Damn I really cannot be bothered to get up today, my body is screaming at me to just stay in bed and for once in my 23 years take it easy, to actually give myself a break and process my shit storm of a life but no that’s not me...like at all. I think I somehow inherited my mothers way of thinking despite her never being around , the whole ignore and move forward way of life really can be beneficial, especially if your a cold hearted bitch, a person who just really couldn’t give two shits as long as your alright in the end. Luckily, I am now only the first part of that statement, my mother is the second, she really is just sour and all round a nasty piece of work, thank god I had my dad otherwise I would lack any normal human emotion, however times like this I wish I could just do a vampire diaries. Switch it off, rid of all human emotion, get wasted and swiftly get through life, minus the sucking the blood of course. Although if Damon Salvator said to me to go suck the life out of human, I would probably have a hard time saying no. That dude is stupidly hot, a perfect specimen, those damn eyes would turn me into pure mush. Yet I am not a sassy sexy vampire, I am Lily freaking Maey. A some what normal looking female and I have to grow some giant balls and face this shit head on. Its been 1 week and four days since I saw Michael and that waitress from our local bar together. When it happened, when I walked in on them thirty minutes before I was due at his home, I just couldn’t believe what I was seeing. I felt nothing, it was pure numbness, not because I was sad but because I just felt somewhat stunned. He had the audacity to bring home a girl before he was meant to see me for our ‘make up date' . It shouldn’t have surprised me really, me and Michael have been growing apart for a while but I just thought it was because I was working less and he was working more. I have a fairly normal job where as Michael doesn’t really, he says he does but he works for Mr Wilkes and from personal experience I know he isn’t the most normal employer out there. I’m not sure what Mr Wilkes does exactly but from the whispers around town, it’s not all legal. I wasn’t completely comfortable with Michael working for someone with such a reputation but hey no... not my problem anymore. Let me give you some back story to this bitter disaster then you’ll understand why my life is the equivalent of mess and in shambles.550Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0CJSPJZrl9
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-That Night-550Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqYUWUgUZpJ
It’s taken me three weeks to convince Michael to take a night off he’s oh so busy work schedule so we can have a night to ourselves . You know actually act like a couple who actually enjoy each other company. Things are becoming strained, there’s always this weird level of tension between us. The only sign of affection I receive from him is the occasional kiss at the end of a text message but that’s usually after him requesting I do something for him like pick up his dry cleaning or reschedule our plans. I have had enough; I want to feel I am actually with someone. So I have requested phones off, a greasy takeaway of some kind , an 80s horror film, classic is preferred and just the comfort of being in each others arms because well...I miss him. Before things become any worse between us, I want to try and attempt to fix the fixable, our main problems are communicating and spending time. To fix the communicating I ring him every night before bed as well as sending him a few messages in the day, not swamping him but letting him know I’m thinking of him. Sometimes I just send a few jokes to lighten the mood. We have struggled with the whole seeing each other but tonight, this is the night we start fixing it. I really think this is what we need as over the months being around him has just started feeling very off, he’s slowly becoming a stranger, someone I no longer feel comfortable around. We don’t do anything really besides be in the same room on our phones, him because it is constantly going off and me because I need something to hide my emotions otherwise, I will crack. I sometimes just sit there watching him, he doesn’t even notice I’m staring, he’s to consumed with his phone. I see him laughing at who ever he is talking to engaging with them the way he use to engage with me. I’m there and he just dismisses me, like I don’t even matter when I should, we are partners after all. Are partners not meant to be utterly consumed by one another? Eager for their significant others to touch them, be with them...show care for them. I want it. I miss it. I’m hoping this is just a dry patch, a very dry patch that soon will be over with. I hate that this feeling of self worth has started building up again. Not having Michael emotionally or physically there for me really is messing with my well being. I guess it’s sad that these dark feelings have now found comfort within me. Its like a mixture of a mass negative build up in your chest that makes it feel tight when I take a breath around him, it makes me not want to even look up slightly because I know as soon as our eyes meet the tears will flow and with that he would look at me with pity. He expects so much from me, for me to display this certain attitude but is doing nothing for me to even slightly be able to embrace it let alone display it. Things have really become rough between us, it is as if we are two strangers just in the same room, everything was off and surrounding us was an awkward energy. Michael is constantly typing away on his phone, smirking every now and then whilst I just re read my favourite love stories on my Kindle app. Without the comfort of books, I surely would have gone insane by now. The messed-up thing is that I end up feeling envious of the fictional characters. I want what they get, I know they experience some forms of drama but in the long run they are happy, no matter what they get through the challenges, they live for one another. I know it’s silly because half the time it’s just female writers expressing what they actually want through stories they published but I can’t help the joy I feel reading them.550Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡM6DBNlwtS1
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If I even try to communicate my actual feelings towards Michael, he will just tell me to stop being over dramatic. I know this because it happening before, he rejected my emotions and told me that if I wanted to succeed in this world I need to just stop acting like a little girl and be a woman. He has a very grown way of looking at life but that’s expected...did I mention Michael was 10years older than me ? I met him through my mother and its not what your thinking My mother had me when she was young, it was the main reason her and my dad are not together. My mother was employed by Michael for over 8 years and when she left I had to clean up her mess but Michael helped me. He became my adviser then my rock to now my ex lover. I guess you could say that’s a tad weird but it is what it is. My plan for tonight is getting straight to the point then continue with the whole let’s talk about our relationship. I figured having sex would surely relax us making the talking part much easier. I have made a mental checklist to follow so tonight goes really well and rekindles our relationship. I honestly cannot wait to see him.550Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9PgrxW1DGW
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I arrive at his flat much earlier than he is expecting in order to prep everything for this evening, I light a few scented tea lights and placed them in various parts of the bedroom, they were vanilla cherry blossom which I feel add to the vibe of the room. His room is very simple yet sexy, the walls are original red brick with the occasional artistic print nailed up against it. The floor is a dark natural wood varnished to perfection; the warm lights reflect off it giving a very homey glow to the entire room. In the centre of the room is his large four posted oak wood bed. It’s utterly beautiful in design, the posts have a detailed swirl pattern along the centre, the headboard is large with thick wooden vines and it’s all a complied with gorgeous bedding and heavenly soft mattress which hopefully I'll be bouncing off later on with Michael. I want him to make love to me, he hasn’t touched me intimately in months and I think with all this in place followed by my brilliant plan, it will be the perfect way to fix our relationship and bring back the spice. I have purchased a red lace one piece from Ann Summers to wear tonight. I was sceptical at first as I am a little chunky and the women advertising it on the picture was much more slimmer than me , I still bought it though, it’s the only thing in the whole entire store that took my fancy . That shop is amazingly intriguing like there are some outfits that I don’t even understand how you would even consider them clothing, they are purely just string and holes. I made the mistake of going to the back of the store thinking there would be more outfits in the back...boy was I wrong. I was greeted by dildos of all sizes, all colours, all materials ...I was honestly in shock. It was like a candy store but for sextoys, anything you wanted I was sure they had it back there. After a quick shower to freshen up I put on the lace lingerie. I feel like I weigh a million pounds wearing the skimpy material, it’s showing off all my lumps and bumps leaving me feeling very exposed. Don’t get me wrong besides my insecurities it does feel great to wear and I do feel kind of sexy wearing it. I give myself a once over in the mirror, fluff up my hair and spray myself quickly with perfume. I decide to lay on his large bed with my legs spread and to just wait for him. This position surely should give him an obvious indication to what I want from him. Gosh I am feeling so excited, I cannot wait to have his big strong hands all over me , it really has been a long time. 550Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8OGgbtvVxq
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Ten minutes went by, I start becoming restless so I decide to grab a glass of water. Just as I am getting up, I hear a bang and I think I hear the door flying open. Shit he’s home. I try decrease the lace that has risen up by patting it down so I can resume my position on the bed. Just as I’m doing so, I can hear muffled noises. Had he brought a friend home? I’m not due to be here for another thirty minutes so maybe he has brought a colleague back for a night cap. More muffled noises. Hmm I wonder who it is, why are they whispering? Do I just wait here or go out there ... if I go out there I need to cover up. I search round for a robe to cover up my body. “oh baby don’t think this is for you , this is all about me this time” What the actual fuck...Michael? This time? I’m confused, what is he talking about. I slowly get up and creep into the hallway. A girl giggles. I can hear muffled moans. Holy crap what is happening right now. Why has Michael brought a girl home. I slowly step along the hallway, my heart racing and my lungs struggling for air. Everything around me is slightly swaying, what is happening here. I round the door... I freeze. I feel my body shatter. 550Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0qg3xLZvoU
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Michael has a girl bent over his coffee table, she is face down with her arse in the air, his hands are gripping her hips, his trousers round his ankles and his cock inside of her. This is surreal. He is fucking another women shamelessly on the table where we would have been sharing our take out tonight. What a absolute piece of shit. He continues thrusting into the girl grunting every time he fills her. Her high-pitched moans echo off the living room as she was for more from Michael . Fuck he is gross, he is so fucking disgusting, so disgracefully slimy yet I cannot take my eyes off him. I don’t feel sad, I don’t even feel sick, I just feel betrayed and a tad confused. I have no idea what to do, do I scream? do I cry. A million scenarios are battling through my mind so I just do the one thing I am able to do most. I walk straight past them and face the pair head on. Its as if my emotions are gone ,coldness has taken over, I have switched my metaphorical humanity switch and I am ready for the storm. They still for a second, I watch as both their eyes seep into reality. Michael pulls out of the girl and frantically starts tugging his pants up. The girl, I learn her name is Lucy from her name tag quickly adjusts her dress looking back and fourth between me and Michael. I never take my eyes off Michael; he goes to rush me with open arms but I just hold my hands up signalling for him to not even attempt to touch me in this moment. Lucy quietly walks out the front door. I casually put my shoes not taking my eyes off him, I want him to feel the emotions radiating off me...hate, disgust, betrayal.550Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfpY0ZNDA5S
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“Baby please let me explain, what you saw was a slip up, it won’t happen again , I have been so stressed with work, you’ve barely been here ...I lost my way” Michael slurs his words. Great he’s cheated and he’s drunk, he can be a handful at the best of time but when he’s drunk, it just adds to his unpredictable personality. I scoff at the statement, is he really going to try and work his way out of this one. “So what you slipped up and lost your way and that resulted in your dick in some other women” I bite back. I straighten my shoulders. “No, no Lillian it’s the stress of the job and you not being around, you don’t know what it does to a man, you as my women need to be here for me, to take care of all my needs...I am a man” He goes to touch me. I take three steps back. Is he being for real right now? I just caught him inside another women, my anger begins to boil and my body begins to shake. “What the fuck are you talking about Michael, I was here waiting for you, you knew I was coming over tonight, we arranged it. I am always here for you whenever you need me, problem is you never seem to need me and that’s not my fault!” I was screaming but I couldn’t help it, what is happening right now ...how is this happening? Realisation starts to kick in, how many times has he done this to me, how many others have been here, in the bed we share ? Have there been women before I have seen Michael or even after I have spent time with him. How many lies has he convinced me were truths? I’m starting to feel really overwhelmed, what is happening to my life right now, it feels as if everything is ending, it all feels so dark. My chest aches, I cannot describe the emotional pain that I am going through right now. My eyes are stinging as I try to keep the tears at bay. He is my man, my soul mate. I trusted him. He loved me...I... I love him. I fucking love him. The rage takes over. “I love you, Michael! What have you fucking done? I have made effort for you. I have made time for you. Look at me ! Look at what I’m fucking wearing for you...to please you! And you’re here trying to feed me pathetic excuses to then blame me? How stupid are you. How utterly thick are you to think I would just bow to your excuses, take the blame and let you touch me with those slimy hands of yours” I can’t breath properly, I need to calm down my heart is just pounding a million miles a minute right now. Michael steps closer to me invading my personal space. “Listen girly this may be a fucked-up thing right now but don’t you ever forget who your talking to . I deserve respect, especially in my own home. Don’t you forget that” he spits out these words in such a threatening way that he slightly frightens me, I can smell just how much he has had to drink, his breath is intoxicating and it’s making me feel sick. “You deserve nothing from me...you are nothing to me. You have lost me forever Michael. You-”. I don’t get to finish my sentence, Michael corners me and places his rough hand on the side of my face, I swear I can smell the girl’s perfume on his fingers, it makes me want to like all over him. “Do not speak such nonsense, Lillian. Yeah, you caught me in the act but it’s only because you have neglected your duty to me. Remember I helped you...I cared for you and made you the women you are today. So, you may feel all grown up talking to me this way but remember” He pauses to inhale my scent by gliding his nose under my ear. Michael strokes his finger up and down my face moving the imperfect hairs that have come free from my bun. He grips my chin forcing us to make eye contact. “ I made you. You are mine. You are mine no matter what. You owe me everything” That sentence alone was enough to boil anyone over. How unbelievably egotistical can any human being be, does he have no shame of remorse. He is not even considering my feelings right now or how this could potentially be affecting me. Imagine if this was the other way round. If he found me legs spread on a table with some random between them, I wonder how he would react. I for one would not be making terrible excuses and I would certainly not start blaming him for my betrayal. “Get the hell off me Michael, I’m done” He growls in protest then slams his fist into the dry wall causing fragments to fall on my shoulder. “Did you have trouble understanding what I just said Lillian? We are not fucking done until I say so, get use to it” His other personality is coming out and that’s not something I should have to experience. I know Michael knows he is scaring me, it’s his intention to express some form of authority , to put me in my place. It is all enough. If it wasn’t for all the adrenaline racing through my veins I wouldn’t even had contemplated doing this, I grip his shoulders tight and with all my force raise my knee to his crotch. 550Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfkajBs6SQD
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“You listen to me Michael, I am going to say this so you can understand it in your drunken state because your clearly having problems comprehending what I’m saying. I am done with you. We are finished. It’s over” I say this whilst watching Michael wriggle around the floor cuddling his balls. What a piece of utter shit. “You fucking cheap whore! Don’t you fucking leave. You cannot leave. I made you! I made you women ...you are mine!” He attempts to get up only to trip on his own feet causing him to crash to the floor. I turn my back on him, wrap myself in my duffel coat and walk out his front door bracing my self for the lonely walk home. It is January so it is typical British weather, wet, cold and icy In this moment the atmosphere couldn’t fit my mood any better. I have made a quick drastic decision ... It is time for a new me, a happy me, a girl exploring all the options in the world and having fun me. How dare that man suppress me all this time, how dare he build a life around me when he is supposed to do it with me. I have stopped myself from blossoming, I have put my life on hold for him, I have caused myself to be stunted all for nothing. I am ready, at least that was what I thought until I stumbled through my front door. I look around and just stand there for several minutes, then it all hits me properly. 550Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡooOomMQiOn
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The tears pour from my heavy eyes, my body sinks to the floor and I quietly sob to myself. I am a mess, I have no idea what is happening but at the same time understand it all, it was as if months of emotions were flowing out of me. I had kept so many things bottled up that I never actually realised how much this relationship was affecting me .I was so focused in pleasing Michael, having his approval that I forgot about my own happiness and well being. It’s insane how quickly life can go to shit even though it seems I was living in shit that was masked with cheap glitter. After about an hour of being bundled up into a ball on the floor my emotions start to calm down. My throat is rusty, my body is shuddering and my eyes are burning from the emotional tsunami I had just gone through. I decide to run myself a bubble bath to unwind. I also want to get out of this stupid outfit, I swear I am going to burn it, it probably was now ridden with bad juju and that was definitely something I wanted to avoid. I’m not superstitious, hell I’m not even religious but I do kind of get the whole surround yourself with positivity, negative things bring negatives vibes and that piece of fabric was full of negativity. I grab my phone, swiping left to unlock it, to my horror there were over 40 missed calls, all with voicemails and at least 20 texts. I deliberated opening the messages or even listening to the voicemails but I realise that would just be pointless. It would only be Michael spewing shit, probably a few I’m sorry followed by a load of abuse. I have no interest in getting back with that jerk...I literally saw his cock going in and out of some random skank just before he was going to see me! How dare he even contact me , he betrayed me, he really must have thought I had that little of self respect , that I would forgive such a vulgar act and forgive him. What a cock. I delete the unread messages and missed calls. I click on Spotify; music would be my healer. It had always been a therapeutic method of mine; I would link my emotions with songs then make a playlist expressing how I felt. If anyone saw my library, they would probably think I was mentally unstable because my playlists’ go from dark and deep to joyful and bouncy but in my opinion, that’s how you know someone is truly a music advocate. You cant just have one specific genre of music you like , it doesn’t make sense, you can have preferences. For example, I am not a fan of Russian bass music but put on some DLB and I can vibe to it, there’s always something to like in all genres, you just have to find it. In this moment I feel my ‘breath’ playlist is needed, I close my eyes and press play.550Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBwYEFWlkHf
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Linkin Park fills my silent bathroom, it consumes my body and engulfs my ears, I instantly feel better. Music is my saviour. The lyrics to Crawling really feel relatable right now. I have never felt comfortable in my own skin so with this added emotional disaster, I can’t see that problem getting any better. The wounds Michaels have created ,wow I just cannot imagine them healing any time soon, he was right about one thing...he did help me and now he has helped destroy me .I sink down into my bath tub with a sigh, I let the water drown my body to wash away the memories of the night, to cleanse me from the web of lies that have I’m ended them selves in my skin. Laying here alone, in my own home, comfortable and content has made me realise something. I feel so relieved that I caught him now rather than later, it was the wake up call I needed. Relief is the most satisfying emotion I had felt in a long time. I no longer had to be a Michael pleaser; I could be independent... just be me. With that thought embedded into my mind, I let my self smile ,to enjoy the old atmosphere I would learn to love again. My independence was the key to my healing process. I get out the bath, blow-dry my hair and put on my favourite fluffy star pyjamas. I love the comfort of fluffy pyjamas; they just make me feel cosy which is a feeling I can never get another of. I settle in to my double bed and close my eyes letting the sound of silent drift me off to sleep. 550Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtW5VIVBbuA
Rays of sunshine peeking through my blinds force me to wake. I expect to be in some form of pain, that my eyes would be sore yet nothing besides the usual stiffness of my jaw due to my TMJ....thanks Michael. I do my usual morning routine, a few all body stretches, a couple of yoga poses, twenty minutes of a high intensity workout then top it off with a morning shower. I am by no means physically fit; my figure is not the greatest however I do like to maintain my weight and keep what I can firm. I guess now with my free extra time I could join the gym and potentially sign up for some exercise classes...I wouldn’t mind improving my body and overall fitness, there’s no harm in being healthy right. I will have so much free time now along side work. Shit ...work! That’s something I cannot face just yet, I know everyone will be gossiping about me, talking shit, giving me funny looks. Eventually Michael would stop by which will further fuel them giving them more ammo. I do love my job, it’s the career I have worked so hard for, I just don’t like the colleagues on my floor, by that I mean the older women, they have some horrible grudge against me. Hmm maybe I could say I have a family emergency or something that way I can just stay home for a week or so just sorting my shit out...yeah, I’ll do that, hopefully Jacob answers, he shouldn’t have a problem with me being off. It took me an hour of calling and then hanging up because I was terrified of what they would say but luckily Jacob answered. Fortunately, enough Jacob is actually okay with it, turns out I had 4 weeks of holiday left and if I didn’t use it, I would lose it or they would end up owing me , so with them being over staffed during the Christmas period it suited them well. I had 4 weeks to reinvent Lily Maey. Holy crap I have a month of me! Woohoo ! 550Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxA4V7sGqsd
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