I was searching for anything but me
I was waiting for somebody to feel what I feel
I guess everything I knew fell apart all around me
I
Being born with an abnormal amount of space between by balls and my asshole had never actually bothered me. What bothered me was what such a space implied… the possibility that I would present as an omega. At the time, my senior year of high school was in full swing. I had joined the JROTC to secure my path forward for college and beyond. It didn’t feel like I had any other option with my older sister already in college herself. It was the two of us against the world for a long time ever since our parents were killed on their trip to Europe when we were younger. Becca took care of me as much as she could but eventually she had to look after herself. As the clock ticked on toward graduation and my eventual departure from Indiana to Columbia University, the unthinkable finally happened. I became what I feared. I presented as an omega.
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I woke up irritable for no apparent reason on a random day in the middle of December. The air was brisk and sharp with the scent of winter. My mood worsened as the heat set in, sending excruciating cramps through my lower back and belly. My bones trembled, my muscles shivered as the blaze licked its way up my spine, as the fever addled my mind. All my wants and dreams transformed into keens and whines for something to fill an unwanted crevice that was sure to appear. I tossed and turned in my bed as I tried in vain to sleep. Salted droplets for tears streamed down my face, as the feeling of knives stabbing me through my stomach turned to the sensation of ripping skin. My flesh grew ever tender in the center of my thighs as this pulsing, quivering, wet thing formed out of the nothing. Those salted droplets continuously pelted my cheeks as my insides churned, conjuring the uterus that would eventually enable me to bare children. Blood, sweat, and tears drenched my sheets as the ripping of skin continued. A second pair of lips were summoned out of the heat and fused to the space I always dreaded they would be. Achy and needy, I whimpered and whined. Calling out for that which would quench this raging desire, something soothing to ease the pain. I honestly didn’t know how I would survive this torment.
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I called out to this strange presence that roused in the back of my mind, this intruder that invaded my body making the impossible possible. That entity called back begging me to seek an alpha. The realization that I would need a knot to satisfy this thirst caused an unconsolable ache to pulse violently through the cunt that I had been blessed with. Some blessing this was.
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A sampling for sweet nectar to drip from my fingertips, a thirst for an elixir thicker than water, for honeyed liqueurs. A craving for spice and zest, a desire to be held down and caressed, this is my nature now. The fire traveled back down my spine, my bedclothes were so soaked. I felt like I was bursting at the seams, and I was. How could a pussy and a matching uterus burst forth from the cosmos if it wasn’t already in someone’s great plan?
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Visions of a broad, robust figure with eyes the color of the sky and hair color of liquid gold told me that my alpha was strong. Mirages of this alpha with a slightly crooked nose and a rakish grin, told tales of playful banter and free spirits. Images flew past my minds eye of that man shrouded in shadows, with fangs for teeth and deep scarlet fluid trailing down his jaw, they told me that my alpha would relish in taking me, breaking the skin on my bonding gland. My skin longed for the tender embrace of he that I had never met, my body hungered for his touch but I hadn’t the foggiest clue as to who he even was. I couldn’t see his face fully, only those vague features. He wasn’t there to comfort me but I wanted him so bad. I so hoped that I would find love on my own terms, that I wouldn’t have to rely on my scent and biology to bring my mate to me. I had hoped relying on the magic running through my veins would help me to foresee our divine coupling, that it wouldn’t make matters complicated. Alas there I was, convulsing in pain with blood staining my skin as evidence ripped my hopes from me.
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Time flowed differently during a heat, my alter ego took the reins. Seconds became minutes. Minutes became hours. Hours became days. I craved, I desired, I wanted it all. The waves calmed as my thoughts returned to me, my body became my own once again. My wants and dreams had returned but there was a caveat. There were terms and conditions now that I never thought I would have to live by. Neither alpha nor beta, but omega. A death sentence if you asked me.
I was running from something inside of my head
You were the summer of gold
I was broken in two
Now I can feel it again
Love, I’m halfway to whole
II
I am forever changed and yet I remain the same. Boyish and softer in places where I never wanted to be. Perhaps there is a greater purpose for me in being an omega now. I am more in tuned with the energies around me than ever before, I can see with much more clarity now. The cards whisper their secrets, they’re much louder than they used to be. I am a man of letters, a man of science, but magic calls to me more now. Ever since that first heat, my powers have grown significantly. It’s like I’ve chipped away a piece of the weight that was holding me down. I never had any formal training but it’s like my magic is less erratic than it used to be. I am by no means where I want to be, but this… this is a promising start. Should I thank the goddesses for this designation? Should I thank the gods for the pain?
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Despite my acceptance of who I am now, a male omega witch, there are still forces that would see this world sent into the dark ages. It is almost time for me to take my place amongst the privates and cadets that sold their souls in service to these United States upon entering college, but I find myself shivering with unease. Is there a chance that there will be others like me in the ranks? My classmates, they know me as a beta… should I continue the ruse? It would serve me well, I could disregard the voices telling me I need an alpha for this and that. I could make my own way as originally planned, I already have scent blockers and they make suppressants for omegas now… I could use those… Perhaps this is the way to become the new me.
I could be the dance on your dark side
You could be the light in my black nights
I can see myself in your wild eyes
If you can take the weight of my soul
We’re indestructible
III
Call me Sergeant, I’m a military man now.
I’m paving my own way, nothing can stop me
Those painful heats are things of the past
Bless whoever came up with suppressants and scent blockers
I know their existence is the only reason I have not been discovered
They all truly believe I’m a beta but who cares, I’m here now!
Sharpshooter training is up next, my CO has taken a shine to me
There is a downside to all of this though,
I want to be caressed tenderly, spoken to with love and gentleness,
I want to cry and soothe myself with soft things, I want to fall asleep on a knot
I don’t want to have to be tough all the damn time!
I want to sink into the magic that flows through my blood
I wish I didn’t have to conceal these sides of myself out on the frontlines
I’m a soldier, they call me Winter as a joke
I hate, no I detest, the cold. They told me to tighten up
because I’m a real man now. Soldiers don’t have time for tears.
They paid for my education and now I owe them part of my life.
Three years down, three more to go. Still, that’s way too long to fight
Once it’s over, that’s it. No more pointless battles for me.
I miss my books and cozy things. I miss the magic that should have been my life.
I miss my sister.
Call me Sergeant, I’m a military man now
Codename: Winter Soldier… but he’s not who I want to be.
We’re so ready for the better things to come
Closing in, claustrophobic
Tear it up, hit and run
You and me don’t belong anymore
Kill the memory
IV
The winds pick up as the humvees trek across the uneven terrain of the Siberian tundra. A blanket of darkness covers us before flashes of light take me and my unit by surprise. I could have never foreseen the angry oranges and reds that blaze before us, the cloying heat that fuses our clothes to our skin. I look for the other humvee but it has been completely obliterated by the blast. The broken glass of the windshield paves the way to freedom only for but a moment. The enemy falls upon us in a sea of black and red, agents donning a strange creature with tentacles on their chests hailing a hydra. Our ammunition supply diminishes rapidly. We fight tooth and nail for our lives, using our fists and our knives. In the end, it’s not enough.
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A sickly sweet scent clashes with the stale odor of blood and disinfectant as it penetrates my senses. A hard, flat surface supports my body. It’s cool to the touch. Not that I can touch anything. My hands are shackled to my sides, I am wearing nothing but my skivvies. Cold dread fills my veins as the realization hits me. I was taken alive. I strain to hear anything beyond the room I’m being kept in. Nothing. I can hear nothing beyond the frantic beating of my own heart. A string of numbers litters my thoughts. It’s my mantra, it’s keeping me sane as an omega with beady eyes encased in thick lenses shoots blue viscous fluid into my veins. That sickly sweet scent makes sense now as fire coats my throat, licks at the back of my neck. I scream out my pain.
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Time flows differently here. My addled mind reminds me of fevers and slick coating my sheets. People rotate in an out of my room, holding clipboards and syringes full of fluid in multiple colors. Blue, clear, green, red, yellow, white. No one bats an eye when they realize I am an omega. They smile like it’s the best thing ever, like they’re not all omegas themselves. I am quite shocked that I have yet to encounter an alpha. I am grateful, at least rape isn’t on the table. That or a forced mating bond. I still fear that the blood that runs in my veins will expose my true nature, knowledge that humans could never be trusted with. That crack pot doctor comes back and cackles in glee. I’m being stripped of my skivvies, fear claws its way up my throat. The sharp scalpel he holds in one hand glints in the overhead light, the last syringe he holds in the other is full of black fluid. This one seems more ominous than the others but I can do nothing but watch when he injects me. My limbs don’t respond to my commands, they haven’t for awhile… ever since that first blue syringe. My arms are limp at my sides, my body feels beat down, my eyelids are heavy. There are spots in my vision… Darkness closes in. Am I dead? Eternal void, heed the desires of this prisoner. Grant me an eye to see beyond my torment.
Now we’re running from something inside of ourselves
Oh we’re breaking free
‘Cause we’ve been through the worst
Yeah, you live and you learn
Love, it’s just you and me
V
Beep beep beep beep goes the sound of the EKG machine monitoring my heartbeat. The thick fog that oppresses me lifts slowly with the tone of that metronome. I. Am. Alive. The view from my hospital issued bed is dismal at best, I can’t even see the skyline. The city is usually so pretty at this time, Manhattan that is. After all of the turmoil and pain, I’m still here, still capable of witnessing what should have been a beautiful sight. I shift slightly in the the bed and notice that my whole left side feels off. Something prevents me from looking. There are tubes everywhere. In my nose, a clip on my right index finger, and an IV bag full of normal saline in my right arm. I don’t have time to react in fear to whatever else is going into my system now. My body is drained of its energy, I couldn’t do anything if I tried. What comforts me is the familiar scent of family, the only ones who are left. They will make sure all records regarding my blood may have been shuffled to the archives protecting witches. My sister and brother-in-love (I hate the term “in-law”), Becca and Daniel, alpha and omega. Is that what I have to aspire to now? I can’t help but think of the blonde, blue-eyed alpha that I yearn for in my dreams, will he want me now? I guess I won’t mind too much to be where my sister is though, she’s really happy with her husband. Daniel’s even expecting a pup soon. I’ll have a niece or nephew to dote on now. I wonder what good fortunes I can divine for them.
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“Mr. Barnes?”
The doctor in his white coat comes into my room, my sister stands from her seat at my bedside. His scent is sweet like Daniel’s, is he pregnant too?
“I have some news.”
I sit up a little in my hospital bed but it hurts. I whimper, my sister and brother both jumping to assist me but the doctor is faster. He clicks a button on the left side of my bed where the remote lays, cast over as if by the wayside. He’s closer now, his lab coat shifts and I can see the baby bump through his scrubs. I smile and say, “When is your little one due?”
“Oh,” he looks down and smiles himself. “End of June.”
I smile again in return. I may have no concept of time now but that sounds like a good thing for the good doctor. “I guess that’ll be me whenever I find an alpha, right?”
The doctor’s smile wanes a little before coming back a little forced. I still saw it. My heart falls out of my chest. At least, that’s what it feels like.
“I’m sorry, Mr. Barnes. Your health is in a delicate place right now. What happened to you in captivity, whatever they injected you with had strange effects on your body. Your reproductive system is impaired, you endured a bilateral orchiectomy. Your scent glands are severely inflamed, causing your scent to be currently nonexistent. I have full faith that your scent will return once the inflammation is completely resolved but I am unsure if it will be the same. Of course, there’s also the situation with your arm but Stark Industries will work with us to provide you with a prosthetic—”
“So, he can’t have pups?!” My sister blurts out, she’s so tactless when she’s scared. I would laugh but I don’t really know how to feel. “How will he be able to function without an arm, how will use his m—
“Becca!” My brother admonishes her. “I apologize for her outburst, doctor—
But I don’t hear whatever else he says. It’s like I am being submerged underwater. My hearing goes first, the feeling in my fingers goes next. I slip into my mind as confusion takes over my thoughts. I never wanted to be an omega but I was getting used to it. There were others like me in my unit, others who were braver than me. They embraced their nature and broadcasted it to the world. They took their suppressants just like an alpha would and kept it pushing. They helped me out there on the frontlines, they’ll never be able to support me now. They’re all gone. I should have been gone too. I started to really accept that I am an omega. I really wanted the pups I could have had. The chance to have them is gone too. An infertile omega down an arm, now what will I do?
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Honorably discharged from the service, with a Purple Heart to boot, into a world that somewhat supports veterans is where I am now. Months pass me by in a blur of appointments with a specialist at Stark Industries. I am still grappling with the fact that I was rescued from a band of rogue intelligence operatives from Germany, they call themselves Hydra. The bastards, basically Neo-Nazis if you ask me. All I want is revenge for what they took from me but, it came as a surprise to learn that they gave me something instead. The super soldier serum, at least that’s the term doc and the SI specialist both used. Doc’s back at work now that he had his baby. I’m still coming to terms with the fact that I still can’t have my own, that my balls are gone, and that there’s a SI metal arm fused to my shoulder. I’m built like a brick shithouse to handle the arm, it’s okay because I’m a goddamn super soldier, but I can’t even have kids. Ridiculous is what it is. Rather than let that get me down, I’m throwing myself into work. The military paid for my degrees before my years spent overseas, so I’m finally using them. Through learning to re-embrace myself as an omega, I stopped concealing the enchanted blood that runs through my veins. My affinity for sight is slow to come back but I’m sure it will. I’m positive that I will surpass the level I was at before I officially joined the military. I just know I will, especially since I want to delve into understanding the mysteries of the known and unknown. I want to use my unique connection to the arcane energies this world has to offer, to use my sight to see the ways that magic and science intersect. What’s a better way to help heal my mind, body, and soul than this?
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With a fully functioning metal arm and two degrees under my belt, I am coveted by Pym Technologies, Stark Industries and their competitors. However, a courier service bringing a missive from the founder of Isipho Industries intrigues me the most. A clandestine dinner and a private tour of their Brooklyn facilities later, and I am part of their team instead. I know in my heart that I made the right choice. The founder is none other than Princess Shuri of Wakanda, an omega witch with a thirst for knowledge. I feel right at home with her. She employs creatures of all kinds. Daemons, vampires, and witches, all of them working together seamlessly on their goals. Something like this is unheard of, if my sister’s ramblings about rules and traditions are to be believed. The exclusiveness of how I came to work for II does give me pause at moments. Perhaps unconsciously I know my sister may be right but I don’t bother to put too much stock in her words. I finally feel like this is where I’m meant to be. So what if my work leads me in a radical direction, so what I can’t have kids, so what my balls are gone and my scent might never be a sweet siren’s song for a suitable mate. So what I may never meet my blonde, blue-eyed alpha. So what?! I am a man of arcane mysteries and a man science. I am a male omega and a goddamn super soldier. I am a witch and a scholar, it is high time that I start acting like it. I bless you great alfather for taking my pride and my sorrows, for transforming the chains of my designation into wisdom and power. I thank you maiden, mother, crone, for the fire that turned me into gold.
I could be the dance on your dark side
You could be the light in my black nights
I can see myself in your wild eyes
If you can take the weight of my soul
We’re indestructible
Oh love, we’re indestructible
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