I have come to realize i am different and sometimes that is good and other days it is bad. Dealing the my past takes a toll on me my second marriage caused me so much pain in my life to the point i was diagnosed with PTSD and i also have a battle with depression and anxiety attacks and also panic attacks and let me tell ya dealing with all of this is a pain in the ass. I would get so bad i did not want to get out of bed and i got to the point i would sleep in the rocking recliner and have the tv on and i would set the and scream and cry to the point i felt like a nut case that should be in the nuthouse and i would hide my pain so well and no one would know that i just gotten done crying i would just put on a happy smile like nothing was not going on but deep down i was this little girl that was screaming inside and no one was hearing me. After my second married that was going to shit and i have written about it on here like i said i did make me a bedroom at the other end of the house and i would hide in there to get away from my soon to be ex husband and i did go to work but i wanted to get away from me when he did not love me anymore cause i was dealing with some kind of bacteria from a surgery i had and i had to find a right stomach doctor to treat it and that to was so fucking depressing and let me tell you i try to weed drops and that freaked me out cause i never did drugs before but it really fucked with me so i was like nope and i got off of that shit fast. All i know when i am fighting my PTSD and anxiety and panic attacks i find my self staying up until the next morning to hiding my pain to wanting to leave everything behind, But with me also having a learning disability and that to is a struggle and then i also have short term memory loss due to a head injury from a car accident i was in when i was 15 yrs old. Even tho i know there are people worse off than me but i feel mine is just getting worse and that bothers me cause i am a strong person but i find my self some days that i am feeling like i want to hide in a cave and not come out ..
When these dark days come and i feel like these happen often cause when i moved up north i found out people are meaner and more stuck up and i am like holy shit what the hell and they are raciest up here to i noticed and let me tell you where i am from i am not like that i love everyone cause i was raised with different cultures cause my school was all mixed with other kids so i did not look at color i just looked at them as having a tan that i wanted but i will say this tho black people can cook like a son of a bitch they make the best BBQ ever i think you can taste the love in there food that is for sure, but no matter where i go i just feel so out of place and i keep wondering to my self it was because me having a older dad and he was retried military and my dad lived and breath that shit i can remember as a kid that my dad would be watching old war movies and i am like why are you watching this shit.
All i know the screams i yell and the tears i cry i wonder if any angels can hear me i wonder if i am getting my guardian angels i have can hear me and i wonder if there looking down at me, i wonder if there looking over me when i scream and cry, I feel like i am sinking this time and i can not get back up and i feel like i hit a pot hole and then sink hole and all the times i wonder if i will make it through i am almost 48 yrs old and its like what have i done in my life besides i feel like i have failed everything.
Even tho i remarried my first husband Roger last summer i feel like i am not good enough for him even tho he loves me and i love him but i feel there is a empty and lost feelings that come over me and i just feel like i am dealing with depression and everything that comes along with it. You know the fucked up thing about everything is there talking about mental health issues and ya see this all over the news and web ok if there so fucken worried about it ok why isn't being funded by are government and help the once's who do not have health care and help the ones who are struggling cause all the bull shit i see they are not helping anyone except other fucken countries that does not help us at all
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