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「錯過了的十七歲，重返就沒有遺憾幺？」245Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPGu6WD830r
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二零二一年，孟冬。245Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6jiuvDKY6o
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冬日的暖陽是蒼空收藏已久的奢侈品，像一顆晶瑩剔透的黃寶石，美化了冬風的猖狂與凜冽。月台邊形形色色的旅客熙來攘往，火車鳴笛，伴隨著沒有溫度的廣播。245Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnTaW5xi1jo
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我踏上了返鄉列車。245Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjvCvUARmr9
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回家的路對於在外打拼的青年來說是令人感動的， 但對於我來說其實還挺感傷，我懷念家門前的小白花，中學操場上的紅土，公園小溪裡的錦鯉，還有與我相視而笑的少年。245Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVwVaEqNa15
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但是每每想起，要把那段傷心往事再走一遍。245Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZvnIkw52uY
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外頭的景色隨車廂行駛裁剪成數幀快速飛逝的剪影，我盯著窗外發呆，沒注意到有人在我身旁的位子坐下。245Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnbcDWYlQWq
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「墨染？」245Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzdzFrl9rx2
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玻璃窗的反射映出他的輪廓有些模糊，我晃眼過去，對於他的意外出現很是驚訝。245Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRwwnGGJSMW
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「好久不見，很巧啊。你也要回家嗎？」245Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzMNK7SGEmi
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他笑得雲淡風輕，彷彿我們分開的日子只有四天而不是四年，彷彿高中消磨的歲月不過是浮光掠影。245Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZoltQ5sWeW
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「嗯。」245Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡA4WJtbRBZy
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他有種說不上的改變，不是面容上，而是神態上的改變。那讓我有些不知所措的安心，望進他的深邃的眼就像撥開記憶湖面上紛繁的落葉，我還是無法忘卻令我傷心欲絕的少年。245Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuNof7Fpb2D
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二零一七年，仲秋245Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuRUTpyR1tw
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人們總說青春是人生中最難忘的年華，十七歲的我們卻被埋在考卷堆裡，日復一日重複著同樣的生活。245Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡk7MSL5yyN0
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墨染是無聊校園生活裡唯一的光，他笑起來像秋風一樣爽朗而舒適，說話時如同夕陽餘暉般迷人。我一直暗戀著他，上課的樂趣就是偷看他寫筆記的樣子，犯睏的樣子，和朋友聊天的樣子，打球的樣子，我幾乎把青春全部的目光都留給了他。245Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡoXQDsliwZh
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真正熟識的契機是期中後換位子，他成為我的同桌，墨染像一般高中男生一樣會幼稚地捉弄我， 惹怒我，我卻不覺得討厭，可能戀愛的時候他不管做什麼我都喜歡吧。245Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzvG7KPClnt
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每當他又讓我氣想揍他兩拳時，他總會把臉凑近，伸手揉揉我的頭，漾起爽朗笑意。原本停在空中的手就會瞬間失去力氣，臉頰不受控地泛起紅暈，羞澀地撇開視線。245Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyq5q6w1tXt
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有一次我數學考試不合格被老師留下來補考，回過神來發現教室只剩我隻身一人。天色已晚，黑漆漆的走廊陰森得嚇人，我僵在位子上不敢亂動，走也不是，留也不是，急得快要哭出來。245Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjGAjQ3fTvJ
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「傻瓜，怕黑還不快走。」245Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYU5y8ERRdm
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聽見少年的聲音如同救贖，墨染插著口袋站在門前，走進來拎起我的書包，牽住我的手，一言不發地拉著我往外走。245Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpWUGRwa0qa
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霎那間心跳整個亂了節奏，我看見他背後衣領上露出的一小截後頸染成粉色，差點忍不住想上前擁抱他的衝動。那是第一次的皮膚接觸，就算彼此體溫都熱得發燙也捨不得鬆開。245Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSwQHQoQ9Df
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「你怎麼還在學校？偷偷等我喔？」245Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjLiODYK6IA
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暗黃街燈下把我們的影子拉得斜長，他的制服外套批在我身上，薄薄一件卻讓我全身充滿暖流般溫暖。245Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8baq3B4nUI
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我們肩並肩，輕輕試探。245Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡW8Or7Hcgzf
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「小自戀，我只是練球練比較晚而已。」245Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡspyToBwWFn
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他開玩笑地把書包丢給我，露出嫌棄的表情。街燈下，我分明看見，他微紅的耳廓，與淺藏不住的笑意。245Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuQsOk8MGh7
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那天以後，就算沒有補考，他也依舊在校門口等我一起回家。245Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXjrLL4NBeh
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我其實不太清楚曖昧的確切時間，那一陣子，就算換了位置也不影響彼此的喜歡，回家後無論大小事都會傳訊息分享給彼此，講電話講到手機發燙是家常便飯。245Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡq5qaMAbh9h
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我們會在操場上的梧桐樹下偷偷牽手，公園裏約會，家門前依依不捨的分別。那幾個月就像是我生命之河裡的金沙帶，幸福得難以忘懷。245Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6RaIY00byd
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「欸，剛剛隔壁班男生跟我要電話。」245Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQ5k9wAJkrP
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「你給他啊，幹嘛跟我說？」245Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0Lyj8MjIJ2
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「你都不會吃醋一下喔？」245Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmsbDCRCVFT
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「我們又沒在一起，幹嘛吃醋？」245Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkgWcp4IJ2h
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本來只是無聊的日常對話，我卻對他沒所謂的態度感到不滿，雖然知道他是無心的，但在感情裡人總是會把一些小事無限放大，誤解後陷進自己的胡思亂想。245Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRPTc6ixd3o
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十七歲第一次談戀愛的我哪懂這些呢？我只是要他霸氣地搶過手機，把那人的號碼刪除，滿足我貪婪的虛榮心。245Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtNgzT4H2Ad
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為了賭氣，我故意不主動傳訊息，他打電話給我也不接，直到隔天早上，好像這樣就能讓自己好過一點。245Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFXhSZI4mFD
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那時我還不知道，那通電話是我後悔一輩子也無法接起的遺憾，是青春急轉直下的催淚點。245Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡloPlksGPeK
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那天以後，我們傳訊息的頻率變少了，連電話也不太講，一開始以為他只是找了打工太忙碌而沒有時間，後來發現他在學校也有意無意的避開我，讓我有些不安。245Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWjKyog3R3w
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其他人打趣的問起我們什麼時候要交往的時候，我只是笑笑帶過，一邊觀察著他的反應。墨染也淺淺的笑了，我卻分不清他是因為覺得害羞而難為情而笑的，還是只是因為那句話很可笑所以笑的。245Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvLsFJ3zvwe
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「你還好嗎？感覺我們好久沒說話了。」245Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7EkutP4DNy
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「沒事啊。」245Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEFrA8dSgs7
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「你確定嗎？如果你不開心真的不要憋在心裡，什麼都可以跟我說。」245Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡskQdBvNUqj
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「真的啦，我沒事，不用擔心。」245Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAU3RW03JBc
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這是我們聊天紀錄裡最後的對話紀錄，不知何時開始，我和他講話變得小心翼翼，害怕他看我的眼神，有時他對我說話的語氣冷漠使我顫抖，又會在我快掉落懸崖的時候牽起我的手，把我拉回來。這樣曖昧不明的關係使我失去安全感，從前喜歡的那個美好少年，如今只能從記憶庫裡尋找有他的畫面，靠著曾經的回憶才能繼續喜歡著他。245Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKf69qt72mI
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我知道，再這樣拖下去我們遲早會走散，於是我下定決心，在他生日當天跟他表白。由於他說他那天要打工，沒有過生日的打算，所以我策劃了一場驚喜給他，除了研究很久終於出來的手工蛋糕，還有精心準備的生日禮物，只要我別把告白搞砸，我相信這絕對是一場難忘的回憶。245Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡM3YKBURhru
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晚上十點，在墨染下班之際，我早早備好蛋糕與禮物，藏在他家門口的轉角。245Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtGIoXAJ7ss
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聽見腳步聲漸漸靠近，我輕輕探頭，深怕他會提前發現我，卻看見另一個女生走在他身邊。245Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPVRtHlbzYl
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他們停在街燈下，太遠的距離使我聽不見他們的對話。我安慰著自己，那只是正好順路的朋友或同事罷了，沒什麼大不了的，沒什麼。245Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡp83ypRWd8q
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當燈光閃爍的霎那，還來不及說服自己，我卻看見女孩墊起腳尖，吻上墨染的唇。245Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5bnpSbpcZq
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那瞬間，手中的蛋糕隨著眼淚滑落到地上，彷彿世界上所有的痛都朝我襲來。245Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5CBzeALQNe
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我看不下去，我怕我再多待一秒就會死，偏偏腳使不出力道，只好緊緊閉上眼睛。245Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSkO936Xpb9
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或許是本能驅使我遠離可能危害生命的地方，我是無意識地自己走回家，像靈魂出竅一樣。手機在口袋裡響個不停，連關掉的力氣都沒有。好吵，腦袋裡的聲音快要衝破耳膜，像要將我吞入萬劫不復的 悲傷當中，我的眼睛仍在發燒。245Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5ILjmU9kgK
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那是第一次感受到絕望，痛苦、心碎同時發生。245Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTMKhPGKoIc
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那天以後我就沒見過墨染了，每天被低氣壓籠罩著，眼睛像是開關壞掉的水龍頭，總是沒來由地哭。我的家人不知道我發生什麼事，只知道我不想去學校，因此幫我辦了轉學。245Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡl6h5Kb7tmS
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失戀這件事對別人來說可能是件無傷大雅的小事， 但對我來說卻是至今無法忘懷的沈痛。那一段日子裡我幾乎是掏出全部的自己去愛他，所以失去時才會如此痛徹心扉。四年過去了，回憶經過時間的療傷漸漸淡化，我依然無法走出來，只好把他藏進潘朵拉的盒子裡，只要不打開，就不會嚐到熏眼的刺痛。245Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbx96ng5NV1
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回到二零二一年，火車駛進隧道，連同彼此的寂靜無聲駛進深處，我們沒有向彼此搭話，我知道不管說什麼都不合適，我們注定無法再有任何交集。245Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxPbVWMTIJX
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「對不起。」245Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnLxTc0QpnR
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他還是說了，那句老套卻必要的道歉。245Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQavnP8wyW2
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其實我們都不能怪罪誰，只怪那時候的自己太年輕，不知道該怎麼留住對方，使彼此的距離漸行漸遠。245Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0GnJVPR7m0
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我沒有接起的那通電話，是他被媽媽徹底拋棄的那一晚。他是個缺愛的小孩，活在只有父母爭吵的童年裡，失去該有的疼愛，長大後再怎麼填也填不滿。245Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhM8gKPTByo
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那晚他媽媽受不了經濟壓力要將他棄養，童年的創傷被再次挖開，我卻因為賭氣卻忽略了他忽需安慰的缺口。那時候他便不再相信我的愛，把重心移轉到另一個同桌的女同學，試著讓她愛上自己。他的確成功了，所以生日那天她才會情不自禁親吻他。當他發現他想要的不是這種愛時，已經太遲了，我走了，那些傳不出去的訊息在對話框裡像他填不滿的孤寂，無處安放的空虛至今依然塵埃未定。245Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡM93I5L89Mv
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這些遭遇我後來都知道了，那又如何呢？傷害已經造成，我們只是在同個曖昧不明的地方交匯，到了夜晚還是個自墮落。要是那天我有接起他的電話，要是那時他誠實一點，向我說出心裡話，我們的結局是否會不一樣？245Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOCBdKQCE0a
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我永遠不會知道，但我清楚明白我們已經不是那個 能夠用全力去愛，單純又青春的十七歲的自己了。245Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0WHWotpa2H
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「沒事，以前的事就讓它過去吧。」245Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡo5UvffjkiG
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我只敢透過玻璃折射看他的眼睛，我怕我又不小心跌進回憶裡。245Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡiU2H5XCdbo
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「我知道我這樣很自私，但這四年以來，我沒有一刻忘記妳，只有妳的愛能滋潤我的悲傷，我需要妳。」245Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbmqDIiWor7
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我又何嘗不是呢？也只有他能讓我傷心絕透。245Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZO7y8sBPLi
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他見我低下頭不語，便試著牽起我的手，把他的手覆在我之上。245Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgSOIiIOu2n
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「我知道我給過妳傷害，我理解你不想與我有任何交集，但這四年我改變了，如果妳願意再給我一次機會，我會好好愛你。」245Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4JhEhgPZPx
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「我們……還有機會從來嗎？」245Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2udPRhMXCR
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我抽開他覆上的手。245Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6NW4owmMqz
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「夠了，墨染，我們已經錯過了。」245Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTtkIfOM5Qh
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抬起頭的瞬間，我知道我的水龍頭又壞了。他看見我佈滿血絲的雙眼，有些詫異。245Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡy0zGF864fo
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「你知道嗎，命運在一生中只有一次義無反顧的機會，四年前我們就已經錯過了。我們早就失去能夠為愛叛逆的勇氣，再回頭剩下的只有狼狽。」245Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1VaUZzYWC4
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「離開你的一分一秒對我來說都是殘酷至極的折磨，我害怕再回到我們居住過的城市，害怕觸景傷情，害怕又夢見你。我知道，重新擁有過後，我也只會害怕再次失去的痛苦，終日活在不安裡。最好的結局，就是放過彼此，過好自己的生活。」245Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVzeBFSpPgC
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「我們都別再浪費彼此的時間好嗎？」245Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzzNzChdRSD
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他沉默，終點站即將到達。245Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ31AJKFYPfY
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下車時，我向他禮貌性的點頭道別，他也向我點頭，眼裡盛滿了十七歲那年的濃濃秋意。245Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFN2QnmIuHI
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我們都帶著寂寞和遺憾走下不再回頭的列車，終將背朝著彼此，向回憶告別，邁向新的旅程。245Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCUjmIrhUVZ
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「這輩子就陪你到這了。」245Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjstfw6qeSE
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