Sometimes I wish I'd just die. This pain inside of me stings continuedly, like a persistent tooth ache. I bet that some rich boy, with a millionaire dad who lives in uptown Delhi would never have to go through all this shit. Sometimes, I wonder, why do I have to go through the shit that I do?
Now, all I can do id reminisce the past, and merely dream about the gazillion ways I could have dealt with this situation, at least so that I did not have to end up carrying this baggage with me.
There were times, when I dreamt about a job in a multinational company, a fat paycheck at the end of each month, whilst time ticks to the Rythm of the clock.
But now, I wish I could say the same. All my dreams have crumbles to the ground. I feel like a I am experiencing a sense of inadequacy akin to being a worthless entity devoid of any meaningful purpose. I wish I could conjure enough pain to fight my demons. But this time, instead of fighting, I surrender to them. I choose to succumb to the darkness that envelopes my thoughts. They win. I lose.
This is what it had brought me to, in the end. I hope my life is entertaining. I never thought that I'd ever come down to this road in a million years.
First my deleterious grades instilled a profound sense of hopelessness in me. But that time I did not feel like giving up. And then, I slowly started to lose friends, as I veered off to my own zone at times. Dreaming. Talking to myself. embracing false confidence. But here I am now.
And then I tried again. And I tried again. I tried again and again till I felt sick to my stomach. All that pain I succumbed to. Sometimes I wonder, maybe physics, chemistry and maths are just not my forte? But I don't get much choice. I have to succumb to the pain. There was a time when I was capable of converting all that pain to an unquenchable thirst, without reluctance, hesitation, or self-doubt.
When I reach out to people online, they all keep saying the same god damn thing. "Don't give up", "Keep trying your best", "It will pay off one day". But will it? I feel unheard. I feel insignificant. More than everything, I feel bad my parents have to deal with a burden like me.
What do I do with all of this pain? I can't find a way out of this utter darkness without actually giving up. But I don't want to give up because, I know that that's not who I am. I know it, from within, that I'm not a weakling who gives up, and surrenders to failure. That's just not who I am. And I know who I am, better than anyone else on Earth, if not in the universe. That's it. I take my power back right now. I will take my place, that is designated for me. And If it was never designated for me, then I'll make it mine. A new chapter will commence, as I rest my pen now.
You are the master and dictator of your soul. You are your own puppeteer. Turn your back against the whole world and live your life to the fullest because you only get one life, and you don't know when it will end. when you're in your death bed, you don't want to look back and say, "Ohh I wish I lived like that". Embrace the moment. Seize every opportunity you get. Now GO live your Life to your fullest. I rest my case.
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