Chapter 0.5 - The first thing I wanted to say.
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January 25th, 2022
To Rebbeca,
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Hey. It’s me. Hannah. Two years ago, if you told me that we ended up like this, I would’ve laughed. They told us love doesn’t last forever. That in a couple years, this would’ve been nothing but a highschool crush. We thought they were wrong. We were “different.” Our love felt everlasting. It was new and it was so stupid.
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I see that now. Our love was, and still is, nothing but a crush. Platonic feelings that we mistook for love. Platonic feelings that ruined both our lives. Platonic feelings that ended in so much pain.
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I wasn’t good to you, I’ve realized. I didn’t know what love meant; what was considered “love” and what was considered “friendship.” I got jealous easily. So did you. We would start up drama and never finish it. We were like two mice, easily taken down, but quick and cunning enough to survive.
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Two mice in a cat’s home.
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I never did blame you. Even when you started threatening me. I wasn’t a proper partner for you, and to this day I still wonder what I could’ve done to fix this. The first time I met you, I was instantly blown off my feet. You were so cool; and everything I wanted to be. I decided that if I couldn’t be you, I’d become friends with you.
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Later that month, we were acquainted. We didn’t know each other well, but the moment we discovered we both wanted to start a book club, we became close. We ran the club together, and we successfully had half the school join.
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That wasn’t what I wanted, but it was your wish. And who was I to disagree with the person I admired so much? The book club went from being the quiet place to read that I wanted, to becoming the loudest, angriest place in the school. But you were happy. And because you were happy, I was too.
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But now because of this, neither of us are happy. Rebbeca, I miss you. Even after everything, I miss you. I don’t know why I miss you, and I don’t want to know. Even after all the pain, tears, and hurt you’ve caused, I miss you.
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Or maybe…. I miss us. Maybe it’s not you I miss, maybe it was never you I missed. Maybe, after all this, what I miss is our love. The love that we had. The love that was toxic, but still felt warm somehow. The love that made and broke us. The love that ruined us.
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I wish you would’ve told me, y’know. About the internal struggle you had. About the loss of love towards me that I didn’t pick up on. The embarrassment you had when I talked about us. Maybe then, we could’ve ended up better.
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Relationships are a very private thing, I’ve learned. They aren’t something you boast and show off like in every romance book. They aren’t something you can make in a day. You take months and months trying to know a person, but you will never know them completely.
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Right now, as I’m writing this, I’m looking at that picture of us. That year in ninth grade where we were still so young. The picture we took at that old barn on the field trip to Maine. We looked so different then. You had frizzy blonde hair that stuck up at the sides. I had light brown hair that curled past my lower back in a low ponytail. You were holding a strawberry vanilla ice cream cone, with your face scrunched up in a smile, freckles dotted against your skin. I held a chocolate cone, and my eyes were crossed as I stuck out my tongue.
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I miss those days. The days when we were carefree, and didn’t have to worry about things like love and heartbreak. The days where I could listen to Melaine Martinez and not have panic attacks, and when you could smile at me without underlying hatred.
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You won’t ever see this, will you? Even though I’ve put so much time into this letter. Why would you? After you blocked me on all social media, and flipped me off in the halls. Why would you care about what I think?
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-Hannah
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