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Jake Vetterhauszen was in a strange place. No matter where he went, no matter who he tried to talk to, no matter how many people were in the conversation, the result was ALWAYSALOUDCACOPHONYOFMIXEDUPVOICESALLCOMINGINATONCEANDALLTALKINGTOOFASTANDTOOLOUDTOCOMPREHEND.
He knew the language once upon a time, but now, in frustration, didn’t. Listening seemed nothing like Jake remembered, anyway: rather like Barney on helium reading aloud a story composed from a mouthful of alphabet cereal that the annoying purple dinosaur chewed up and spit back out. Jake tried mightily to listen, and make out a familiar word every now and then, but without the context of the rest of the sentence, the familiar word became like a sandbar, stuck alone in a river of them, and irrelevant. Like himself.
He strained to hear, even implored the speakers to speak slowly, softly, and directly, please.
WELLTHATREQUESTWOULDLASTALUNGFULOFPHOENICSORTWOUNTILTHEYWOUNDTHEMSELVESUPAGAINANDMACHINEGUNNEDTHEMBACKOUTTHENITSALWAYSBACKTOTHESAMESPEEDASBEFOREWITHTHEVOUMNPEGGEDATELEVEN.
Now the meltdown came quickly, like a candle in August. Jake’s brain was a sponge of confusion that needed to be wrung because the confusion was seeping down into his central nervous system and waterlogging his emotions–he felt sad because of the language barrier, mad because he was now being mostly ignored–a lump, and upset because he missed talking as fast and as loud as they were going. His brain hurt–scrambled like an egg–no!–you’d have to shake the whole damn chicken coop to get the comparison; his over-amped circuit board of synapses and neurons blowing fuses.
ANDYETEVERYBODYAROUNDHIMCONTINUEDCHATTERINGLOUDANDFASTANDHAVINGAFUNTIME, it seemed to him, the computer inside his skull now trying to adjust to–make sense of–the blaring cacophony.
ATLEASTICANREADTHElRBODYLANGUAGEACONSOLATIONPRIZEIGUESSWHICHTHANKFULLYISUNIVERSALBUTTHEMORETHEYCHITTERANDVOICELOUDLYWHATEVERTHERHELLTHEYARETALKINGABOUTINTHEFIRSTPLACETHEMOREITRYTOTUNETHEMOUTASIHAVETOTRYTOREBOOTMYBRAINSOILLTUNEDOUTASTHEYRATTLEONLIKETHEYAREORATINGFROMAMUTILATEDDICTIONARY.
Oh, man! This sucks every time! He felt as vaporous as his thoughts.
JAKESEEMEDCOMPLETELYOUTOFTHEPICTURENOWASHEFADEDINTOTHEWOODWORKENTIRELYIGNOREDEVENWHILEFACETOFACEHEREALLYREAALYWISHEDHECOULDRETURNTOTHEPLACEHECAMEFROMBUTWITHOUTAMIRACLETHATWOULDNEVERHAPPENHESUREWISHEDOTHERSCOULDWALKINHISCROCSFORJUSTTENMINUTESANDGETAFEELOFHEARINGANDFEELWHATITSLIKETOSLOWLYGOMADWILLTHEYEVERLEAVEDOTHEYTHINKIMSTUCKUPORRUDEJUSTBECAUSEIAMBLOWINGTHEMOFFASHEWASBEINGBLOWNOFFITWASNOTHINGOFTHESORTHEJUSTNEEDEDTODECOMPRESSASHECALLEDITGETAWAYFROMITALLUNTILTHECONVERSATIONISTSLEFTANDTHENITWOULDSTILLTAKEACOUPLEHOURSFORTHESCRAMBLEDINHISHEADTORETURNTOPOACHEDJAKELOVEDTHECOMPANYHISWIFESAIDHEWASBECOMINGAHERMITFORGOODREASONBUTHEKNEWWHYHEBECAMEAHERMITBECAUSENOBODYELSEMASKESANYDAMNSENSETOHIMANDALWYSMIGRATETOTHEROOMWITHTHEMOSTECHOINITWHICHREALLYAGGREAVATESTHEMELONEVENMOREITTRULYSUCKSBEINGALONEBUTITALSOTRULYSUCKSHAVINGCOMPANYSOEITHERWAYJAKEWASOCIALLYSCREWEDBUTHEKEPTONTRYINGABUTALWAYSWITHTHWESAMECANDLELITPROCESSIONALPUDDLEOFWAXBRUSHEDOFFGIVENTHEBOOTTHEBUMSRUSHOFFANUNITENTIONALFUCKYOUEEVENTHOUGHTHEWASWITHINEARSHOTOFTHECONVOASAGHOSTMIGHTBEITWOULDBECOOLIFEVERYONECOULDLEARNMYLANGUAGEHETHOUGHBUTKNEWTHATWOULDNEVERHAPPENHELLMOSTPEOPLECANTSPEAKTHEIROWNPROPERLYANDWOULDNEVERTAKETHETIMEATOBAECOMEBILINGUALBIITEVENSOUNDSSUSPICIOUSANDMUCHTOOTHOUGHTPROVOKINGANDTIMECONSUMINGTOEVENTRYTOLEARNHOWTOSPEAKITHETHOUGHTWHILEBEINGTHEFIFTHWALLINTHECAVERNOUSROOMINWHICHTHECONGREATIONOFCHIPMUNKSGATHEREDTOCHITTERLOUDLYANDFASTAGAINSOJAKECOULDGOMADAGAINANDAROUNDANDAROUNDITGOESHISLIMITFORTHISAURALPUNISHMENTISTWOHOURSMADIMUMAFTERTHATITSNOUSEANYMOREANDBECSAMEINSUFFERABLEANDPAINFULANDSADANDMADANDLEFTOUTANDIGNOREDANDDEPRESSEDANDPISSEDANDJUSTHOPINGANDPRAYINGFORTHETHUNDERSTORMTOENDANDWHENTHEYDIDFINALLYLEAVEJAKEALWAYSFELTBADFORMAYBEIGNORINGTHEMTOWARDSTHWSENDASTHEYHADIGNOREDHIMTHEENTIRETHEYWERETHEREGOODBYETHATFUSFUNFORTHEFIRSTFIVEMINUTESHEWASSORRYBUTNOTREALLYIFTHEYLEFTFEELINGASSLIGHTEDASHEDIDAFTERTHEFIRSTTHREEHUNDEDSECONDSHEFELTRRELIEVEDYETREMORSEFULABOUTTHESITAUATIONBUTDIDNTQUITEKNOWHOWTOTELLTHEMWHATITWASLIKENOTCOMPREHENDINGTHECONVERSATIONBUTNEVERSEEMEDTOGETMUCHOFHISEXPLATIONOUTBEFORESOMEONEWOULDCUTHIMOFFTURNTHIERBACKSAWAYANDKEEPTHEIRTONGUESBUSYBYEBYEITWASGREATTOSEEYOUDESPITEMAKINGOUTAFEWMERESYABELSWHILEYOUWEREHERE.
Jake took off his cochlear implant and detoxed his brain.
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