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I always wonder how people would react if they knew who I am and what I have done. Even if I had money flowing directly from heaven, would it be forgivable? Will they look at me the same? Needless to say, I wouldn’t have. 284Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡT4f1PtlCv9
Humans are defined by what they do and what they have done. You do not get redemption. I believe this because I still haven’t changed.
It’s been almost 2 years since the fiasco went down and each day just gets me thinking ‘would you be at peace if you spend your whole life with me? Or would you want to leave the second I fuck up again?’ and in all honesty, I would not blame you for leaving. You deserve peace, not screaming your lungs out each week. I am not pitying myself and not blaming myself either, but sometimes I cannot help but blame myself. I ruined your life singlehandedly, I destroyed every shed of it, I deprived you of sleep for nights and nights and nights and yet you stayed.
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When rumours fly people do not see who the person has been and if they have saved a thousand lives by sacrificing themselves in a fire; all they see is a disgrace who is characterless, a person who lacks moral ethics. It sucks because all your life you try to fit in and one day it all comes down to you never fitting at all. I would like to change it all in a heartbeat. I would like to change myself, but not sure if that is possible now.
All these thoughts circling my head like wildfire; thinking about you and her and your best friend, thinking about all my past lovers and how in my dreams I do not tell them about you, thinking about how I would kill for you in a heartbeat yet cannot believe I am so deep in love that it makes me gag. I hate feeling like this, 2019 I would’ve self-sabotaged myself (which I did) but right now I only want you, and I want things to be alright again.
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