Act 1 Scene 9- The Lord Of Freedom Springs
INT. BACH HOUSE - UNSPECIFIED TIME
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(LORD ABRAHAM BACH sits in his receiving room on his throne like chair. His advisor, FINLEY, stands off to his side. There are several townsfolk waiting in line to speak with the Lord of Freedom Springs.)
ABE
(To the townsman standing in front of him.)
Look. I don't care if a goddamn dragon swooped down from the sky and took off with your brother. You two scooped the gold out of the ground. You pay taxes on it.
UNNAMED TOWNSPERSON
But, my lord, my brother skipped town with it all! I ain't got nothing left!
ABE
I don't give a rat's ass. That gold came from the Queen's land. Whatever comes from the Queen's land is taxed. Not by me. By the Queen. So if you have a problem with that haul your ass down to her royalness and stink up her throne room instead of my receiving room. You have one week to find your brother and pay your taxes. Next.
(The next Townsperson steps forward. )
UNNAMED TOWNSPERSON
My Lord. Three of my goats went missing last week. We need more troops to patrol the outskirts.
ABE
Three goats? You are bothering me over three fucking goats?
UNNAMED TOWNSPERSON
They might not be no never mind to you, but they are a big portion of my livelihood.
ABE
I can't spare any more troops to patrol. The queen still hasn't sent me any battalions. Next.
UNNAMED TOWNSPERSON
But, my Lord...
ABE
You want more patrols? You write the Queen and tell her we need more troops. Next.
(The townsman leaves muttering under his breath and the next one steps up to pitch his grievance. In the background an unnamed servant walks up to Finley and hands him a letter. Finley looks at it and sees the Queen's seal. He steps up to Abe.)
FINLEY
(Holding out the letter.)
A letter, my Lord. It has the Queen's seal.
(Abe takes the letter and looks at it. He motions to one of his guards.)
ABE
Clear the room. I'll hear the rest of them tomorrow.
(The townsfolk mutter and curse before leaving. Abe opens the letter and reads it. His face goes dark and contorts with anger. He hands the letter back to Finley.)
ABE
Those cocksuckers.
FINLEY
Bad news?
ABE
No fucking troops. Not a single goddamn soldier is leaving the capital for another three months.
FINLEY
(Looking over the letter. He chuckles.)
But the Queen requests that we send a wagon train bearing the taxes we have collected? But of course she does.
ABE
Of course she does. Filthy cunt. And just where does she expect me to get the men for this wagon train?
FINLEY
I do believe she will expect you to send your own men, my lord.
ABE
Goddamn right she will. And I don't have any to spare.
FINLEY
A wagon train containing that sort of prize will require a substantial amount of guarding.
ABE
Every bandito within five hundred miles will be waiting to snatch it.
FINLEY
Indeed they will. And with no fighting force to speak of to send with said prize it will be forfeited within a week of starting it's long journey.
ABE
I'm getting real tired of getting plugged in the ass by the government, Finley.
FINLEY
As is every man, Lord Bach. As is every man.
ABE
Where the fuck am I supposed to get that many men?
FINLEY
The trouble isn't sending that many men. The trouble lies in what will happen to us here in Freedom Springs when we send that many men to guard some chests of gold on a three month journey. As soon as that many soldiers leave the attacks will start right back up again.
ABE
You bet your sweet ass they will. I know it's been quiet for a while, but that quiet ain't gonna last.
FINLEY
No it will not. The savages are no doubt watching and keeping tabs on our every move.
ABE
So what then? The Scarlet Brigade? Those horse fuckers are still a month and a half away.
FINLEY
And by the time they were ready and prepared to head out this way it would be three months passed before they arrived.
ABE
I can't stand their Grand Commander anyway. Arrogant prick.
FINLEY
Our last meeting with him was not satisfactory. The man pays no heed to your title and the respect that goes with it.
ABE
Cocksucker is lucky I didn't have him hung. So what's the answer here, Finley? I pay you to be my advisor. So advise me.
FINLEY
If we send our soldiers to guard this wagon train we will most certainly face certain death at the hands of the savages. If we send for the Scarlet Brigade it will take them far too long to respond and to arrive. Our only option may be to start drafting locals into our militia.
ABE
Draft the locals? Half of them are too dim witted to follow orders and the other half are women.
FINLEY
Some of them indeed don't know shit from wild honey, but sometimes those without many thoughts in their heads make the best soldiers.
ABE
They make great cannon fodder. But, hell, we ain't got the funds or the time to train them idiots. And they may be idiots, but they are my idiots. They came here to be under my protection. And protect them I will. Come hell or high water. And that means not throwing their dumb asses to the wolves and letting them die in droves.
FINLEY
Then we are left with three options: 1. Tell the Queen that there is no way she is getting her precious taxes for quite some time.
ABE
That'd go over like a fart during a sermon.
FINLEY
Ask your wife's family to send men.
ABE
Bout as likely as the last.
FINLEY
Or 3. Send out a rider to the Wild Guns and ask what their rate is.
ABE
The Wild Guns? Are you fucking kidding me? They are the most dishonorable and disloyal bunch of mercenaries in the entire kingdom.
FINLEY
But they are strangely effective, my lord.
ABE
Effective as hell, but at what price? When we hired them to help fend off the attacks they nearly turned on us.
FINLEY
But they didn't turn on us. And I do recall the reason they nearly turned on us was because you decided to renegotiate their fees without telling them you were doing so.
ABE
(Smirking.)
Yeah. I saw an opportunity to save a few bucks and I did it. Can't blame a man for looking out for his own interest.
FINLEY
Indeed you can't, my lord. But you had better believe that the Wild Guns won't forget it.
ABE
Cocksuckers like them don't forget nothing. You think they would work for me again?
FINLEY
My daddy used to say, "A mercenary will cut off his own cock and wear it as a necklace as long as the price is right."
ABE
(Chuckling.)
I would have liked to have met your daddy.
FINLEY
He was one of the most vile bastards this realm has ever seen. You two would have gotten along splendidly.
ABE
Send a courier out to the Wild Guns and see what it would take to get them here.
FINLEY
I will do so this very moment, my lord.
(Finley bows and takes his leave of the room. As he leaves he passes Sylvia and Pearl. He bows once again to them and then continues on his way. When the women reach Abe Sylvia curtsys, but Pearl does no such thing. )
SYLVIA
My lord.
ABE
(Kissing Sylvia's hand.)
My dear.
PEARL
I hear there's word from the Queen.
ABE
Oh yeah. Her holiness sends her highest regards from the capital.
SYLVIA
Oh! Will she be visiting?
ABE
Not in this lifetime, little love.
SYLVIA
(Looking disappointed.)
Oh.
PEARL
I'm assuming that it's time to send those taxes we have been collecting for the past three years?
ABE
(Looking agitated.)
You got spies in here or something?
PEARL
A lady doesn't need spies if she is standing outside the door listening to her husband and his grand viseer babble on as loud as their voices will allow.
ABE
Spying on a lord is punishable by hanging you know.
(A look of terror washes over Sylvia's face, but Pearl laughs.)
PEARL
My daddy is just looking for a reason to put your head up on a pike. As soon as the rope got itself nice and snug around my neck a force of a thousand men would be storming through here and taking control of this wreck of a province.
ABE
(Half smiling.)
That's true. What would I do without your razor sharp tongue to keep me grounded anyway?
PEARL
Well you would probably expire from some disease of the buttocks brought on by all others who are constantly kissing them.
ABE
Hey, speaking of your daddy: You don't think...
PEARL
Ugh. Do not even go there, Abraham. You know my daddy wouldn't piss on you if you were on fire.
SYLVIA
My word! Lord Bach is a great man and...
PEARL
And the only reason he is a great lord is because of the Union of our houses that our marriage brought with it.
ABE
(Taking Sylvia's hand and looking into her eyes.)
Don't pay any attention to this bitter old gal, my love. I would have gotten to my position with or without her.
PEARL
And it only would have taken you another century or so to achieve it. Well since the Queen didn't send any interesting news I will take my leave.
(Pearl turns to walk out of the room. Sylvia looks into Abe's face.)
SYLVIA
My lord! We come bearing news! Your s...
PEARL
(Spinning on her heel. It's obvious she takes pleasure in stealing the news away from Sylvia.)
Your son is coming home tonight. We are preparing a banquet in his honor.
(Pearl then turns and begins to walk off again.)
ABE
Which son, woman? I have four of them.
PEARL
(Still walking away.)
Christian.
ABE
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