Good, just relax and keep breathing. I’d like to thank you Thomas, for agreeing to participate in this study. Psychedelic micro dosing has helped move psychiatry forward at an unprecidented rate. This is the cutting edge of medicine in the twenty first century. You’re doing great Thomas, lean back and close your eyes. Once the cocktail starts to take effect we’ll begin.
How long does this stuff usually take to kick in doc?
Not long, you’ll start by feeling a lightness in your body. It should be relaxing and some what euphoric. The goal of this micro dose experiment is to have you achieve mild hallucinations while still being able to communicate what it is your seeing.
Ok, there’s the lightness doc.
Good, it shouldn’t be long now. Tell me Thomas what are you feeling now?…….Thomas……Thomas are you still with me.
No, I’m on a side walk in some major city.
That’s good Thomas. Can you move around in the city.
Yeah, I’m walking, and I’m holding a Burger King burger for later. Hey, I’m passing one of my favorite tattoo shops. God those things are expensive. Holy cow that’s Fred Armisen.
What is he doing?
He’s waiting on the corner to cross the street. And he is wearing an extraordinarily shiny silver suit. I’ve never seen anything like it. He looks like a walking disco ball.
How are you feeling Thomas?
Angry, very angry. I don’t know why doc. But I hate Fred Armisen and it’s not just the suit. I feel like, like I wanna kill him.
Thomas for the experiment I must urge you not to fight your feelings or instincts. It is absolutely imperative that you relax, and feel free to interact. How would you kill him?
I’m going to convince him that he needs love. I’ll tell him to close his eyes and follow his heart, to true destiny. Then ideally, he’ll walk blindly into traffic and that will be the end of it.
Thomas that is a stupid idea.
Nah nah I got this, watch doc. Hey Fred! I’m sorry to bother you but do you believe in a higher power.
What, who are you?
My name’s Thomas and you should know there is more to life than hit tv shows and fabulous suits. You have to fill your soul with more than Emmy’s. You need love Fred. Real love. The kind of love that only your heart can lead you to. When was the last time you closed your eyes and let fate introduce you to your destiny Fred. When was the last time you felt truly loved and fulfilled. How long Fred? How long will it take until your love tank runs dry. BELIEVE FRED! TRUST IN YOUR HEART TO LEAD YOU. TO FIND YOUR FATE. TO BRING YOU TO YOUR DESTINY. FRED! GO! CLOSE YOUR EYES AND GO NOW TO YOUR ONE TRUE LOVE! FULFILL YOU’RE DESTINY FRED!.
Fred, completely wrapped up in the moment, closes his eyes more tightly than he ever had in his whole life and runs in the direction his heart dictates. As soon as he takes two steps off of the side walk, cars swerve to miss him. Horns are honking, tires are squealing and an immense head on collision occurs in the intersection mere feet from where Fred is standing.
Fred opens his eyes and looks at the carnage and says, this is stupid. He walks back onto the side walk and says, I’m not doing this dude.
Holy shit Thomas that actually almost worked.
I’m not giving up yet doc. FRED! DO NOT DENY YOUR DESTINY. GO FIND LOVE.
Shut up. Thomas, is that what you said your name was. I’m over it. Leave me alone.
But how am I supposed to kill you if you don’t walk blindly into traffic, I accidentally say out loud. Oh shit.
Doctor: Oh shit
Fred: What did you just say? A maniacal look glazed over his eyes. He starts walking toward me. I am freaking out on the inside. I may have messed up . I take step a back when BAM! I am out cold.
What can you see now Thomas?
I am having an out of body experience doc. I see my self out cold on the side walk and, Joe Pesci? He’s wearing a shiny silver suit like Fred, though Joe’s is a couple of shades darker. Joe Pesci is standing over my body with a bat. Joe fucking Pesci just hit me with a bat.
Don’t worry Fred, said Joe. I heard the whole thing. Nobody’’s murdering you today. I’ll take care of this guy. Joe reaches down and picks up my Burger King burger which I was still holding for later, and drops it down the storm drain. He turns around and puts the bat into the open trunk of his brown Prius which is parked on the sidewalk. Then he grabs me by the collar with one hand, and the waist band of my jeans with the other and lifts me into his trunk. As he slams the trunk closed I black out.
Thomas?
Kid!
Thomas can you still hear me.
Hey Kid, it’s ok. Fred’s gone you can get out now.
Hey doc.
Good, Thomas, I thought we’d lost you there for a moment.
No no doc. Joe Pesci is helping me out of his trunk now.
That’s good Thomas, go with it.
Here kid clean yourself up and get in the car. Who taught you how to kill people.
What, no one taught me.
Yeah well that’s obvious. You think your so slick that you’re just going to talk someone into killing themselves. GO FRED! That’s how you think it works. You’re a disgrace.
Um, What is happening right now Joe? Why did you save me from Fred Armisen? And, are you, mocking me?
You’re damn right I’m mocking you kid. You got moxy but you’re lazy. Afraid to get your hands dirty. That’s the problem with your generation you….uh oh, Fred’s pissed. Time to go kid. Pesci Steps on the accelerator and we screech off of the curb. I look in the rear view mirror and here comes Fred Armisen in a Purple monster truck with pink polka dots. Hold on kid, this is about to get weird.
Fred is driving like a man possessed. He’s rolling over every car in his way including the wreck that he or I caused earlier in the intersection. Pesci cuts left, in his brown Prius jumping the side walk and going through a homeless encampment on the edge of the park. Fred turns the steering wheel to the monster truck to hard, it flips twice but lands right side up. I don’t know how, but I can see that he’s holding a Creedence Clearwater cassette tape. He puts the tape into the trucks radio and I hear the opening riff to Fortunate Son as though our car chase now has a sound track.
“Some folks are born, made to wave the flag”.
Fred revs the engine and fire shoots out of the exhaust stacks then he’s right back on us.
Pesci: oh shit
Thomas: oh shit
Doc: oh shit
Armisen: Eat Shit!
Pesci flips open the center console of the Prius exposing six red buttons set into a polished silver casing. He pushes the second button down on the left and the car, Joe, me we all go invisible. I look back at Fred and there is the largest red turtle shell I have ever seen circling his truck.
“Ooo that red white, and blue”
Joe changes direction hoping to throw Fred off of our trail but Fred releases the turtle shell and it is coming right at us. BAM direct hit. We are flipping and flying through the air and I hadn’t noticed before but there are balloons attached to Joe’s Prius. We have two red balloons and there are three blue balloons on top of Fred’s truck.
Doc, this is getting weird.
Hold on Thomas, I’m getting you another dose. This is the most fruitful study we’ve done yet.
“And when the band plays hail to the chief”
We’re going to get this mother fucker says Pesci. Nobody pops my balloons. Now we’re behind Fred and closing in fast. His truck has a banana behind it. Push the button on the top right Joe screams. The Prius spits out a green turtle shell knocking the banana off of Fred’s truck. Kid, third button on the left. We start blinking all of the colors of the rainbow and it seems like the Prius has picked up speed. We’re closing in on Fred when he flips the truck again while trying to maneuver away from us. BAM, we run over him causing one of his balloons to fly away.
I have had enough of you two Fred shouts. You try to kill me, you’re popping my balloons, now you’re going to die! Bloop bloop bloop, three red shells circle Fred’s truck as it rights itself.
“Ooo they point the cannon at you”
Fred fires all three shells in rapid succession bang bang bang.
Creedence quiets, and a booming voice seemingly from the sky announces Enter Player Three:
Fred: What
Joe: What
Thomas: What
Doctor: Taste the lightning fuckers.
The sky starts to strobe black and white and are we shrinking? Yes we are kid, but look, what ever this player three guy just did to us it knocked those red shells off course.
