It had been five days since the incident at the ball, and my father had refused to talk to me. He barely even looked at me, but when he did, it was nothing but disappointment.
After everything, I still could not remember who it was that I had danced with that evening. The only thing I could remember was how vigorous it had felt, which I could not shake away.
If I could forget it, I would. How could I think when it feels like that?
Jackson approached me and said, "Nathaniel Hughes is going to ask you to court him."
I felt shocked by his statement, wondering if it was another one of his cruel jokes. "He is."
"After that ignorant display you put on, you should be thrilled that Father has spoken to Lawrence Hughes, who in turn has convinced Nathaniel to reconsider you as an option."
"Why would a father go out of his way to do that?" I asked.
Jackson took a seat opposite of me. "Because he has realized that the best thing for someone like you and this family is an arranged marriage."
"I have no say in this." It was to be expected, but still, it was disappointing to fully realize.
Jackson scoffed: "Everyone who would consider you saw you dance with that man in a way that was not appropriate, and now you are lucky that Nathaniel is willing to look past that."
I shook my head, saying, "I assure you that I am grateful, but I did not mean for that dance to happen."
"It did happen though. "Father is a powerful man, and we are all lucky that Nathaniel wants to be like him one day and is willing to sacrifice whatever is needed to get there."
"And that means I am the thing being sacrificed?" I looked down, feeling like I was officially a part of a business deal. "Are Nathaniel and I getting married then?"
"Not quite yet," he stated. "You two will be courting, and depending on how it goes, it will be decided by Nathaniel." After all, he still needs to decide whether or not you are worthy enough to be his wife.
I quickly stood, trying to ignore the beating in my chest as he said such a thing as "I will do everything necessary to make this right." "I can prove to my father that what happened at the ball was only a small mistake; it will never happen again."
He watched me as he stood, saying, "Perhaps there is hope for you after all."
If Nathaniel was willing to consider marrying me, then I owed it to my parents to do whatever was possible to be Nathaniel's wife.
Jackson looked back at me as he started walking away. "And father requests to speak to you at once."
Nerves traveled up my body like goosebumps as I feared what he would have to say to me after days of nothing but scowls.
As I approached his study, I lightly knocked as I watched him from the doorway. Whenever he was in his study, he always appeared more tense than usual. As a child, I used to believe he was tense because of work, and once he retreated to his study, he would relax.
As it would turn out, he was that way in general. Work had nothing to do with it. He made eye contact with me, making it feel as though hours were passing before he would finally speak to me: "Do not stand there; I do not have all day." He placed his documents on the desk. "Make sure to close the door."
As soon as I closed the door, I sat down, not wanting to make him wait anymore. I stared at the bookshelf behind him, mimicking eye contact with him. If I were to look directly at him, I would become just as tense as he was.
"I certainly hope you have taken this time to realize the wrong you have caused for our family," he started, clearing his throat.
"Yes, Father," I whispered, resisting the urge to look down.
He let out a frustrated sigh "Though I have taught you to know your place in the presence of a man, you know how much I despise talking under your breath. Speak up"
I nodded "I am sorry, father"
There was a large pause before he started talking to me once again, making the moment feel even more suffocating.
"Nathaniel Hughes and his father have spoken with me over the last few days. We discussed the possibility of him taking your hand in marriage" he spoke, holding up on of the documents "His family is just as wealthy as ours, and I could not have hoped for a better match" he paused "However, after the scene you caused I cannot help but wonder if he is too good a man for you"
I finally made eye contact with him, and his eyes told me that he knew I had not been looking at him. A father should want the very best for his daughter, correct?
"Nathaniel comes from a respectable family, also like ours; there are certain things that must be upheld" he stood, walking around the desk, and choosing to stand behind me. His hand gripped my shoulder tightly "I worry about you, Cordelia. I worry about you more than a father should"
Having him stand behind me felt as though the most uncomfortable shadow was looming over me. Though he already towered over me, he was making me smaller than usual.
"Father"
"I am not done," he squeezed harder.
"A wife has responsibilities, and you have a decent dowry that any man would be lucky to receive." I am treating this marriage as though it were an investment. "You will marry Nathaniel, and you will obey him," he said, rising from the side of my chair and keeping his hand on my shoulder as he stared down at me. deciding my worth, just as Nathaniel had. I did not like him staring down at me in such a way.
"I will not stand to watch you drag our name through the dirt because you do not know how to behave." Your actions should not reflect on our family, but unfortunately they do," he finally moved his hand under my chin, letting it rest in his palm while his thumb ran over my cheek, "I thought that I raised you better."
He wanted me to feel bad about what happened, and he certainly would achieve it. I did behave poorly. It was even worse than I could imagine because it was in a public setting. It was wrong, and I should have known better.
I will never forget the shame that I felt. His reaction would always be with me. I caused this. Marrying Nathaniel would fix the situation. Even if I did not love him, it did not mean I could not learn to. I would prove to my father that I was not a poor investment. A mistake.
"What I did should not be reflected back to you or our family." I know it was, though, and I cannot apologize enough. I took a deep, shaky breath as he finally pulled his hand away. "I want to make you proud, father." "No matter how, I promise that I will."
He gave a small nod, returning to his chair and watching me as he sat back down. "I do not want to lecture you on how to behave." That is not my job, and I should not have to take time out of my life to adjust your troubled behavior. "Do you understand?"
I nodded, "Absolutely, father." I promise to be better.
"I hope this is the only time I have to stress just how important this marriage is," he continued, eyeing me up and down. "Just as you deserve a respectable husband, he deserves an obedient wife." "One who will give him everything that he wants."
Giving Nathaniel everything he wanted should come with ease, but it made me unsettled. It did not matter though, because I would give him anything if it meant my parents would no longer feel the shame that I have brought them.
"Before he has the chance to change his mind, I would like to get this marriage going and have it dealt with sooner rather than later." As soon as people see that you are married to Nathaniel, they will no longer associate you with concern. It would leave us with relief.
I wanted to ask if what I did truly caused such a stir, but I knew that it was best to accept what happened through my father's eyes rather than rely on what I did remember. and there was very little of that. My eyes began to water, and I quickly looked down, not wanting to disturb him with my emotions. He would only get upset that I was reacting strongly.
"Despite everything, you are still my daughter, and until you have given me a reason, I will make sure you get the best that can be offered," he said, pausing to process his thoughts. "Despite how little there is for you at this particular moment," he added.
I knew he meant that in a good way; he had to. It did not change how much it hurt to hear him speak those words, though.
He took a deep breath, settling into his seat, and said, "Nathaniel will be joining us for afternoon tea." I insist that you look your best and present yourself in a better way than his last memory of you. He should not have to lay eyes on you that way again.
"I will look my best." "I promise," I answered, more than ready to leave this space.
"You may excuse yourself," he said, turning immediately back to his work.
I slowly stood, walking out of his study, wanting nothing more than to cry over the shame my incident had brought to my family. The fact that I even allowed such a thing to happen only speaks poorly of me, and they should not suffer the blow.
My fears of being the odd one out were more prominent than ever. Though I did not know what happened, even I knew that it could never happen again. I needed to be the woman that my family needed and expected me to be, even if I did not know who she was yet. I must show Nathaniel that I am worthy and, more importantly, that I am the daughter my parents deserve.
If I ever feel as though I am straying away, I will only have to remind myself that my parents deserve better. I would remind myself consistently until a change is made.
"Cordelia, join me in your room," my mother ordered from the stairs. "Your father has requested that I help you prepare for tea this afternoon."
I slowly followed her, realizing that he had told her to wait for me once I exited his study. She certainly shared the same shame that he did. Each step became increasingly difficult to take until I was at the top, unable to move for a moment as I felt the weight of his words finally hit me.
They had been scattered throughout, but here they were all together. I could feel it. I deserve to feel this way.
Mother grabbed my hand, pulling me towards my room. "When I arranged for you to have a new wardrobe for the season, I made sure everything was up to style." She took out another pale dress, with more lace than I had ever seen. "It is not what I grew up wearing, but if the lace is good enough for our queen, then it is suitable for you."
I took the fabric, feeling it between my fingers. "I have never seen clothing look quite so dainty before."
"They are becoming more popular to wear in homes." "You will not even have to wear a corset with it," she said, smiling as she stared at it. The reminiscent look was present in her eyes once again.
"Do you believe Nathaniel will like it?" I asked.
"Your father and I want him to view you as soft and delicate." "We do not want him to worry about you possibly acting out again, especially since you were not raised to act as such."
There it was again. I was not raised to be this way. What was wrong with me then? This was not their fault, but something was wrong with me nonetheless.
I took a seat at my mirror and said, "I am terribly sorry for embarrassing you that night."
She began pinning my hair up. "I understand that things are changing all around you, but that does not excuse your actions." We discussed the rules of etiquette more than once, and you knew that you were not permitted to talk across the room without an escort. And yet, you did it. "We all saw it; everyone did."
I looked down, only for her to roughly lift my head back up. "I know that I acted poorly."
"You must never do anything so reckless again."
I gave a small nod and said, "Yes, mother."
My gaze went to the dress hanging up, wondering if it would be good enough to make Nathaniel want to marry me. I come from a good family with a strong name. Then why was all of this proving difficult for me?
This was not the way it was supposed to go, at least according to my mother and her experiences.
"Cordelia, come," she said, moving toward the dress.
I stayed focusing on it in the mirror a moment longer, feeling that weight once again as the silence became louder.
"Cordelia," my mother repeated.
I stood, saying, "I am ready, mother."
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