthousand three hundred and twenty minutes. That meant two hundred fifty nine thousand, two hundred seconds.
I felt as though I’d counted half of them. Maybe I had; I’d spent every waking moment waiting for Kelly’s homecoming. But of course he wouldn’t be coming home within the four thousand minutes he’d been gone. I sighed and picked again at my food, which was soggy and wet and honestly kinda gross. Two hours of staring thoughtlessly at it did that, I guess. I hesitantly placed a forkful of my food in my mouth.
Oooh, cold ramen; yum.
I noticed my mom staring at me. She’d been doing that a lot recently. Most of the time I’d spent wishing for Kelly she’d spent worrying about me. And him, I suppose. She was probably just as worried as I am. She put down her fork with a clatter and a sigh.
“Grace,” she began, watching me intently. I stiffened. She only called me Grace when she was mad. “Are you alright? You’ve been… different… since your brother left. “ I didn’t answer, still messing with my food.
“Grace?” She sighed. I pushed back in my chair and swiftly left the room, leaving my Mom and my cold ramen alone at the table. I lay in my bed, facing the sky with my eyes closed. There was a knock at the door. I groaned and rolled onto my stomach, screaming loudly into my pillow.
“Gracie,” she pleaded through the door. “Let me in.” I buried myself farther into the blankets, silently pleading for her to leave. Instead, the door slowly creaked open.
“Mom, please,” I begged, my voice muffled by the pillow.
“Hun.” She pulled back the blankets and looked me in the eye. “I know this is hard–” Harshly, I interrupted.
“Of course this is hard!” I screamed angrily, flinging the pillow across the room. “Do you have any idea how… how–” my voice trailed into sobs.
“Oh, honey.” My mom rubbed my back and wiped a tear from my cheek. “Hun-Bun, I know.” She sighed. “I really do.”
There was a moment of silence.
“Do you?” I finally asked, my voice sharper than I had meant it to be.
All rough edges.
“Yes, baby, I do.”
But she didn’t.
Her eyes were sad but not teary.
The bags were there, but not big enough.
Her laugh was gone yet her smile…
There was no way she understood; no way.
She rose with a sigh. She blew me a kiss, hoping I would catch it. Instead I left it hanging in the air between us. She smiled sadly.
“Good night, Baby,” she said and left.
Then I was immediately swallowed by sleep.
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January 30, 2020
My handwriting was sloppy and rushed. I honestly wasn’t sure if Kelly would be able to read it. The tears that soaked the page didn’t make it any easier to make out. I swiped at my eyes, which were wet with fresh tears; as if I hadn’t cried enough lately. I scribbled countless letters onto the page, filling the letter with as much as I could.
I wrote down every detail; every word. Every tear and every fight. Everything. I hoped that, just maybe, the letter would convince him to come home. I read through the letter again, struggling to read through the wet splotches dotting the page.
Kelly,
I miss you so, so much. You can’t even imagine. Every day is an eternity; I swear. I’ve tried hard to keep busy. –A lie.- Yet nothing can pull my thoughts away from you. I wish you would come home. Having you here and safe is all that I need. Mother is in hysterics. She misses you so, and hopes for your return. –I knew here who I was describing, and it sure wasn’t my mother.- However, no one could love you as much as I do, Kelly. So while mother misses you and hopes for your homecoming, I sit and pray for your safety and care. Nothing else much to do these days, honestly. And nothing matters to me more than you; I hope you know this.
I’ve got to go–mothers calling for me. Dinner time; spaghetti and meatballs, you’re favorite. Please write soon. I love you. I miss you.
–Gracie
I dropped into my seat with a thud.
“Did you write to your brother?” Mom asked. I nodded. “We can drop it off in the morning,” she offered. I shook my head, wishing we could do it sooner while also fully aware of her reply.
“Thank you.” My voice was flat and emotionless. She shook her head.
“Gracie-Pacey, I–” I interrupted.
“Don’t call me that.” My eyes were wet and wide as I bolted from the room.
“Grace!” She called after me. “Grace!” I ignored her, locking the door behind me and jumping onto my bed. I sobbed into my pillow, crying uncontrollably until I was out of tears.
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February 17, 2020
Kelly;
I haven’t written in a while. Long story short, I miss you. I miss dad. I miss our old life. Do you? I wish you were here; everything feels so much easier when we are together. Together we are literally unstoppable. Alone I feel I’m easily beaten. I would feel so much stronger with you by my side. Will you come home soon? Love you,
Grace.
My hands trembled from a sleepless night. I sighed and pulled open the curtains, blinded by the brightness of the early morning sun. Little droplets of water made their way down the window, matching the tears falling from my eyes.
“Grace?” Mom asked through the door. “Are you up yet?” The door opened slightly and my mom’s face appeared in the doorway.
“Been up all night,” I informed her without turning from the window. She rested a hand on my shoulder.
“I’m sorry about last night,” She apologized. I nodded.
“Me, too.” She squeezed my shoulder once and left. I hadn’t been lying when I said I was sorry. Yet I sure wasn’t sorry for storming away; I was sorry she said that in the first place. Her fault, not mine. I wiped a tear from my cheek and followed her out. She was waiting for me at the dinner table.
“Hungry?” She asked, offering me some bacon. I grabbed some toast and slid an egg onto my plate. Mom filled me up a glass of orange juice, and I finished my food quickly. I hadn’t eaten in what felt like forever; I’d been too busy missing Kelly and hating Mom.
“You ate fast,” she pointed out as I carried my plate to the sink. I nodded curtly and moved to leave. She stopped me. “Gracie, I think we need to talk about last night,” she said.
“No,” I answered. “We don’t.”
“Well, you’re obviously upset,” she pointed out.
“Obviously,” I scoffed. She smiled tightly.
“Yes. I’m sorry, Grace. I genuinely didn’t think you would take it that way,” she promised.
“No one calls me Gracie-Pacey,” I told her harshly. “That was… That was…”
“Thomas’ thing,” she finished for me. I nodded and wiped a tear from my eye.
“Daddy’s thing,” I agreed. She nodded.
“I’m sorry,” she repeated.
And this time, I actually believed her.
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February 21, 2020
I cried into my pillow, soaking it with snot and tears. I’d written to Kelly twice in the month he’d been gone.
And he’d finally replied. I read his note again, soaking in his words.
Gracie;
I miss you more than you can even think possible. Mom as well. I have one friend only but for me that is enough. I wish I were home with your smile and laugh. I appreciate your last letter. I am grateful for your missing me but I wish you would stop worrying. After dad, I’m sure you are nervous. So am I. But it’s not too bad right now. I promise, I’m okay. I miss you every day. With love,
Kelly
I folded the letter neatly and tucked it under my pillow. I examined the picture he had sent with it–him and another in matching uniform.
Kelly was laughing, his eyes bright. He had his arm around the other guy, who I assumed was the friend he had mentioned in the note. He had a small and stubbly beard that was similar to the one daddy had had when he was still with us. I used to love running my fingers through that and feeling the scratch of his hair before he shaved. His lips were stretched in a smile and his eyes were wide with laughter. He looked tired but happy. His fist was balled and he was playfully rubbing it through Kelly’s hair. The two wore identical clothes; a white shirt and camouflage pants. I assumed this was their training outfit. I wondered how Kelly had taken this picture but tucked away the thought.
I was just happy he’d sent it. I tucked it beneath my pillow along with the note, keeping it safe. Not only was it a photo nor a memory, it was a hope. A wish.
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February 26, 2020
I smiled as Mom walked into the room, holding a letter.
“Another one?” I gasped, reaching for it. I tore it open eagerly and smiled at my brother’s familiar handwriting.
“Would you read it out loud?” She requested. I nodded and began.
Gracie,
Thank you for your last letter. I miss you and mom so much. I wish I could be there with you, but meanwhile I am too far away. Jayson keeps me company, but it’s not the same as being with you. I’ve got to get back to training; I’ll write to you as soon as I can. Tell mom I love her and that I’ll write to her soon. Love you. Miss you.
-Kelly
It wasn’t nearly as much as I’d been hoping for, but it was something.
“Jayson?” Mom asked, reminding me she was listening. “Who’s that?”96Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuZQEjsrDsu
“Kelly’s friend,” I informed her. “Didn’t he tell you about him?” She shook her head and turned away, blinking back tears I think.
“Kelly hasn’t written to me,” she admitted. “Not once.”
“Oh.” I was shocked. “Well… Have you written to him?” She nodded, her back still to me.
“Four times,” she said and swiped at a tear. I didn’t know that. I’d figured that Kelly had written to her the same way he’d written to me. I guess he hadn’t. I blinked twice and pulled the photo out from under my pillow, handing it to her.
“This is the picture Kelly sent me with his last letter. His first letter, too, by the way.” She looked at the picture tearfully. I stood and wiped a tear from her cheek and she sniffed.
“Keep it,” I offered. She shook her head no.
“I couldn’t.” And when she left moments later, it was with the photo and a smile.
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