I was in bed in a foreign country under the protection of a British Duke. This country was now protecting me, which was a bit strange, as the British always have been the enemies of France. You could not see this in the way the lady of the house acted. She was beside my bed all day and nursing me. The journey here was quite hard. My health declined once again so I was confined to bed all the time. Once again I heard doctors whisper that they did not think that I would survive.
Von Ferson returned to Sweden. I never did hear from him again. I would not remember him as the man that was rumored to be my dad, but rather than a man that saved my life.
The Duchess was the same age as my mother. She told the doctors that she would not allow me to die. She had a daughter my age and she recently died. She even confessed that I reminded her about her lost daughter. I slowly recovered as she nursed me around the clock. After a few weeks, I was sitting up in bed. I could not quite stand or walk, but I was so happy that I did not have so many pains. My skin was also looking more and more normal.
I remember my 11th birthday. It was the first time that I was smiling in years. I felt so safe in this new house, and The Duchess was so nice to me. I was so happy that momma and my father taught me English. I was getting better at it every day and The Duchesse always joked that my french accent was cute. Today she came in with a big cake. It was the first time I ate cake in years, and it tasted like heaven. She told me that it was so nice to see me smile.
She told me about her family. I have only seen the Duke a few times. He was the same age as my father would be, but he had a beard and rosy cheeks. He did not say much but smiled when he saw me. Lady Doneraile told me that he knew who I was and it was an honor for him to protect me. Otherwise, she said that he was a busy man as he had to run a huge estate.
The Duchess also had a son who was 3 years older than me. He was the heir and would get the estate and title passed on to him. He knew who I was and thought I was brave in dressing like a girl and being a girl. The Duchess smiled when she told me that her son admitted that I did not even look like a boy. I do not know if this was good or bad. However, she told me that he had a heart of gold.
Then she had a daughter. She was the same age as me but died a year earlier. She fell off a horse and never woke up afterward. After a while, her body just gave up. I could see a tear in The Duchess's eyes as she mentioned this. She confessed that after her daughter died, she found that she had no purpose in life... that was until I came.
I still had many nightmares. I would wake up in the middle of the night remembering some torture or pain that was inflicted upon me. The worse was when I dreamt that I was still alone in the dark cell. I hated being alone and would sit in the bed screaming and crying.
I did tell the Duke and Duchess about my life and especially what happened when we left Versailles. The Duchess was in tears and wondered how anyone could treat a child like that. I told them that I was ever so grateful that they protected me, but at times I still missed my mother and my sister. They were silent after I said this. I suppose they were thinking about what it would be like if their family was separated. After some silence, the Duke said that I had to get better and then we could discuss my future.
This worried me. Were the revolutionaries still looking for me? They could have sent spies to different countries looking for me. These spies could have been told to kill me or drag me back to the dark cell. This also caused me to have many nightmares.
Another thing that worried me was people's expectations. People in France, as well as most European countries, have proclaimed me as the new king. Did people expect me to gather an army and go back to France and save the monarchy? In a way, I wanted to do this as I would be able to save momma and my sister. However, I really did not want to be a king. I wanted to help the people of France, but I did not want to be a king and be afraid of my life all the time or if I would be locked in a dark cell!
The Duke visited me a few months after my birthday. He told me that he had strange news. The French government announced that the Dauphin was dead. At first, this confused me a lot. How could I be dead? The Duke explained that they must have replaced me with some street boy when I escaped. It would be too embarrassing for the French government to admit that I escaped. Now this boy that they pretended to be me was dead. The newspaper said that he died of tuberculosis
This made me cry. Another innocent boy was the victim of the revolution. It should have been me that died. All I could think about was that this boy suffered in the dark cell and must have felt so alone in the final days of his life.
The Duke tried to cheer me up and say that we must be sensible. The death of this boy meant that the French thought I was dead. Even if I did go back and claim to be the king, they could just say that I was an imposter. This means that I was now safe as they would not be looking for me if they announced that the Dauphin was dead.
So many people have died or imprisoned or tortured for the sake of republicism.
The Duchess helped me with my nightmares by always having a light in my room, especially at night time. She also sat next to me until I slept. My room was also full of teddies to keep me company. All this helped that the nightmares slowly become less than they were.
At times I felt restless. Every day I tried to stand and walk and was disappointed when I was too weak to do so. This made life hard. I would look out the window and wish that I could play in the garden or at least see what was outside the bedroom. The son's name was Jason and he started visiting me every day. In the beginning, he thought it was strange that I was dressed like a girl, but he got used to it after some time. He was very nice as he would sit hours with me and just talk or read a book or play a game. To be honest, I think that I also helped him as he told me it was lonely living in the manor after his sister died. Jason quickly became a friend. I really had no friends before.
The day finally came when I could stand and walk. I was allowed to explore the house. I still had girls nightdress on and my hair by now was very long. It was so exciting that I could walk around and participate in family events. The family was so civilized and after years of being treated like an animal, it was like I had to learn the proper manners and etiquette again. They had a lot of patience with me.
I was so happy. It was a whole new life for me. I was never alone. I would eat with others or sit with them in the family room. I always had someone to speak to. It was also great that a teacher came every day and gave us lessons. Jason did not like schooling, but the teacher was proud of me and said that I was a quick learner.
Jason was a great friend. We have done so many things together. However, at times he spoke before he thought. Sometimes he would ask why I did not want to wear boys' clothes. I would shrug my shoulders and answer that the maids put me in a dress. When Jason was mad, he would call me a sissy, which was hard to argue against.
The worse was one day when we were walking through the park. I was telling him how happy I was, but I still missed my family. Jason said he would miss his mother if she was dead. This made me yell at him saying that my momma was not dead. She was locked in a cell. Jason lost his temper and said that he heard that she was executed years ago. This was the first time that I heard that momma was dead and I did not believe it.
I ran all the way back to the Duchess in tears and told her that Jason was being mean. She told me to sit down.
“ You should have been told about this long ago,” she started, “ Jason was telling the truth. When you were removed from your mother, your sister was removed shortly after. Your mother already lost her husband and now her children. She cried a lot and missed you every minute of the day. The French never did like your mother. She was not French and they did not like that she spent so much money. However other European countries did not like the revolution and they went to war with France. Some say that your mother was sending secret letters to other countries asking if they could help.”
“ Is momma dead?”
“ Listen and I will tell everything. Your mother was dangerous for the new government. While they thought they could train you to be a citizen, your mother was a Queen. She was a symbol. They had a trial for her. It was really not a trial and more like a show. They even made you sign documents that accused your mother of a disgusting act called incest. The judges said your mother was guilty and she was executed. Even when she was executed, she showed grace. She forgave those that executed her.”
By now, I was full of grief and could not believe that I was an orphan. I ran out of the manor and ran as far as I could. I ended up in the middle of some woods next to spring water. I did not know what to think as all I could think was that my mother was killed. I could not understand why people did not like her. They did not know her as I knew her.
I also felt like it was my fault. I signed the documents that helped the judges say that she was guilty. It was not true of what the documents accused momma of. My parents never hurt me or done anything bad. I signed it because I did not want to be hit and I was afraid. Now I could not help thinking it was my fault.
I do not know how long hid in the woods. I fell asleep and when I woke up, it was getting dark. On top of the news about momma, I wondered if my sister was alive and I was now afraid because it was getting dark.
Then I head momma's voice, “ I love you! You now know that I was executed. This was not your fault. I do not want you to blame yourself. I want you to be happy and always compassionate for those that are not as lucky as you are. Your sister is alive and she will always think of you. Forgive those that have hurt our family and remember that I always am with you”
I decided that my life had been hard, but I am sure that some people had harder lives. I needed to make my parents proud and live the best life that I could. I walked back to the manor. The Duchess gave me a hug and said she was so worried.
When the hugging was done, The Duke said that he would like to discuss something with me. So a family meeting was held. He took a deep breath and explained that their family was very fond of me and would like to adopt me. As soon as I heard this, I jumped in their arms and said I would love to be their child.
Then The Duchess told me that only the family and maids knew that I was a boy. They could be relied on to take this secret to their death bed. She explained that my life could be in danger if people knew who I really was. Disguising myself as a girl had prevented this. I had a hard decision to make. I had to decide if I wanted to live as a boy or a girl. Whatever I decided, it would be respected!
I sat and thought about it. I knew I looked like a girl, and no one could see that I was a boy. I never really thought about being a boy or a girl. The fact is that I felt safe as a girl and liked the pretty dresses and the toys. After months of being disguised as a girl, I considered myself one. Deep down I was afraid of what would happen if I started being a boy again. Would people start hunting me down?
So I decided that I would live my life as a girl. The Duchess started taking me to some strange doctor that stopped my development as a boy and I started getting the body of a girl.
So I started living the life of their daughter. I never did forget about the terror I experienced in France, but now I was happy with my new family. Once in a while, I would hear things about France. I read that my old sister got married when I was 14. This made me happy as it meant that she no longer suffered.
Otherwise, I was trained to be a lady. My deep secret was something that was never revealed and everyone outside the manner thought I was a French orphan the family adopted. I must admit that I was spoiled, but my new parents also told me never to forget those that needed help.
Jason was a good brother. He was very quiet and shy with others. He would tell me all his secrets and I would tell him mine. I could not really have wished for a better brother. At times, I felt sorry for him, as he was so shy. I wondered would be able to be a Duke when the time came. He did not like showing his authority.
So I grew up to be quite different than my brother. I was very outgoing and loved being with others. I loved dancing and partying and often came home after the curfew. I never got drunk but I did like champagne. Needless to say, my adopted mother was very worried about me.
The years went by. It was now in 1822. I was very much older! I remember it was my 37th birthday. Jason was now married and had small children of his own. I adored them as if they were my own and Jason's wife was a good friend.
I was still wild and a social wild lady, that loved going to parties. I never flirted with men or contemplated a relationship. This was not because men were not interested in me. They were, however, I could never be with a man, for obvious reasons.
I knew what was happening in France. I read about Napoleon and Waterloo, and the countless leaders and turmoil in the country.
I never forgot who I was. I never forgot about my parents or sister. I never forgot the traumatic experiences I had a child. I read of people claiming to be me, and this both annoyed me and made me smile.
Despite the high life I lived, and the security that it offered me, there was something missing in my life. It saddened me every time I read about how poor the people in France were. When they could not get help because they were sick. Many people were starving. There were so many sad stories. The people of France were no better off than they were when my father was king.
I know that some French people treated me like an animal. They inflicted pain on me and nearly killed me. They killed my parents. Still, I forgave those people long ago. I still considered France as my country. I still loved France and its people.
I knew what I had to do. I had to return to France!
To be continued585Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCbnmu63R1r
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