“Yeah, It’s over. It'll never change between us. What’s the point?” Trevor said with a tear rolling down his face. He walked to the door, opened it and walked out.
I wanted to feel nothing, wanted the world to just end in this very moment. Everything I had worked for and busted my ass day and night just walked out the door. All the fighting and relationships I damaged all for him. I threw my fists at the door with frustration as tears ran down my face and I screamed out his name. He didn’t care, he walked out the door and left me here alone. The love of my life, my future, the one I wanted to call my husband gone. In disbelief I grabbed my phone and began calling him on every app I could until I was blocked. I couldn’t just let him walk away without fighting for him, why was he doing this to me; to us? Tears dripped onto my phone and my heart contracted in my chest. It was over; really over this time. I felt like I couldn’t breathe and the world was closing in on me. I opened the door and ran toward the street. It was raining but I didn’t care if I could just catch him, we could talk this out and come to a solution. My world had just disappeared and I could do nothing about it. I fell to my knees and let the rain hit my face. I was soaked and dressed in all white pjs passing cars were sure to get a show. His face flooded my brain and tears filled my eyes once again. I’d never see or touch him again, his pure blue eyes and light blonde stubble as I ran my hand across his face. I didn’t want to be alive in this moment if this is life without him and it hasn’t even been 24 hours.
The rain was coming down harder now and thunder roared through the sky bringing it to life as lightning struck. I was cold; I knew that but didn’t mind. I barely had any clothes on just my tank top and shorts. Cars honked as they passed and a few rolled down the window and whistled; you were really gone. I didn’t want this to be real, it couldn’t be. This was a dream and I’d wake up tomorrow and laugh with you holding me in your arms. I pinched myself to test the theory and a small drop of blood hit the payment; it was real. Defeated, I lifted myself up and made my way back to our or my apartment now. The storm began to pick up but I didn’t care, let it take me away. I looked around and saw a happy couple kissing in the rain and my heart ached for you. I reached the door and opened it and walked to the bathroom. Tervors toothbrush was still on the counter. I glanced at myself in the mirror. I was a mess, you could see everything. My nipples were hard and my face drained of color like I had seen a ghost. My dark brown hair looked black when wet mixed with blonde highlights. I had brown eyes and olive skin. I wasn't fat but wasn’t a twig either. The thin white fabric clung to my skin showing my wolf tattoo on my thigh.
I turned the shower on and let the stream warm the bathroom as I just sat at the edge of the tub slowly rocking myself back to reality. What would I tell everyone, when would he come back for all his stuff? Why should I even care he’s the one that left me. I removed my wet clothes and hopped in the shower, the water warming my body. Tears ran down my cheek as reality began to come back into focus and blood ran down my leg. There went our baby. The one he wanted from the start. I never even got to inform him he’d be a daddy. I guess it didn’t even matter at this point. I washed the blood away along with the rest of the day. Shampoo dripped in my hands as I squeezed the bottle and I massaged it into my head and tried to wash away the hurt. I looked at the conditioner bottle and picked it up dreading the last few minutes of the shower and repeated the same process. I turned the shower off and grabbed my black robe and walked to the bedroom.
I changed into something more comfortable just grabbing whatever undergarments available as I stuck a pad in my underwear . I saw my freshly washed pink sweat out with diamonds on the side and put that on. I searched the kitchen for my keys and found them in the golden dragon bowl. Putting my shoes on I almost lost my balance but grabbed the door to steady me and made my way to the hospital. Every song that played on the radio just reminded me of Trevor so I turned it off. It was up to me I’d just lay in bed and whatever happens, happens. Maybe there was a small chance the baby was ok. I didn’t even know how to think about being a mother without him. I turned into the emergency room, found a parking spot, put the car into park and let out a scream. A lady walking to her car with her son gasped and her son looked frightened. I watched as she strapped her son in the car and another tear fell from my eyes. She looked up at me and began walking to my car. Great. She had blonde hair and green eyes, her hair was curled and she was holding an umbrella above her head. She knocked on my window and I wanted to scream again. She motioned for me to roll down the window; I really did not want to but I complied.
“What is wrong dear? Are you okay?” The green eyed lady asked, concerned. I really did not want to tell a complete stranger that everything in my life just took a big fat shit. Plus she had her son in the car.
“My boyfriend left me and I lost our baby all within the last hour.” I couldn’t help but blurt out tears pouring from my eyes. “I'm sorry I didn’t mean to scare you and your son.” I apologized, wiping the tears from my eyes. I had actually said it outloud making it even more real.
“I'm sorry, look I know it seems like life will never get better but it will. If you are ever in the mood to just punch something my nephew teaches boxing and kickboxing. It really helped me when I got out of a toxic relationship. No need to say sorry dear. Good Luck.” The lady said as she looked through her purse and handed me a card with the name Michael’s Assurance Gym with a number on it. I looked back up to hand her the card back but she was already in her car.
I grabbed an umbrella and made my way into the hospital. My body was shaking, not ready to hear what I already knew. I reached the door and closed the umbrella and took a deep breath. I can do this. I walked up to the front desk and explained I was bleeding and pregnant. The lady’s eyes widened and I was told to wait in the waiting room. Shortly I was called back to a room and a doctor entered my room. The doctor was an older gentleman with gray hair and was wearing the typical white doctor coat. I read the name Dr.Walker and could only think this was the guy that would tell me every piece of Trevor was gone now. He clapped his hands together as to regather his train of thought or remember what was written on the chart.
“So Miss Kushe what brings you in today?” Dr. Walker asked as his eyes scanned me up and down. I was really getting sick of saying this already.
“I am bleeding and pregnant.” I rolled my eyes ready to be done with this conversation already. I know it’s his job to ask but how many times do you have to say the reason you came in. His face softened and his hands fell to his sides, there was the human part of him coming to the surface. His face told me what my heart was already fearing before even checking. He just nodded and the room became silent. I lifted up my shirt and the cold jelly hit my belly as he moved it around with the end of the machine. I looked at the monitor hoping to still see the heartbeat, it was still. The doctor let out a deep sigh which confirmed all my fears. I could tell this was the part of his job he hated the most.
“I am sorry. There is no heartbeat, the fetus is gone.” Dr. Walker informed me. “We will keep you overnight but you are free to go in the morning. If you can, I would inform the father. Again I am sorry for your loss.” He took my hand in his and squeezed before he walked out of the room. That simple act of kindness made me burst into tears when the door shut. There was no use in telling the father he was gone.
I grabbed my phone from my pocket and unlocked it looking for the one person I needed the most right now. I hope that she would even answer me after everything we had gone through because of Trevor. We hadn't spoken since I chose Trevor. I found her contact and pushed down on the screen. The line began to ring, that was a good sign at least. I waited hoping that she would answer me. The ringing continued until I heard her voice mail fill my ears, “You have reached the voicemail box of Clare Kushe. Leave a message at the tone or don’t.” I guess I should be happy she didn’t block me too.
“I need you mom, please call me back. It’s Maya; your daughter.” I said into the phone tears falling from my eyes. She was right, she would be the only person I wanted to talk to when it all fell apart. I wish she was here right now to tell me I'll somehow make it through this; that the pain will go away. He was gone and so was our baby, the last piece of our love just gone. It hurt so much I didn’t want to go on. What was the point? I put everything into this relationship to just be shit on.
The storm was picking up outside the more upset I got; it felt like the world was weeping with me. I had to call work to inform them I would not be in tomorrow. I guess that could wait until the storm passed or the morning. All I knew is I never wanted to feel like this again. Never would I give someone so much of myself again. I reached into my pocket and pulled out the card the green eyed lady handed me. I didn’t know too much about self defense and I needed to focus on something other than my life coming to an end. I had nothing to lose at this point; everything I loved was gone anyway. I grabbed my phone and dialed the number on the back and heard the phone ringing.
“Hi this is Mike speaking, how may I help you?” A thick husky Irish accent filled my phone. It was different. I had never actually heard one, other than on tv. It was kind of sexy and sounded more masculine.
“Hi this is Maya your aunt gave me your card and said you offer boxing classes? I was wondering when I could sign up and what the cost was?” I responded with my voice cracking just a little.
“My aunt? Then there is no cost. I gave her a few cards to give to women she felt needed something to bring them strength. You are the first call I have gotten. Every weekend at 5pm both days? Does that work for you Maya?” Mike responded. The way he said my name sent shivers down my spine.
“That is super sweet but I can pay you something at least. The days and times are perfect.” I answered back. I had nothing to lose at this point. I needed something to let all the hurt out. I will not let him take anymore of him with me as he goes on in life without me. He doesn’t deserve that kind of power.
“You will not pay me if you try the lessons are over. See you Saturday, wear shorts and a tank top; everything else will be provided for you. ” Michael demanded as I heard the line go silent. I guess that was the end of that conversation.
The thunder roared and I heard a loud boom shake the sky and the power flickered around me. Darkness filled the room for a few seconds before the lights came back to life. Just add it to the list of the worst day of my life. My heart was shattered and I barely had the energy to move. Of course everything had to happen on the same day. I guess i'm just being tested on how strong I can be. I don’t want to be right now but I knew I had to go on, my ego wouldn’t allow him to be the reason I fail. I will give myself the night and tomorrow to be sad by Saturday I will pick myself up and start again.
“Are you my mom? Am I in heaven?” I looked up to meet the eyes of a little boy no older than five years old. He has brown hair and green eyes, he is so adorable.
‘Oh no honey no I'm not, where is your dad?” I responded with a small smile. My heart broke for him. He clearly wanted a mother and was looking for attention anywhere.
“He is probably still at work, he has to pay for my treatment. He cries a lot when he comes to see me. I wish I could make him happy.” The green boy answered me. I sat up and bed and he climbed up next to me laying his head against my shoulder.
“Oh I think you do make him happy. I think he just wants you to be better honey.” I said and he gave me a little squeeze.
“I always see other kids' moms come in and read to them. I don’t think I have one. My dad doesn’t talk about it when I ask.” The little boy said as a tear fell down his face.
‘I can read to you if you have a book? What’s your name?” I asked. He lifted his head off my shoulder and looked up at me with a smile.
‘My name is Gavin. What’s yours Miss” Gavin said and then bolted out of the room. Moments later Gavin returned with the Cat and the Hat. He looked so happy to just have someone to talk to. He jumped into the hospital bed and snuggled up to me as he got under the covers. I opened the book and began to read it to him, he snuggled into my chest and soon fell asleep. I looked down at the little boy wondering why any mom would not be a part of their kids' life; no matter how hard. If my baby had survived I would have been there no matter what. I'm sure his nurse would be around the corner in a minute looking for him. I didn’t have the heart to wake him. He looked so peaceful sleeping. I guess in a way I needed an act of kindness too.
“WHERE IS MY SON.” A man screamed through the hospital hallway and I was assuming he was talking about Gavin. His accent sounded oddly familiar.
“I’m sorry he was just in his room sir. His book is gone, he probably is just asking a nurse to read it to him.” A nurse tried to calm the large man down. His eyes locked with mine and I motioned him over. Preparing for his wrath as he frantically made his way into my room. His eyes scanned my body and he saw the book in my hands and his shoulders untensed. His eyes went to Gavin’s sleeping body.
“You just let him travel to random rooms, you need to do your job better.” He spat at the nurse in the doorway. I scanned him up and down. He was wearing black gym shorts and a white tank top. His legs were bigger than my arm and his arms looked like they could pop a watermelon. My eyes met his again and they were an electric blue with a prominent jaw line with red little stubble on his face. His hair was spiked up and red as well; he was very attractive.
“I'm sorry sir, it won't happen again.’ The nurse apologized again. Oh great now it was my turn. He started walking toward me and Gavin shifted in his sleep and hugged me. The man’s face softened and he moved a piece of hair from Gavin’s face.
“I’m sorry he likes to try and find pretty girls to read to him all the time. He keeps trying to get me to find him a mom. My name is Michael and you are?” Michael said in an Irish accent. No way was this the person I was just on the phone with. He did just call me pretty. I hoped my cheeks weren’t red.
“It is no problem he is a real sweetheart. My name is Maya.” I responded and he looked shocked.
“Were you just on the phone with me? For classes this weekend?” Mike asked, confused. He sat in the chair next to me and his body relaxed and he rubbed his temples.
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“I think so I offered to pay something and you had no and then hung up.” I responded with a little attitude. I found it a little odd he was just letting Gavin sleep on a stranger's chest.
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“I told you why on the phone. Why are you here anyway; In the hospital?” Mike asked. I didn’t really want to tell him but I was holding his son in my arms.
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“I lost my baby today and my boyfriend.” I said tears rolling down my face. Talking to someone made it so much more real.
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“Oh I am so sorry I shouldn’t have asked you that.” Mike apologized. It wasn’t his fault at all but just hearing someone else say it made me feel a little better. Mike walked over to me, moved my hair from my face and planted a small kiss on my forehead. I could feel heat rising to my cheeks. He motioned for me to take Gavin and I compiled of course. “May god bless you and your womb. I’ll see you Saturday.” Mike whispered in my ear sending chills down my spine.
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“WHO THE FUCK IS THIS MAYA. I KNEW YOU WERE A LYING WHORE.” Trevor came in screaming.
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