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I stared in horror at the blood gushing out of my mouth. The red drops turned orange on the school’s porcelain sink. I looked at my palm finding the final tooth of my four canines resting there. Just like the last three times I performed my own dental work, this index and pointer finger extraction didn’t hurt a bit.
Pulling the tooth felt more like taking the seed out a juicy peach. There’s a little friction, but with just a little more effort the seed slides out of the sticky meat. That’s how I’d explained it to Richie, which made the poor guy nearly lose his cool.
“I hate when you do that shit to me, man!” Richie had said while covering his mouth. “You know I’m sensitive!”
With blood still dripping from my mouth, I ceremoniously cleaned the tooth and placed it in my pocket. It just felt wrong to throw it away. I wasn’t expecting the tooth fairy to come give me a participation award for at least trying to keep my mouth clean or anything. It just didn’t feel right just to throw it away. This shouldn’t have been happening to me though, as I’d always been very particular with the cleanliness of my teeth. But there I was, losing more of them each day.
I looked back into the mirror, not recognizing the person in the reflection. I knew I was sick, but I hated the idea of going to the hospital. They were always trying to poke you with shit and you leave feeling worse than you did when you first went in.
But today’s lost tooth was the final straw. I needed to tell Father Donovan about this.
Just then the bathroom door swung open, snapping the mop stick I’d carelessly jimmied through the door handle. I jumped, banging the top of my head into the glass, cracking it in several places before I fell onto my ass.
“The hell happened here?” Richie said, covering his mouth and taking a step back. “The fuck, man! Look at you! Gah dayum, it looks like I’m on a mother fuckin’ Rob Zombie set or some shit.”
“Hey man,” I said, holding the top of my head. “You good?”
“Am I good? Look at you, dude!” Richie walked over and started to wet some paper towels for me while I sat against the bathroom wall. “Seriously, man, you look like shit. You got blood dripping from your lips like a baby who just got done getting some good suck on his momma. And your hair’s wet. Why the hell’s your hair wet? You rabid dog, swamp monster lookin’ motha fucka.”
“Good morning to you too,” I said, taking a wet paper towel from him as he held it out to me from a distance, as though I were an animal. I wiped my mouth and leaned my head back. “Are they looking for me?”
“Who? The teachers? Hell no. Pretty sure they stopped asking about you and looking for you altogether. Which I can’t blame them with all the weird shit you do.”
“I’m not that weird,” I argued.
“Dude, you got a fuckin’ mop holding the door closed like you’re on some Tom n’ Jerry shit, fuckin, Shaggy and Scooby shit. Might stop by Petco later and grab you some scooby snacks for your nasty ass. Why can’t you be like the rest of white people and just eat your mayonnaise sandwiches and let that be the weirdest shit you do.”
“Wanna see my tooth?” I asked as I tried not to laugh for fear of shooting out the rest of my teeth. Richie’s distasteful and colorful monologues always got to me though.
“Fuck no, keep that shit away from me. Seriously, man,” Richie said, helping me up. “You can’t go back to class lookin’ like this. They’re gonna think you’re in here doin’ the latrine olympics or some shit.”
“I have no intentions of going back to class,” I said. “I’ve got a place to be.”
“So you’re skipping? Again?”
“Yeah.”
Richie dried his hands then patted his sweating forehead. “You’re grades are already horrible, man. I say they aren’t looking for you but they will the more you start missing classes. You can’t afford to miss fifth period’s exam. ”
“Not interested,” I said, waving my hand. “Too easy. Too boring.”
“Saying you’re too smart for the exam isn’t taking the exam though, bitch,” Richie said.
“I have nothing to prove.”
“Dude, that’s not the freaking point.” Richie stopped me before I could make it to the door. “If you want to get into a good school then you have to perform.”
“Who said I was going to college?” I asked, throwing Richie off guard.
“Uh, no one, I just kind of assumed?” Richie shrugged. “Thought we’d go together.”
“You’re the mathematical genius coder,” I said. “You’re the one met for college, not me.”
“If only being a whiz at code got me the girls,” Richie said. “Cuz then I’d be swimming in pink.”
“Are you going to let me pass or are you going to come with me?” I asked, growing impatient. “I seriously have a place to be.”
“And where do you have to be that so damned important that you can’t show Miss. Slob-on-my-knob-Cobb that you’ve got your economics shit down?”
I didn’t say anything and turned away. In doing so, Richie knew exactly what I was up to.
“You gotta stop that shit, man,” Richie said, dropping his hand from my chest. “That’s probably why you’re losing body parts while hiding away in bathrooms. Just leave Father D alone. You showing up is just gonna piss him off more. Way more than last time.”
“Well, what about those times I saved his life?” I asked. “You forget about that? So I need to be there.”
“Ya, I do remember those times. I also remember you being the one to cause the exorcism to go to shit.”
“That’s your opinion,” I said.
“From what Father D tells me, you literally jumped on an old man having a seizure just last week,” Richie argued.
“That’s only halfway true,” I said, lifting a finger. “I thought he was holding a knife and was going to stab Father while his eyes were closed in prayer.”
“And the knife turned out to be?” Richie asked, goading me into spilling what really happened.
“Just because it was a banana doesn’t make my feat any less brave,” I said, refusing to meet his eyes.
Richie sighed and slumped over in defeat. He lowered his voice and said, “Look man, you and I both know it’s not safe for you to walk without help. Not during the day.”
“I can see just fine,” I lied, “My new prescription contacts are working perfectly.” But in actuality, no prescription ever seemed to work. Or at least, not while I was outside. For some reason, my glasses only worked while hidden from the sun. To this day, no optometrist doctor has been able to figure out why.
“Bull shit,” Richie said. “Why do you want to go so bad to this one? Why not take the exam and ruin an exorcism another day?”
“Screw you, man,” I said. “I’m not ruining anything. I’m just… inserting myself into a situation as an unasked, but helpful volunteer.”
“Tell that to the family who watched you pounce on their demon-ridden fuckin’ grandpa,” Richie said. He didn’t say anything as he looked to be thinking something over. “Ahh screw it. How about this. Let me walk you to where Father D is.”
“I can do it by my-”
“I know you can,” Richie said. “But let me do this. It makes me feel better.”
“Fine,” I said. “But we need to go now.”
“Uh uh uh,” Richie said, wagging a finger. “I’ll let you go on two conditions.”
“Jesus, man, what?”
“One, you don’t go to another exorcism for 6 months and work on actually going to class,” Richie said.
I sucked in my lips and looked away. I was a lot of things, but I wasn’t a liar. Well, never mind, I was a liar and a good one. But I wasn’t a liar to my friends. Or, should I say, friend.
“Fine,” I said. “What’s the second condition?”
A relieved smile came over Richie’s face. “And the second condition is you get your ugly ass mug checked out. I’ll go ahead and schedule an appointment at the nearest vet.”
“Screw you,” I said. “Fine. All conditions accepted. No lessss gooooo get this ghoul.”
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