Have you ever had those moments in life where you sit down and think back to the first real memory you ever had. Not the ones that you look at a picture or read a journal entry and think "Oh I remember that day". I am talking about the first memory ever. Where you can go "I remember that, I remember it was cold and I was blah blah." You will have those over achievers that when you ask them the first thing will be "I remember my mothers womb" yeah whatever you dork. I am sure there are some that truly do remember that. Highly unlikely, but who am I to say they don't. Any who back to the subject at hand. Now to me and to most people who aren't scientist, over analyzers, or conspiracy theorist who think memories are planted in our head by aliens, memories are how we are perceiving the world around us at the time of the occurrence. How I perceive the same activity is going to be different to how others perceived it. For instance, the one memory almost everyone remembers no mater how long its been is your first true kiss. I don't mean the first kiss you had in 2nd grade with the girl in your class while sitting in one of those concrete tubes we used to have on the playground. Remembering her blonde hair and her extra long fingernails. I mean the first one that you had after falling in love with someone. That moment when you look into her/his eyes and you move for that kiss and sure you have kissed before but you know just as your lips touch that this time its special, its different.
I remember the first one I had with my now wife. It was the morning after our first date. Which was when we had held hands the first time. I remember as she slept on my arm that night and I was watching her sleep, how peaceful and serene she looked. As I was looking at her I would start to daydream about my future with her. How many kids will we have, where are we living, do we have a dog? As these daydreams flooded me, I realized that this woman whom I had only talked to a handful of times and only been on one date with, would be my wife someday, I just had to make her fall in love with me. I didn't know that she was already in love with me. When she finally woke, which was perfect timing cause I really had to pee, I remember her eyes as she opened them. They were the brightest green I had ever seen and they sparkled in the morning sunlight that was peeking through the window. As I saw her there and her eyes locked into mine, there was a thing that happened. It's almost as though we were yelling to the world "I love you!" but only we could understand the language as it was being said. That no one else in the world knew what we knew or felt how we felt at that moment. I decided that this morning would be my defining moment in our future. This first morning kiss could determine us. So as she stirred I said "Good morning beautiful". She smiled and looked up at me and there was something about how she was looking at me. As I moved into closer to her never letting my eyes leave hers, I remember closing my eyes just as our lips touched because I wanted to focus on everything around me at this moment. The temperature in the room, the moisture of her lips, the sounds of whatever was outside. I had not had a lot of experience with women, actually I could count on one hand how many girlfriends I had to that point. I remember concentrating on the pressure I put on her lips, and to not use this moment as a make out session but rather to make her feel my love for her. To make it special for her, not me. I just knew I had to make her remember this time as her last first kiss ever.
Apparently it worked cause she is still my wife after 25 years. Now there is a lot more to this story that I have told you to this point, maybe I will get into it later but for now let's just be patient. I know that a lot of people will think that story is completely fabricated and it didn't happen that way. See that's the funny thing about memories. They are mine and mine alone. It does not even remotely matter what you think of that memory of mine. Sure I will concede to the fact that her hair may have looked like she stuck her finger in a light socket. To me it was perfect. Her eyes may have been darker than the back side of the moon. To me they were the same color as the emerald that sits on her wedding band. That is my memory, my moment, my realization. That cannot be taken away. It cannot be changed for me.
When me and my wife first met, I was a fresh graduated from high school little naïve moron that thought he had the world figured out. Well reality was I was a part time electronics department cashier that didn't have a pot to piss in much less two pennies to rub together. Living with mom and dad helped sure but I was definitely not an independent liberated adult. I was a snot nose kid thinking he was a billy badass cause he had his own money. What I am about to write about I do not think I have even ever told my wife this part. The first time I ever saw my wife, not talked to but just saw. I was working in electronics doing my thing. At the entrance to the department, there was a long main aisle that stretched all the way down to the back end of the store. As I was just kinda staring off into space down this aisle, I saw her. She was beautiful, she had this not quite red but not quite brown hair (I later learned its called auburn). She had this little upturned nose that made her seem stuck up but humble at the same time. That smile though, wow it was like nothing I had seen before. Have you ever seen those love story movies where the guy sees his love interest for the first time and as she is walking towards him all the sudden wind starts up to blow her hair a perfect way and everything slows down and he is just staring almost drooling. That is almost how I felt when I saw her first. I could not focus on anything else. I am pretty sure my mouth was open and I was just staring. I don't know if she saw me that day cause she turned down an aisle before she got close to me, she was talking with one of our managers then so I think she may have been on like orientation or something.
I didn't see her again for awhile after that. When I did, I was heading to the break room which went right by the front line cashiers where she worked. Next to the door heading upstairs to the break room there was a little room where the people that put up our sale signs and such was, I forget what they called it. I remember I stood there just watching her. I know it was a little creepy and if she had seen me googling (not the search engine) her, I may have never gotten a date with her. Luckily a coworker shook me out of my trance. Before heading upstairs I took one final look at her and as I did, she looked my way. I quickly ducked inside cause I didn't want to make her feel uncomfortable. I don't know if she ever noticed me that day, if she did she has never mentioned it. One thing you may not understand is at this point in time in my life, I was shy and awkward around women especially pretty women. I had no courage to talk to her. It was a scary prospect. I had been hurt so badly by all these girls I had dated before, I was tired of being hurt. She was always on my mind, even though I did not know her name I had to figure it out. I would look at the schedule for the cashiers almost everyday just to try to figure out ok I know her and her and not her could this be her name based on who was working at the time and who wasn't etc. I never did figure out her name that way. Looking back I should have just asked someone who worked with her but they were all women and well, read above, women scared me, a lot.
We did not work together a whole lot a couple times here and there before fate would have it that I would be given an opportunity to actually be able to be brave enough to ask her her damn name. I did not even know she was working this day and had I known, I prolly would not have went to break when I did. As I was heading to the break room, I looked for her at the registers and she was not there which kind of made me sad cause I hadn't seen her for awhile. Now I know a lot of you reading might seem like this is stalkery, it wasn't like that. I didn't have a little shrine in my closet about her were I had fingernail clippings from her and things like that no. It was a "I'm really attracted to her and I really want to ask her out but I will only be rejected so I am not gonna try". At this point I was resolved to make sure everything I did was to make her happy, even though she didn't know who I was or that I wanted so badly to talk to her. Any who back to the story at hand. So I was walking up to the break room and as I open the door, Oh my God there she is, she is just sitting there all by herself it is only me and her in the room. I remember I wanted to run out of the room before she saw me. It was too late as she heard the door open she looks right at me oh man I wanted to run I was so scared. Then she smiled at me and said the the first words to me, "Hi". Now I of course had heard her voice over the intercom or as she was talking to customers, but she said this to me. She spoke to ME. I do not remember if I said anything at that moment or not I was to concerned with not running away to remember. I surely hope I played it off as a little more confident than a scared little boy standing by the door completely terrified. Then, all of the sudden a huge feeling of confidence came over me. I do not still to this day know where it came from. I strode over to the table she was sitting at and without missing a beat asked if I could sit next to her even though the entire break room was empty. "Of course" being her response.
What happened next is kind of a weird series of events that I truly believe had not happened exactly this way, things may have gone a lot differently. As I was sitting down I noticed a bruise on her upper left arm. I don't remember telling her my name before I asked her about that bruise that day. I just remember wanting to kill anyone who would hurt this fine angel. See the bruise was a perfect hand print, there was absolutely no denying where it had come from. I had been raised to never ever ever lay a hand on a woman in a aggressive way, so to me this was one of the worst things to do to someone you cared about. We made about 30 seconds of small talk before I finally just sprang and asked "So looks like you had a nasty fall there". This part is the interesting part. I remember her looking at me deep into my eyes like she was studying me, trying to figure out my motives. She very easily could have said it was from a fall and I would not have pried further. After staring at me for what seemed like hours, which I didn't mind cause I was with her talking to her, she told me the truth. I will not go into that issue but lets just say I was angry, very angry. At this point I was 6' 4" 285 pounds fresh out of high school so I was built like a brick shit house. I hadn't been in a lot of confrontations, but I could handle myself if need be. I knew that anyone that would hurt such a beautiful creature was nothing more than a worthless piece of crap anyways. After she told me the story, I told her she needed to take that engagement ring off her finger throw it in his face tell him to dust off and then come find me and ill treat her right. When that came out of my mouth I was completely shocked. I do not even to this day know where or how I got the courage to say those words. I do remember her looking at me funny that day. Later I would find out that she said that was the moment she fell in love with me.
Fast forward a couple weeks, I had not seen her at the store at all. I knew she was still around because now that I knew her name I could tell she was still working just our schedules never ever meshed. I had not seen her though and worried that my encouragement to have her get rid of that asshole may have gotten her hurt. He was already violent towards her, could my telling her to do that have hurt her badly. I could not get her off my mind. Then finally as fate would have it, there she was. I had been in love before, well puppy preteen love anyways, not true love. She was sitting in the same exact chair as where she was when we talked a couple weeks prior. I was so happy to see her well and not bruised up or beaten. She turned to the door and saw me and I will never forget that look on her face as she kicks the chair from underneath her and runs to me to hug me. This moment still brings a tear to my eye every time I think about it. When her arms hit my chest and her body sank into mine, I was in bliss. "Thank you" she says and she is squeezing me so tight I could barely breath but I didn't pull away and just let her hold me. I wanted so badly to wrap my arms around her and smother her and protect her. Instead I just did a gentle pat and said "Your welcome, .... for what?" Of course, I knew exactly what she was talking about, I just didn't want her to leave my arms so I would say anything to keep her there. She told me how I had given her the courage to leave that punk, she had done what I had said. That night after our original talk she took that ring off threw it at him and then ran like hell. Luckily he never got ahold of her cause he prolly woulda killed her had he caught her.
Now a lot of you may not believe in fate or what ever you may call it. I do. You see this day of our first hug was the first time that ALL of our breaks and our lunch matched at same time. We had a chance to be with each other. Up to that point it was the best day of my life, (my daughter's birth eclipses this) the day I asked her out. Which she rejected me. She had to do laundry. I had finally after months and months gotten the courage to ask her out and I was shot down. I was absolutely devastated and embarrassed. Now to this point we had spent most of the day together every chance I had I was going to the front for this or that and would smile and say hi when I walked by. She was continually going to electronics for this or that. I prolly put in 50,000 steps that day. When I did finally asked her out it was after work and we were in the parking lot waiting for our rides. When she said no, I was hurt and I am sure she saw that and she swore up and down she wanted to go out with me but she only had one day to do laundry and it just happened to be that day. I will not go into private matter but she said something else to me that day that not many people know. She opened up to me about something that really didn't make a lot of sense why she told me at that moment. Of course it was because she totally trusted me at that point and later would say she didn't feel like hiding anything from me.
So to make a longer story much shorter, I will skip all the stuff in the middle before we finally got to go on a date. Lets just say that it was about a week before we were able to mash it all out. Now bare in mind I had been planning a date for some time. I was gonna wine and dine her at a fancy smanshy place and let her get lobster and an expensive bottle of wine whatever she wanted, price was not an option. Well remember I had said I worked at Shopko part time. Well so all I could afford was McDonald's. When I picked her up, I was so nervous. First off, I was at her house prolly an hour or more before our date just sitting in the parking lot next to her house. I smelt like a French prostitute I had so much cologne on. It was needed cause I was sweating like a stuck pig. This was before cell phones and such so there was no texting her telling her oh I'm already here or anything. I would have had to go to the door, knock and possibly see her family. That was not happening. Now I did not know that at this time she didn't live with her family she had a room mate in an apartment. I didn't know, had I known I woulda knocked, oh who am I kidding I was too scared I wouldn't have knocked early.
So the time has come for me to walk to the door and get my date for the night. I get to the door and knock so lightly because I was worried I might wake someone up, dumbass. I had to knock three times before I was loud enough and I finally heard the "Be right there". Then she opened the door. What a sight to behold. I had only seen her in a red shirt and khakis to this point and honestly I don't remember what she was wearing even to this day, it's been a minute. I was just so taken in by her. She was absolutely beautiful. I remember thinking why would a woman as perfect as her want anything to do with me. What could I offer her that someone else could do more or better. I mean for crying out loud I am taking her to McDonald's for our first date, what a loser. But I was determined, stubborn maybe, to make this a perfect night. I don't remember if I actually told her where we were going that night, if I had she never let on it bothered her. I sometimes wonder what she might have been thinking when I pulled into that McDonald's. She has always said it was the best first date she ever had. I knew exactly how much money I had to spend and it was not much let me tell you. I let her order first so I knew how much to spend on myself without ordering to much. I told her to order whatever she wanted and not to worry. I am pretty sure she had me figured out at that point and she said "I like the dollar menu stuff". What a relief cause I hadn't eaten all day cause of the nerves of the date and I wasn't sure after she ordered I'd be able to get much more than an apple pie.
The rest of the night consisted of us talking and just falling in love with each other. Up to this point we had not kissed, held hands, or anything physical. I wanted to so badly, I remember wanting to just touch her hand, give a hug, accidentally bump into her. Hell I was just waiting for her to have a speck of food on her chin I could wipe off like they did in the movies. Anything that could give me reason to be closer to her. She told me later she had the same urge. It's funny looking back now to know that we were already in love with each other yet to scared to "move to fast" to scare the other away. Life is funny that way. To us this day would be our defining moment for our entire lives moving forward.
After our meal, we went back to her apartment and we decided to go for a walk. About 5 blocks away or so was a 7-11 so we decided to go for a walk and talk. All the way to the store I so wanted to hold her hand but so scared of rejection. See my other girlfriends would not let me hold their hands or anything in public. I kinda just thought it was a normal thing. Something happened on the way back that is almost unexplainable. After 7-11 and heading back towards the apartment we are just walking side by side and a bus stop bench on the side of the road was coming towards us. Me thinking "I'm gonna show off a bit" so I jumped on the bench walked across the bench and leaped off the end (I know not spectacular). Mind you my wife is 5' 2" (5'4" with shoes on) so as I jumped down off the bench, she was right next to me. Well when I landed I kind of lost my footing and dipped way further than I should have. As I did our hands touched and when they did she grabbed hold. Every time I think of that moment I cry and actually am now writing this. I remember saying "I'm sorry". I tried to release her hand from mine but she would not let go. She looks at me and asked why. I told her cause I am holding your hand in public. The look on her face puzzled me and I could feel her hold my hand a little tighter. She wasn't letting go. She WANTED me to hold her hand and didn't care who knew. She never let go and she has never cared.
The rest of the night was just us talking and holding each other. To me it was the perfect evening. I have described above about the last first kiss. I was going to leave it at that as a speech I was going to read for my wife on her birthday. I just couldn't stop writing I felt as though I had to tell the world our story. I don't know if it was to let everyone know how much I love this woman with every bone and cell in my body or if by people reading this maybe I will be able to see if we are the only ones that have this. I would truly hope not. I would hope others have felt the way I have. I don't know maybe no one will ever read this story but if you do remember no matter what there is someone who loves you. They just may be in the shadows to scared to tell you. Look for the little signs to tell you how they feel. Pay attention to the look in their eyes. Even if you don't think they feel the same way, leap off that bench my friends. You never know what might be holding you back when you land.
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