Growing up I always wanted to help as many individuals as I could, inspire them to be the best they could be. Now I can barely stand people. I am not the same person that I used to be; I honestly have no idea who I am anymore. So how does one talk to their family and friends about that? Its not really an easy conversation around the dinner table to have, although now thinking back a lot of the dinner conversations weren't really 'dinner table acceptable'. Not many people can say that their nightly dinner chats were quiet regularly about how their bowel movements were that day, the look, smell and consistency. (That was always embarrassing when my brother and I had friends stay over). For some strange reason not many people I grew up around new personal boundaries, or maybe it was because the parents felt so comfortable in their own skin and with their children's issues they felt it thrilling to involve every Tom, Dick and Harry in on the life stories?
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With studies on my own personality, through counselling and a psychologist they believe I am a Stargazer. (A laid-back dreamer). I will tend to be someone who will lie back, look up to the skies and dream? Ive never been one to daydream or look up at the sky in a literal form, but I can see where the professionals are coming from. But there is so much more to me than what doctors and professors write down in my crazy files.
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One of the issues I have had all my life is anger issue, and after reading a little of my family history and temperaments you can probably guess which side, I inherited the bad traits from. I would even go as far as saying it is why I have difficulty with family, social and occupational settings. Having no middle with my anger does cause a lot of arguments to get out of hand, but over the years I have got better. Learning how to let feelings and emotions out before they bottle up and I black out.
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Blacking out in a blinding rage is scary if you have ever experienced the situation and if you havent, I never wish it upon you. Coming 'to' marching down the road with the police and ambulance following you can be a little confronting, plus extremely confusing. I have always had rage blackouts; I can tend to feel when one of them is building. Today to help with the overwhelming emotions I write, I draw, or I smoke a truck ton of green stuff to mellow out my brain. They somewhat stop them inner voices from going over situations that will only make my anger levels rise. My coping mechanisms were a little different a few years ago, I would keep my mouth shut and keep everything hidden inside until the smallest of things set me off. My worst black out was one I had with an ex Mike, and while explaining this I will state that the story is still extremely all over the place. When they come from other peoples mouths, they tend to change and grow, makes me wish I had hidden cameras in the house to check on the story facts.
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I do not remember the year, nor do I remember the occasion, but we were having a lot of troubles and stresses for quite some time. (Id moved out a few times and each time I ended up been pulled back). To skim over the boring shit, I had told him I wanted to end things, and as an emotional abuser does when they realise, they are no longer in control they try to play and manipulate the situation to favour them. This wasn't new news to him, I had been telling him for over a year that things were not working, I didn't love him anymore, I wanted to just be friends and wasn't it best If I tell the truth rather than have him living in a relationship I knew I wasn't invested in anymore. The ways in which I expressed these thoughts and opinions started off as understanding and nice, I didn't want to destroy the guy. He was at one point what made me happy. Now looking back though I see what was happening, anytime I showed any sign of wanting to leave I was torn down, manipulated and left in a state that make me wonder "who the hell could love me", "this is as good as its going to get". Thinking back now, I should have known where the relationship was heading. At the start whenever I spoke about a male friend he would always throw in an 'if you ever leave me or cheat on me, I'll kill you'. First time it was said I laughed; it wasn't a joke.
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Each time I would get pulled back in and manipulated into staying, promising to keep trying but honestly there is only so much been nice and trying to get my point across I can deal with before I snap. I don't do well with been forced into doing things I have no desire to be a part of. So, after months of repeating myself and explaining, I felt like I was well and truly losing this game called life.
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"How could you do this to me? Ive done everything for you. I stayed with you when you were fat!" was the phrase that made me crack at first. If you honestly love someone shouldn't you want nothing more than to see them happy? Even if that isn't with you? It could also be called not been selfish, letting them live their life? I may have very different warped views on relationships, but I thought one of the main factors was happiness in a loving commitment. So, while feeling like I was stuck in a shitty home situation I dedicated myself to working 40-50+ hours a week just so I didn't have to go home. (Also got a second job there for a while). Which was the best thing I could have ever done at that time; it focused my thoughts and determination on useful things. Defiantly got me further in the job position I had at the time.
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So, while burying myself in every other work activity I could get involved in, I was having some pretty mental issue swimming around in my brain. A lot of people will be able to relate, some may not but I was stuck in a situation that was taking a serious toll on not only my physical but mental health. I was spiralling down a path of depression, had still not in any way emotionally dealt with my Dads passing and every little issue was been ignored and never talked about. My ex never seemed like he understood what it felt like to lose someone. His true self did show loud and proud when we moved interstate (id put up with it for years), and I hated my life. I was ready to pack up all my bags and just leave, tell no one and start a new life. The dark scary part was my depressions likes to win, occasionally through my high school it got what it truly desired and that is by far the hardest secret to keep from people. All my brain wanted to do while I was stuck in that house (with a guy who claimed to love me) was die. I never actually got to express these emotions to him in words though, the rage blackout came instead. I can put it down to stress, lack of sleep, feeling trapped and alone. As stated earlier I remember the aftermath, me walking down the road been followed by authorities. I supposedly went to bed like normal but woke up at some point in the middle of the night talking in gibberish, packing my bags and was on a mission. He should have just let me leave, but he chooses against that and did what I always told him not to do and forcibly held me down.
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That never ends well, its almost the same as telling someone to calm down when they are furious already! In my blacked-out state I may have tried to kill him, that is what he explained to everyone after all and I cannot argue. I don't know what went on. I understand that it sounds very bad and at the time it was, scared the shit out of myself that's for sure. I managed to get out of his grip to find and in the state, I was in searched and found his gun and bullets. The only thing that stopped me was that in the zonked-out state I couldn't figure out how to load the gun. He didn't press charges; we spoke after a couple of days, but he was advised to let me leave and go stay elsewhere and he did. That was when reality must have hit him, I wasn't happy, he clearly wasn't happy either look at the relationship he was in. Look what had happened. I tried to show him that, closer to the end. I explained he deserved so much better, someone that wanted to come home and spend the day with him. A woman that wanted to buy a house, have children and grow a family. He got it in the end, which always frustrated me because he had been in the same situation with me before, but the roles were reversed. He wasn't happy, never wanted to come home and so he kicked me out on my twenty first birthday and I was sent on a plane back home to live with my parents. (That story is a hell of tale and will be explained in depth later, it involves so many more people from my old life).
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I took months trying to get him to understand and listen, but in the end, it had to come down to a blackout murder attempt for him to notice I was not joking. I had always told people to be honest with themselves when it came to love. If your eyes start looking elsewhere you are not happy, so stop pretending to be. Ages after the end of the relationship I was painted as a horrible person, that cheats, steals and lies. I know now that for a long time he didn't tell his family, or his friends what was happening they all thought we were some crazy in love happy couple. When we had been over for quite some time. Having rude, aggressive rants written about me and posted on social media about things I supposedly did made me so angry. Especially when I had moved on with my life. They had absolutely no idea about what had been going on and how long. So, what gave them the right to blast me out? Did I fight back? No, I deleted and blocked them all out of my life without a second thought. I had no fight left in me for them people. If my 'friends' were so quick to believe the stories they were getting fed, what type of friends were they really? I don't like to tell people this, but I was hurt that they thought so little about me, they were the group of friends I had been hanging around since school and spent every weekend with. I got what I wanted though, in more ways than I bargained for. I got to start over with nothing and no one.
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Not many people want to hear about mental issues and what Ive dealt with, but the fact is its very important because to explain the person I am today you need to hear to dark and nasty parts. The blackouts, depression, drugs, alcohol abuse, every little detail.
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Blackouts were such a giant part of my past that they became a very personal matter, only individuals that lived in the same house as I knew they occurred. For the unfortunate ones that happened to catch me on a bad day, they are the ones I feel sorry for. I am not the one who usually apologies for my actions unless I feel regret and like they didn't deserve my wrath. But I have unfortunately worked in an industry that has camera rolling twenty-four seven and is very careful of their responsible serving of alcohol. I have seen and heard myself on camera many of times. When I snap and bite your head off in my workplace you must have well and truly deserved it. I don't ever risk my job or reputation, I learnt you take a few deep breathes and think about happy thoughts. If that never worked, you generally walked into the freezer and punched the frozen fish fillet box as hard as you could till you felt relieved. That my friend is one of the unfortunate things about hospitality no one seems to tell you. Used and abused. There generally is no one to stick up for you but yourself, most people will back stab you to get ahead in their job position and if you dare open your mouth and actually stand up for yourself you will most likely be fired before you can mutter the word 'huh'. I have had this happen to me, had a schooner glass thrown at my face when I called last drinks in a bar, I was working in. Now I don't know if it was excellent of extremely bad but that my first reaction was to grab a schooner glass and through it back at his face with all the strength I could compel. Another time I chased them into the carpark screaming profanities because he destroyed my restaurant layout for the next day.
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I didnt get fired from this job for my attitude, I did when I started sleeping with an employee and that wasn't to do with my attitude either. It was for the pure fact that my female boss had some sick crush on that employee who was over 20 years younger than her. Words and rumours don't mean much but what I saw behind closed doors at this place would have put a normal person in some serious therapy.
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