The evening passed by a whole lot smoother than my day did thankfully. Jamie and I cuddled up on the sofa after our take out and watched TV. For whatever reason, he made no mention of the future plans he had been discussing at lunch. Maybe he realised how freaked out it made and was happy to let it rest. All I know is that I was glad he didn't bring it up, because I was feeling so guilty about the whole Will thing that I might have gave in and agreed to anything he wanted then and there.
I woke up to him kissing my forehead after I'd fallen asleep on him. This is how I love him. Sweet and thoughtful, this is the Jamie that I know and love most of the time.
We drag ourselves off to bed and I wrap myself in his arms until I hear him slip off to sleep. My mind drifts back to Will, forcing me to face the ugly truth of how stupid I was today. I never want Jamie to know just how close I came to messing it all up with a complete stranger. I don't even recognise the person I was. I'd never want to do that to him. Not ever.
"He did it to you though," a little voice in my head whispers, bringing up one of those memories from the locked box I keep.
Yes, Jamie had cheated on me. Once. It was during the first few months of our relationship. But things are entirely different now though. We live together, we share a life, we have some sort of future, a little messy and unknown right now, but a future none the less.
Back then, he said we were still figuring it all out, and that it wasn't a big deal. It felt like a big deal to me, but I wanted him. I loved him.
Jamie never came out himself and admitted his indiscretion to me, he said that he was too ashamed. The girl he had cheated on me with found me on social media and told me everything in a message. She said she hadn’t even known I existed until she saw me in a photo with Jamie.
He begged for forgiveness, said he'd made a stupid mistake at a Christmas party, who hadn't? At least that's what he thought. So I let it go.
He would never do that to me now though, I'm sure of it. And I won't do it to him either. I decide to push the whole thing down, promising myself that I'll never be so reckless again before fitfully drifting off to sleep.
♾️
When I arrived into work this morning, I had only one thing on my agenda. Avoid Will.
The first thing I had to do was accept the delivery of infamous guitar strings. I waited an hour for Carol and Michelle to come in just so I could get Carol to call him instead of me. I had decided to completely separate myself from him going forward.
I then made the strategic choice to spend my day relaying the stock room. I've been meaning to do it anyway, but it's also my best shot at not seeing Will when he gets here. I convince myself that when he's gone, I can put this whole stupid mess behind me.
In one sense it feels like I’m punishing myself. The stockroom here is a disaster, and that’s putting it kindly. We’re often so busy with everything else in the store that we’ve let it become a dumping ground.
Not too long into my self inflicted labour, I'm hauling boxes from one end of the stockroom to the other when I hear my name from out front, and realise that Michelle has been calling me out at the register.
"You okay out here?" I ask, stepping out to check on her.
"I sure am," she says cheerfully, "but you have a visitor."
Her eyes guide me to where Will waits by the speaker cables. I should have known that he’s ask for me. I'm covered in dust head to toe and sweating from lugging things around all morning. But him? Well he is glorious. I'd even go as far as to say that he's made an extra effort for somebody. The smell of his cologne alone is almost enough to make me abandon my plan of ghosting him.
"Hey Will," I say, feeling a slight blush warm my cheeks. He already has the strings in hand, so he doesn't really need to see me at all. Why didn’t I tell Michelle that I wanted to avoid him? I could have made up an excuse, this would all be so much easier if I had.
I step out from behind the register, hoping to walk him towards the door and get this over with. All of Michelles attention is on us, and she has this weird knowing grin plastered on her face. Is she trying to signal me with her eyes or something? What is she doing? I frown at her, forcing her to drop the smile. Maybe I have this telepathy thing down too.
Will has this unbelievably radiant look about him, like he's glowing from the inside out. He seems like a genuinely happy person, while I feel like a dark cloud that's here to paint his day grey.
"Hey, how are you doing?," he asks. "I wanted to check on you after yesterday."
Wonderful. He's stunning and thoughtful, this is going to be like kicking a small animal.
"Thanks," I say, leading us further away from Michelles earshot. "I'm fine now, please don't worry about it. I'm sure it was a once off."
My eyes roam over his fitted white button down. The short sleeves display all
of the artwork on his arms, while the torso of it clings to him like it were made to his exact measurements. He's killing me here.
"Sorry, I'm a bit of a mess," I explain. "I'm doing some work out back."
I try to brush myself down, but I'm not very successful. The dust sticks to my clothes as I blow my hair away my forehead in vain.
"No, you look great don't be silly. Listen, um, have you had lunch yet?"
Oh no, I've got to nip this whole thing in the bud right now.
"No she hasn't!," a stern voice cuts over us. It's Carol. I didn't see her hovering behind me among the empty boxes. "I've told her twice now to go get some," she says as she eyes Will with suspicion. "Izzy who's your friend? Is he going to feed you or am I?"
What timing.
"I'm not hungry," I insist. "Carol, this is Will. Will, Carol." The introduction is short and to the point, but also needless. I try giving Carol a look so she knows not to push it, but her focus stays glued to this new stranger as she stretches her arm out to shake his hand.
"You're not off the hook Izzy," she says, "You're exhausting yourself, go with your friend. Eat or I'll fire you."
Carol is always full of these empty threats, she must say that she'll fire me at least once a week, but I know when to push back and when to do as I'm told, and right now its the latter. I've noticed her watching me these last few days, and I don't want to worry her.
My eyes fall to Will as he gestures to the front door with a self-satisfied look on his face. "Well, it sounds like you're coming with me."
Great. I begrudgingly go and grab my wallet from out back. So much for sticking to the plan.
As we step outside, the hot air hits my face and the sunshine instantly makes me feel happier. There's no windows in the stockroom, so I didn't realise I was missing it.
I feel Will’s attention on me, so I speak up before he has a chance to suggest going to get some food.
"I'm really not all that hungry," I say, "and I've a lot to do back there. I think I might just grab a bottle of water and go back."
He seems unsure of what to do with that, if not a little disappointed.
"Okay, sure, whatever you need." He shrugs and pulls some sunglasses from his pocket, putting them on. Probably best that he hides those emeralds from me.
"There's a bench free over there," he says, gesturing behind me. "Why don't you sit down and I'll run to the kiosk around the corner and grab us some water."
He doesn't seem to sense my need to cut this short, or at least if he does he's ignoring it, because he’s out of sight before I can protest. I go ahead and take a seat.
Pulling my hair back off my face, I tie it into a bun and close my eyes, soaking up all of the sun I can get. I needed out of that little room more than I realised.
As I wait, I find myself wishing that I were anywhere else but here. I start to imagine myself spread out on a towel at the beach, enjoying the heat on my skin when I'm suddenly startled by the feeling of an ice cold block against my cheek. I flinch and open my eyes to see Will smiling down at me as he holds out my water. I grumble out a thank you and move over a bit.
"So I got you something," he says shyly as he sits down beside me and hands me a book.
"Actually I didn't get it for you, it's mine, but I think it's something you could use".
I turn the book over, examining it as I do. It's thin, and the spine has little tiny cracks all over it. I can see that a lot of the pages have been dog eared without even having to open it. The cover has big block white lettering that sits on a purple background. 'The Power Of Four. A self help guide to breathing your way to a calmer world'.
"A self help book?," I ask curiously, holding it up. I always thought these were a bit gimmicky, but I'm not about to be rude about it.
"I know, it's not normally my thing either," Will says, "but it really helped me. Just read it, put it into action when you need and I promise it will help a little".
I can't believe he'd give me this, it's so sweet of him.
"Thank you," I say, a little stunned by his kindness, "but are you sure you don't need it?"
"I've read that thing cover to cover easily eight times, it can't help me any more than it already has. And hey, if I happen to forget something, I can always call you and borrow it right?"
"You could if you had my number," I say thoughtlessly.
"I guess you can give it to me now then."
With that Will pulls his phone from his pocket and unlocks it before handing it over to me. I can’t tell if that was a really smooth move or just opportunistic.
"You're really serious about us being friends aren't you?," I ask.
He looks at me funny. "What do you mean?"
"Well, do you make the effort to be friends with every girl that turns you down romantically?"
Wills mouth drops open, all be it with a bit of a smile.
"Wait," he says, "are you trying to say that you turned me down? You're kidding right?"
"No, I'm just saying, I don't get why you're trying so hard here, you could have picked up your strings and left. I'm sure you're not short of friends Will."
"No, you're right," he says, "I'm not, but I got the feeling that you might be."
Ouch. I mean he’s not wrong, but still.
I do have friends, just not any that I see very often. It's not because I'm a crappy friend or anything. It's just that, I suppose I've settled down now, this happens. You meet someone, see your friends less, talk less, then you eventually lose touch with some of them. That's life.
"I also think you're kind of interesting Isobel," Will continues. "Like a puzzle of some kind."
"Ah, and let me guess," I retort, "you'd like to figure me out?"
"In a manor of speaking."
Staring down at his phone screen, I know I should have a spine here and hand it back without my number. That's what I should do, and then I'd ask him to drop the friendship pursuit too. It's not what I do though. Instead I dial my number in and save it under my name. I figure he'll call or message me at some point and then I'll ignore it and that will be that. No harm done.
I shrug my shoulders, handing his phone back. "There's nothing much to figure out here I'm afraid Will, I'm vanilla, just like you said, plain and simple."
He takes off his sunglasses and watches me as I continue to find traces of dust on my clothing and try to wipe them off.
"I don't think you're vanilla at all," he says, "but that's part of the puzzle I guess."
I know he'd like me to respond to that, but instead I just sit, letting the sun beat down on us both. As we look out onto the street, Will is unable to stand the awkward silence for long.
"So have you thought about coming tonight?," he asks.
No, I haven't thought about it at all, because there's absolutely no way I can go.
"I can't tonight," I tell him, "I forgot I had plans. I'm sorry."
I'd really love to hear him sing, but I know that it's not possible. Even if I wanted to go and did lie to Jamie about how I met Will, it's too late to even suggest an evening out now, and Jamie doesn't like me to go out to places like that alone.
"Don't worry about it," he says flatly.
I sneak a peak up at his face just in time to catch the disappointment. A stab of guilt rips through me, but I know it needs to be like this. He'll thank me for it in the end. I can't imagine he would want Jamie harassing him at a show or something if he found out we had been for coffee yesterday. It's better this way.
Giving up the chase, Will stands, sliding his phone back into his pocket.
"Anyway Isobel, I've clearly caught you at a bad time, and I gotta' run. I need to get some of the set up ready for tonight, I guess I'll talk to you some other time..."
The strain in his voice gives away his desire for me to say something meaningful, but instead, I let him believe that I'm not at all what he might have thought.
"Yeah sure," I say halfheartedly, "and hey, good luck with the show, I hope it goes well."
"Thanks."
Will looks down at the book he gave me only minutes ago before staring back at me again. "Make sure to use that alright?," he says
"I will, thank you so much, really."
He stalls for the tiniest second, and I almost break and ask him to stay. More than anything I'd like for him to come and sit with me and talk for far too long again. Instead, I watch on coldly as he gives me a weak smile before turning away and walking down the street. Now he's nothing more than a memory to me.
I feel like a total bitch as I sit clutching the book. How could I be so cruel so somebody so kind? Opening the cover, I flip through the pages, finding little notes that Will scribbled for himself written all over the margins. My heart sinks when I get to the back cover and I find one that he wrote for me.
Izzy,
I do hope that what happened was a one time thing, and that you'll never need to use this book, but if you ever find yourself in that situation again, make sure you call me. Day or night. Everyone needs a partner when they go though something like this, and now I'm yours.
Will
His phone number is written just under his sign off. He really did have the purest of intensions.
I'm such an asshole. Will was trying to offer me genuine, kindhearted help and friendship and I threw it in his face. Guilty tears creep their way to the corners of my eyes. This whole thing is so unfair. Surely we can just be friends? Can't I simply tell Jamie that's what we are and it be okay?
No, I can't tell him that. Because he won't understand, he'd blow up. Never mind the fact that I've just ruined any chance of a friendship with Will anyway.
It's not happening, I'll just have to accept it.
Trying to forget it all, I wipe at my eyes. This is so embarrassing. I've only known Will two days, he means nothing to me, and thats the way it's going to stay.
♾️
"So who was that?," Michelle asks, wiggling her eyebrows at me the second I arrive back to the store.
"It was just a friend Michelle."
"I've never met a friend of yours before Izzy," she says, grinning like an idiot. "Tell me about him. How's Jamie by the way?" She leans her elbow on the counter and props her chin onto her fist as if she's about to hear a truckload of gossip.
"Subtle Michelle, but I'm still with Jamie, I'd have told you if I wasn't. Will is just a friend, not even a friend, he's a guy that came in here yesterday for strings. He came back today to collect them. Story over."
"Story not over!," she says as she rounds the counter and pokes at my side. "Why did he ask you for lunch if he was just a customer huh? And why did he give you this?," she asks as she grabs the book from my hand before I have the sense to hide it. I reach for it but she gets a good look at it before I snatch it back.
"The Power of Four... four what?" she asks.
"It's nothing, just something we spoke about. He let me borrow it, that's all."
"Okay sure, if you say so, but he's cute!"
"Cute Michelle? Aren't you like, a lesbian?" I can only laugh at her efforts to get more information from me. She always manages to cheer me up, intensional or not.
"Yes, but I still know a handsome man when I see one, and he for sure is one!"
"Okay," I say, "that's great and all but he's just a customer to me, and my boyfriend is still my boyfriend, so I hope that clears up any questions you had."
"Yes m'am!," she says as she salutes me before marching off towards the register. I roll my eyes at her playfully and head back to the stockroom, making a conscious effort not to think about Will, or his show or his adorable little book note for the rest of the day.
♾️
Hours later, after I've pulled, pushed and stacked boxes and boxes of stock and equipment that I've never even seen before, I'm finally finished working on the stockroom, and I am quite literally disgusting. My fingernails are black, there's dirt embedded into my hair, and I've been sweating so much that my shirt is now wet. I hope to god there's wine at home, because I'll be drinking the whole damn bottle after the day I just put in.
"Izzy?," Carol calls, "are you still working in here? It's almost seven."
She steps inside, taking a look at all of the work I've done. "Oh my, it looks great in here, you must be worn out!"
"Yeah, but at least it's done," I say. "The layout makes much more sense now. We can get at the popular items a little easier."
Carol nods in agreement, but then quietly pushes the door closed behind her. My eyes move from her, to the door and back again. I know from that move alone that I'm in for a talking to.
I wait like a child who’s about to be scolded, knowing that I can't leave until she gets out whatever she wants to say. She sits down on a small step stool, looking all business as her eyes peer over the top of her glasses at me.
"So. How are you doing?," she asks. "Really?"
This is weird. Heart to hearts aren't Carols area. Michelle usually looks after the mushy stuff, Carol is more practical. She teaches me things, gives me advice on taxes and stuff. This is unchartered territory for us.
"I'm okay," I lie, "I've been a bit tired lately. I probably just need to take some vitamins or something, the two of you don't need to worry."
"I'm not worried," she insists, "I know you can take care of your own body Izzy. It's the mental stuff that you neglect, and I can tell that something isn't right with you. Is it your dad? You know you can talk to me about it."
It's decision time. Carol and Michelle have been good to me ever since I started here. I often joke that they took me in like a stray, but really they've taken me in like family. I tell them almost everything. Almost.
I feel my shoulders sink as I try to hold onto everything that’s swirling around my mind. I have to let something out, this week has left too much weight on me.
"Jamie wants to get married," I blurt.
Carol is the type of person who's face tells you everything you need to know before her mouth does, and right now I know she thinking that marriage is an awful idea.
"Well... you know," she says carefully, "if you do that, it's likely to cost a lot... and then I imagine you guys might start talking about kids then too…"
"Um, yeah, he might have brought that subject up too"
"If thats the case Izzy, it could mean that you never get the chance to go back and study. You'll never get to do the one thing you've always wanted. Would you be okay with that?"
Carol wants me to go back and finish my training more than I do, she makes reference to it all the time. She's right though, if Jamie and I sink all our money and time into a wedding, I'll never manage to go back to study. It's hard enough to make it happen right now, not that I can really say I've tried all that much after what happened with Zach.
"What do you want?," she asks as her eyes glisten over a little, sadness pouring from her.
"I don't think I want to get married," I say, my voice shaking. "It's not something that I feel I need to do."
She perks up as soon as she hears that.
"Then you've got to tell him that Izzy, regardless of the outcome. This is too big to compromise on. For him it's a nice day and a piece of paper, for you it's all the life plans you've ever made."
"I never looked at it like that," I say, "I think I've been more worried about hurting his feelings."
And how he might hurt me in the aftermath.
"Look," Carol says, waving her hand like my point is trivial, "he's a man, he's not going to want to hear that you don't want to marry him. It will be a personal insult no matter what way you deliver it. But you stand your ground do you hear me? You don't ever give up on what you want. I love this store Izzy, but I can't give you the position or the money you deserve here, and I don't want to see you settle, not ever."
A few tears escape and roll their way down my cheeks as I let out a small giggle. "Jeeze Carol, that's quite a generalisation of all men there!"
She gives me a heartfelt smile, "After all those years of oppression and stuff, I think they owe us a few of those."
"You're right," I tell her, “about us getting married, not about all men... actually probably that too"
"All I know Izzy, is that if you're not on board one hundred percent, then it will never work. When Michelle and I got married, it was a different situation, but I can tell you with complete honesty that there was zero hesitation. There was no 'what ifs', it was right and we knew that it was the next step for us. You don't sound like you think it's the next step for you and Jamie, and that's okay. You might want it in five or ten years, after you've done all the other things you need to do, but then again you might not. You both need to want it though. That's the important part."
I nod my head, soaking up her words. "Thank you Carol,” I say. “You guys are so good to me, I hope you know that I don't take you or Michelle for granted." The shake in my voice still remains, but I don't give away any more tears thankfully.
"Yeah, yeah," Carol says, "I love you too kid."
She disregards her usual awkwardness and pulls me into a hug, it's not her style at all, and as soon we let go she gives my shoulder a little push.
"Now go home, you're on overtime here and I'm not paying you."
"Okay, okay, I'm going. Thank you again."
She looks at me thoughtfully, addressing the whole marriage thing one last time.
"You only get one life Izzy," she says, "make sure it's yours."
With that to think about, I go and grab my stuff, picking up the book that Will gave to me too. I'll hide it in the back of my wardrobe or something for now.
"See you guys Monday!," I call out as I leave. Catching Carols eye as I go, I give her a little nod of appreciation. I feel a whole lot braver after talking to her, and I've decided that I'm going to talk to Jamie this weekend and try to settle all of this as quickly and as easily as possible.
I don’t know for sure what I may want down the line, so I'm not saying no to marriage forever, but I am saying no for now. I can only hope that that’s enough for him.
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