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I was given my name immediately upon my birth, I know not who made me or how I gained my knowledge nor from where I originated. I was simply there; a being of vast, magical powers, yet so lost. Lost amongst the stars. I could’ve chosen to search for answers but I was so overwhelmed by the knowledge slowly seeping into my mind. So I simply curled into a fetal position and closed my eyes, hoping for the knowledge to stop.
My knowledge came to me slowly at first, beginning with my name, and continuing to languages, literature, math, economics, and science, now that I think about it I must’ve been there for only a day or two when the knowledge stopped. So slowly I unwrapped myself and I went into the universe and out of the void.
I bent the stars to my will and my power alone, I was convinced I was a god, creating and destroying as I pleased. Soon I found a planet, one I could tell was destined to end in the cruelest fate of all— ignorance. Lord, the planet's ignorance could be felt from the deepest, most empty parts of the cosmos and came from such an insignificant species. One that would deny, fear, and once desire me, with their entire being.
I came down in my natural form and immediately burned those who saw me, so I abandoned some of my divinity but I still turned them to stone. So after devolving my vessel quite a bit. I traveled on their planet and found that their essence or blood was quite delicious and caused quite some drama with the locals upon consumption, I thought their emotions were entertaining, but I now know it was just fear.
So in many forms, I flew, ran, and swam imitating their animals occasionally combining them by themselves or with the human body-- all were lovely and fascinating forms I still find amusing. Killing, eating, and playing with all of them, and even sometimes sending them on meaningless quests. Ones they believed would bring them glory. Those silly little creatures that scurried around me like mice or ants made legends of me. When I had descended man had just discovered fire and when I left man had created the smartphone, silly indeed.
During this, I saw their forms of entertainment—dance, song, tragedy, and most intriguing- love. I became obsessed with the idea, of wanting another's soul, for what, I questioned because they were quite useless. Desiring a body? Why, if not to dissect, devour, and use as your own? To want to be owned, how? In what way? And why. Why why why why???? It puzzled me thoroughly. I laughed at first at the idea. I now look back at my behavior ashamed and disgusted.
Those ideals, ways of thinking, joys, and delights all faded away. They now seem completely useless compared to when I first saw her. She was in an E.R. I had wandered in seeking easy targets but I instead found her, strapped down to a gurney in green scrubs. She was there for a suicide attempt.
Today and before I could recognize her anywhere, from lightyears away I could sense her, god I wish I could still sense her. Her lips were beautiful and felt incredible whether they were soft and moisturized or cracked and dry. Her skin could be scattered with marks and bumps and I wouldn’t care. For her eyes, held the knowledge of me.
I am a difficult subject to understand. For the longest time, I didn’t know what right or wrong was. I was so powerful they did not apply to me. Everything was tilted, permanently my perspective changed like an eternal vertigo plaguing my mind. All upon my first meeting her.
She was simply there when we first met, smiling as if she knew I was coming, who I was, why I was there, and our future together. She was a funny little one, only around her second or third decade, and yet so, so smart. Smart doesn’t do her any justice though, she was wise, wise beyond me, beyond anyone. If you were to tell me she bestowed the knowledge upon me I would believe you wholeheartedly. Or as much as I could, being without heart before, not then, but again now.
She died within our first few days together. Murdered after the rightful killing of those who harmed her. Humans might say 9 years, but it felt like days maybe even hours, but in all honesty they were seconds compared to my lifetime.
One thing I learned was that she loved the world yet wanted it destroyed at the same time. She was a funny little thing. She cursed while loving her species and all the others she knew about. She did not know much but at the same time. She knew everything. God, she was the embodiment of lux and vitae itself. She was everything.
I call her funny and silly as if she were a happy and lovely thing but she wasn’t. Lovely yes but not by choice, funny yes but only to cope with her body, her mind, her knowledge of her species, and their hatred for her.
I remember one day looking at her. She had spoken to somebody, I care not who, for they were disintegrated with their soul to be in eternal torment soon after my seeing her face.
She spoke and spoke and spoke of her love and her hatred and her disgust and her admiration. So contradicting so horrid and beautiful I couldn't believe she was speaking. It seemed like a spell and I knew then why she loved them why she hated them and only then, did I know what it meant to be one of them.
She looked at me. I never knew she could do this but her gaze gave me a thousand questions and more. All concerning my feelings which prior to her I never had. So I spoke.
“Why don’t you believe I love you?” I asked. She sat there silent, staring off into the deep voids of my eyes, my twisted soul, tears falling from her eyes. God her beautiful eyes- those deep hazel eyes. The ones I swear are filled with all the stars in the galaxy and more- were so filled with sorrow, fuck, I, no, she, she shouldn’t ever feel like that.“You are everything to me I would take your rage your hatred and your loathing towards me over anyone else's love and affection any day. God, the thought of anyone else in your place makes my skin crawl and has me, an immortal being, feeling like death itself. You are the only reason I continue to exist. I have waited centuries for my purpose and you are why I know what it is, it’s you, sweet, loving, amazing you. I now live for you. Only you, never again will I need anyone else. May the lord pry my eyes out of these foul sockets if they ever land upon another being that isn’t you. God, I cannot breathe, I cannot live, I cannot move an inch without knowing that I can see you again. I beg of you do not take away my only reason for not destroying this place you love so much. This foul world that has made you feel as if you aren’t worthy of even my gaze. That has made you feel useless, like you’re never, enough. Please allow yourself to heal with me, allow yourself to love the body and mind that I hold so dear to me, the soul I have searched an eternity for, the person I can say I truly love. Please let me stay with you. Should I ever cause you a milligram of fear, disappointment, or any negative emotion that dares to plague your mind, then will I leave you? If only to assist you in your journey. However, should you continue to hurt yourself, should you continue to deny yourself the love you so desperately deserve- I will not forgive you, I will weep and weep and sob until there are no tears left. I will shed my tears of agony until the world is once again flooded and there will be no Noah’s Ark to save humanity. I will kill them all, I will destroy every last one of them. All those who’ve ever inconvenienced you, those who’ve ever made you second guess yourself will perish by my hand. And if they’ve ever hurt you no beast, nor army, nor god will be able to stand between them and an eternity of torture. Hell, no matter who they pray to, nothing will be able to save them from my wrath. I’m certain if there is a god besides me, they would even help me in my conquest of destruction. Anyone who knows you, truly knows you will understand my hatred toward those who’ve damaged you. I pray that there is someone out there with half a mind enough to see and cherish you the way you deserve. I can only hope you allow me to be the one to see you smile every day. To be there and watch as you grow old. Fall in love with you and have said feelings reciprocated. My only wish is your happiness. My love, my feelings, my life are all secondary to that wish.” When I finished talking she was no longer staring off into space,
Then, we kissed, and for the first time for both of us our bodies joined as one, she embodied the masculine and the feminine, we were sweet and kind and loving and all the things we wanted and more.
The next morning I arose. And vowed no one would ever touch her again. So what soon followed was death after painful death for those who created the pain she held. I then left to meditate on my emotions and contemplate their purpose.
She died soon after I left. Killed for murdering her abusers. I had left the planet and traveled so far that I would not see her for at least a day. For my speed that is very long. I traveled so far through the void that I couldn’t sense see or feel anything, I could barely think. I meditated for what I believe was 5 years. I came to the conclusion that I had left for m, was her, I remember my thoughts as I meditated. “I, I, I love her, So much, so so much, so much that I believe I can make her immortal, she could be with me forever, in whatever body she chooses! Yes, YES!!” so I returned, excited to tell her my plan. But she was gone.
So now next to her ashes, I sing our love through my cries of rage, and sorrow-- god knows there is no negative emotion that will ever do justice to the devastation I now feel. A fraction of it is only comparable to the sorrow of the whole of humanity, times all the stars in the universe. I burn, my true form once again unleashed. But it is bigger now. I grow and grow and grow. The planet, the solar system, the galaxy, the universe itself. I burn, all of it, along with me. And once again it begins, the knowledge but it was from her, and this time I was left completely alone. Now that the knowledge has left me I am left a human. A human who was once amor divinus.
ns 15.158.61.21da2
