When I saw my sunken eyes in the mirror, I thought maybe I should accept my fate. I had long been obsessed with black magic and ancient lore, and it clearly did not do me any good; The obsession that I had been chasing for three years had isolated me even more when I thought it would save me from this isolation. But there was no other tool in the world that could give me the purpose I had, the only emotion I wanted to feel in this world. People around me and my doctor told me that medicine is developing and that there will be a permanent solution to this problem around the world before I die. In fact, in a way that is inexplicable at the moment, most women's uteruses have become too thick and inflexible to hold a child. The fact that no child has been born for three or five years have disturbed even China, because my doctor said that the pioneer of these studies in the field of medicine was the People's Republic of China even though they try to reduce the population. But I didn't have the patience to wait that long, I was in my late forties. Although my appearance was at least in the fifties and my mind was a thousand years behind. For many, I would have been branded as "not ready to have children" anyway. But after spending all my life alone and without love, I justify this selfishness to myself. I need someone to love me for feeling indebted no matter what. No one really feels indebted to anyone unless you have nine months in your belly.
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I packed my bag and headed to my grandmother's house.They used to say that she was crazy about esoteric wisdom. I've never seen her in my life, she doesn't even have a photo, but since I resemble her behaviorally, I think our faces may resemble each other, too.
Although no one lives in her house, the wealthy could not demolish it and build a new house, since it already looks like a ruin and is located in a mountainous area. Her house looks like a usual wreck from the outside, but when you go inside, it looks creepy with its ruined gothic decor, large dusty and broken shelves covering the bricked walls and thick burnt occult books inside it. I have to say that even I was scared. I have to get what I need from this half-way library and go home, but of course I have to get the materials from here as well if they’re not burnt as well. I don't know anything about having children by magic. I really don't know if I'll have to get surgery, if that happens they'll use me as a test subject and I don't want it. I am not going to operate on myself but I have no one to help me. Even though it might seem like it would turn against me in any way, sometimes I say it's worth a try.
It was a great chance for me to come here before a lot of thick and dusty books mix with nature. If these stayed here a little longer, I'm sure I would have to dig them out of the dirt. I don't know which one will do the work for me but I think the thickest one compiles all the spells.
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_ Page 12, 'Habent Haedos', 'Et vos have haedos, et vivet ultra'* _ [The translation at the end of the page]
The rest of the title can not be read due to burnt edges on each page of the book. I don't know Latin, but since my grandmother wrote to them in Turkish, I could understand that it must be a spell that prolongs one's life with a child. Even if my main goal is not to prolong my life, I think this will work.
Animal blood, raw chicken legs, rosemary and many other interesting materials... And the magic prayer words: “Diana, goddess of abundance and fertility, grant me one of your children. Feed me, grow and beautify me with their fluid as they bloom in my womb. Lead their birth and let me be their guardian. Beautiful Diana, goddess of abundance and fertility, help me.’’
I combined everything carefully I needed in a glass and turned it into a homogeneous liquid. It turned into a dark brown sticky liquid. Needless to say, it didn't smell very good. Drank it by saying the magic words on it. From what I read on the other page, I didn't have to wait nine months and carry two kilos in my belly because Diana resurrects poor children who died right after they were born. I will have to wait for just a month. I’m sure a month will pass quickly.
***
Time went by really fast as I estimated. Within a month, I resumed my daily life and could see my stomach swell day by day. I was looking at my stomach in front of the mirror every day in excitement mixed with fear and I really looked like a pregnant woman. I couldn't go out in case anyone passing by to see a pregnant woman and report it to news agencies and get me in trouble. But I still do not know how to give birth to this child. Opening up my stomach with a knife seems like the only solution for now, but the pain certainly will not be bearable. I'm just relieved that I know a wrong move won't cost my life, I just hope not to lose too much blood.
***
Yesterday, I struggled with cutting my stomach and I succeeded. I did this with no idea how to fix my cut after giving birth. It was not certain that I would survive this birth yet I kind of finished what I started. Then the goddess Diana helped healing my stomach like it had never been cut as I was reading the magic words again and again. Whilst I was dizzy and my vision darkened, it seemed there was a white bright light cluster floating in the air, it direclty spoke to me. “You have to kill this boy,” it said, “you will, because the balance of the world can not be disturbed. If you don't, then he will kill you. One death for each birth. I gave the boy to you because he was already dead and you requested for me to give you beauty and youth with all the useful fluids and organs in his helpless body. But remember, you have to kill him. You can’t make someone alive who’s already dead. Even I, can not do it. The dead are dead. Never try it.”
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The last thing I want to do is to go against a goddess’ words, but I don't think I can kill him while he's sleeping like an angel in his crib. He’s a mixture of all the heritages in the world, all the faces and all the emotions. Most importantly, he is someone who grew up with me and became one with me. I will feel the same pain when I kill him as I would if I took my own life. If he's going to kill me, I’ll let him kill me but I can't hurt him even if I tried. He seems so alive yet so dead, though. There is definitely something so strange about this boy, he never cries and does not open his eyes. It just looks dead and I know he is. However I want him to react a little, to look at me with those tiny eyes. I don’t feel like a mother at all. I get goosebumps and every now and then when the smell of corpses comes to my nose out of nowhere. Sometimes I want to burn the whole house down with him in it. But I believe he will open his eyes, I believe he will start crying now.
***
Today is my birthday and nothing has changed since I last wrote. He is still lying there, like a statue or a mannequin. I'm afraid to even touch it now. I've had a ringing sound in my ear for a long time. It's getting closer and closer. Although it came from afar at first, now it's like right in my child's room. I hope it's just because of that thing called puerperal syndrome. I didn't expect my death to be so close to me. My nose smells of corpses mixed with dirt as if I had dug every grave in the cemetery and brought the dead bodies to the ground. I always see death in my dreams. Baby crying sounds. I've never been able to sleep peacefuly.
***
Baby is crying. My baby is finally crying now but I’m not sure if I should go to his room. I better go. Maybe the goddess finally learned there can be no balance when there is mankind. I'll come take a look. I hope Diana isn't such a cruel woman to kill me on my birthday.
[ Habent Haedos', 'Et vos have haedos, et vivet ultra' means: Have a kid and live longer. *I guess, I don't know Latin I used translate and I'm probably it's wrong.]
note:
(I want to create a world where women can no longer birth. I know this topic is so popular but I like the idea of it, it could create an amazing dystopia. So as I said the cause will be thickening of the uterus. I didn't fictioned why it happens but I'm thinking about it. In this, I tried to adapt a dystopia to a short story and I'm not sure if I made that successfully because the world and the illness needs to be addressed more. This was just a try and actually this will be a longer story. For horror I added the magic element but I guess I won't add it to the long version. Also this was a direct translation from my language to English. I will try to write this short story firstly in English and advance it more.)
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