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If our parents ever treat me differently it is not because they care about me more. It is because they have seen how I can get when I reach my own lowest point and they know the pain that 'they' went through during my darkest times. The truth is they don't want to go through that pain again so they walk on eggshells around me to prevent a disaster from happening, again.
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You were not apart of my life for more than four years of my life, the brutally honest truth is that you left for college and I was left to deal with our parents, up-close and in person, while you faced them through the phone. Our dear parents fought with each other and it spiraled out of control lasting more than two years. It's true you heard the stories through the phone but I went through it in person and there is a difference in that. I was trapped in a lion's den with no safe place to land but it was not the same for you, you were able to escape, you had freedom.
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I will never say that you didn't go through pain because i know very well the pain you went through in college, we moved from the other side of the world and settled in an unfamiliar place, it was hard on both of us. We both became alone and our parents provided not support until things got serious.
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On my side, I was trapped and was not treated fairly. I was left to deal with a father that has explosive anger that he did not take out in the right way and even though it was towards our mother and I was caught in the crossfire's of it all. Our mother was also angry as she fought to finally hold her ground after years of not being able to stand up for herself, but even then the anger was most likely taken out on me, from both our parents. It was an environment that was unsafe and filled with anger, resentment, anxiety and I was alone in that environment. I tried to see you as a a beacon of light but you were also going through things, I don't blame you for not being able to be there for me, but that is the truth you couldn't be there for me. You became closed off and spent most of your time with your friends and didn't feel the same pain I felt while being in that environment but again, I cannot blame you, you did nothing wrong. I really felt desperate for attention during this time and looked to you in hopes of that but you were living your own life. I was in constant fear of when our father would snap at our mother after a period of silence between the two, I was always on alert and fearing their every move, until i myself snapped. I could only depend on myself even before the problems started I was ultimately alone with no one to talk to or process my feelings with. By the time my feelings became more significant you were already deep into your own issues and so I had to learn to depend in myself but again I would never blame you for that.
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In the end I was trapped in a toxic environment while you were free until your college days were over and you came back home. When you came back home you started to see my way of life yet you didn't or don't seem to understand that everything you're going through currently is stuff I have gone through already, all alone. You blame me for things and say I don't acknowledge your feelings or that I seem to not care about your feelings. You say I am being selfish but the truth is i'm only doing my best to survive in this toxic environment until I go to college just like you. I have learned the hard way that I have to be selfish sometimes to keep myself valid and alive, I don't feel I should be blamed for that. Maybe one day you will understand that as we both grow up and leave this toxic environment. Through all of this I want you to know that I do love you and I understand your pain, I truly do. I might be the only person who understand your pain to the extent of understanding that is possible. One day you will know that, you will know I am only fighting to survive just like you, and everyone else in this world.241Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRWXR6heRTe
~ Destine
Hello to my readers, this is a letter filled with a bit more emotion than the other one. Have you ever felt this way, or relate to this? I'd like to know, so go ahead and comment, you will be heard. This is always a safe space and you can always message/Dm me about anything, you are not alone, never forget that. My email is also always available if you feel more comfortable there, just message me for it and I will give it to you. Everyone of you is beautiful, valid and loved. I hope you never forget that, I know it can be hard sometimes but you will get up again.241Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6LgM9jtr7P
~ Destine ❣️
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