Before I realized what I had unleashed upon myself, the idea if tossing a frisbee across the living room would've been harmless. That is, if my napping mother hadn't been laying on the green and ivory daybed in the living room. Most definitely if she had not taken her afternoon Percocet . Yeah, most definitely on the whole Percocet situation.

Let me put it this way. My momma was in deep REM. I noticed her eyebrows twitch and silly me, I thought perhaps I should reset her nap and what better way than to sail a frisbee as hard as I could and nail her right between the eyes and across the bridge of her nose.

Before I could a squeek, "Oh shiiitt..." and run, Gandalf possessed my handicapped, five foot and startled awake mother and she magically turned.one of her.aluminum crutches into a staff of incredible accuracy and caught me at the ankles causing me to land face first in the avocado colored shag carpet that oddly smelled of wet dog and we did not own a dog at that time.

After being threatened have my hide beaten off of my ass and horror....tell my daddy. I hid in my closet and came across chocolate smeared instructions for my Easy Bake Oven. I put two and two together and it dawned on me that the invisible, wet dog ate mine. My instructions had been lost and I was left wing it. Nice....Real funny.

I sure could have used those simple, little, life instructions.. I mean, how is a preacher's kid supposed to behave?....all the time? Or what about those  things we're NOT supposed say to enlighten conversation during ice cream socials, especially when it concerned something I discovered about my family.

I need a mullugan God! Sorry I freaked out my Sunday School teachers but if.I had of had that manual I would have known better than to ask where Cain's wife came from.... Since there were only Adam, Eve, Cain and the unfortunate Abel in the.whole wide world.

I would have known better than to ask to smell Mrs. Jenkins hair to see if it smelled.like grape. Hey, it was pastel purple. I thought it might have smelled like Grape. I loved grape anything and I was way on board.with the. grape hair and choir lady bit. I was ready for an appointment at Letha's beauty shop to get my 7 year old self all graped and sassy as soon as the thought crossed my mind.

Well, that manual would have been nice....kinda cool to study.up...especially since it's my childhood.....years of pop quizzes could have been avoided....yeah...thanks for that.

Stupid, invisible, wet dog! I can smell where you've been! I will find you!