Hi, I'm Kat and I'm your typical teenager except for one little thing...... I don't tell people if I'm okay or not. Ask me if I am and all that will get you is an "I'm fine, now leave me alone." Sometimes that is the only thing I can bring myself to say, sometimes I can't even bring myself to say that. Today, I couldn't bring myself to say anything to anyone at all no matter how hard I tried.
I've noticed that some days stories are better than reality. And that some days we wish that those stories our parents told us as kids were reality. For me, at age 17, I wish day that the stories were reality. They were all I really had to keep me sane in this cruel world.
Sure, I want my life to be a fictional story. So what? I see nothing wrong with dreaming about things such as this. I think it means the mind is healthy to have such wishes but I can't quite be sure. You see, I'm not exactly the most mentally stable person there is in this world. Actually I'm quite far from it in reality.
I wish I could get the help I need but my parents refuse to believe that anything is wrong . I try to tell them and they say its normal teenage stuff or that I'm crazy and should be placed in the nuthouse permanently. So, after over a year of trying I finally gave up and decided it was time to cope on my own with everything going on in my life and in my head.
My mind, well that alone was a bottomless dark abyss that had no plans of setting me free from it anytime soon. It just wanted to pull me in deeper and day by day it succeeded at exactly that because I was helpless againsit. I took daily abuse from my mind as I attempted to shut down the thoughts it gave me, I was ready to give up when a girl from school walked up to me one day...
"Kat, right? I'm Lex. I've seen you around school and I'm in a couple classes with you. Are you alright? I'm not one to ask if a person is okay because there is such a wide way to interpret such a question."
"Hi... Lex.... I... I um.... I've been a lot better really..." I said, then immediately thought "oh shit why am I telling her this, I'm not supposed to talk about feelings it makes them too real... shit shit shit", then out loud I continued with, "I'll be okay though I guess. Just have a bad time right now, nothing to worry about no one else does... any way, don't we both have classes to get to?"
Lex's answer shocked me. Something I never thought I'd hear from someone I barely knew...
"The hell with class, let's go outside and sit under a tree to talk. I'll listen to anything you have to say, I want to help if I can." Lex had a huge smile on her face as she said all this.
I started to tear up a little but quickly put stop to that, can't seem weak after all. "Are you sure you want to chance being seen with a nobody like me that no one likes...?" My voice shaking as I ask this, expecting the answer I usually got.
Lex took my hand and walked me out of the building to a tree right outside and sat down, patting next to her for me to sit. "Is this proof enough that I want to be? If not I could probably prove it more." She smiled at me while I sat down next to her.
I looked at her briefly. "Thanks... most people don't want to even be seen near me, let alone skipping class with me."
Lex looked confused. "Really? But you are really cool." She then hugged me and I was unsure how to react so I sort of hugged her back.
As I was hugging her I said, "You really think so? That means a lot to me to her that... but I'm sure you don't want to have to hear all my issues on top of any you currently might have..." I tried my best to smile after saying that.
Lex smiled, and said "Of course I want to Kat. I care about you and want to help if I can!"
For the first time in a long time I had an actual smile instead of my usual fake one. "Well.... I guess I could tell you some of what's going on if you really want to know but I'm not sure anyone can help anymore..."
Lex looked at me before speaking, "I want to at least try. Even if it were to mean asking my parents if you can stay with us a while if that could help. My parents would be happy to help out too."
I hugged her before starting my story. But after I had told her what I felt to be enough it was to the point I could no longer hold back my tears. So I started sobbing and Lex just sat there hugging me until I was calm enough to stop.
"Hey, its okay Kat. It will all be okay. I think I'll talk to my mom after school about you staying with us if you want me to, otherwise I won't but I'm sure she would love to help as much as I do." Lex sat there smiling at me as I tried to come up with a clever answer to get out of her talking to her mom.
After a while I realized I had no reason she couldn't talk to her mom about it and I started to really like the idea. "I see no reason you shouldn't talk to her about it if you are sure she will be willing to help. I don't want to be a bother. To you or your mom." I said with a smile before tightly hugging her.
After we both released each other from the hug, she called her mom. Her mom answered right away and asked why she wasn't in her last periodclass. She told her mom that she had run into me and thought I needed someone to talk to so she took me outside to talk. Her mom, unlike mine would be, was cool bout the whole situation and asked Lex if I was wanting to stay with them while. Of course Lex told her mom I wanted to as long as I wouldn't be a burden, but then she did something I never expected, she put her mom on speaker to talk to me.
Her mom seemed nice enough, asked if my mom and dad knew how I was feeling. I told her I had told them multiple times and been told to "suck it up" or to "grow up" by both of my parents each time I told them. Her reply was to say "shame on them, that is not how you treat your own daughter." I agreed and quickly said that I was used to dealing with my problems on my own without help. After I made that statement, her and Lex immediately started insisting that I stay with them until I was feeling better.
I agreed to but said I would have to tell my parents, Lex's mom said she would meet us in front of the school in 15 minutes and take me to my house to talk to them. And without a doubt, 15 minutes later Lex and I were getting in her mom's car and headed to my house. About 20 minutes after leaving the school we got to where I lived and Lex and her mom followed me up the front stairs.
Lex looked at me as I opened the front door, "are you sure you want to go in there alone Kat?"
I looked at her with shock in my eyes, "you... you really care if I want to go in there alone? Honestly, I would rather not go in alone but..." I let myself trail off mid sentence.
Her mom looked right at me and said "dear, but what? You can tell us, we only want to help you."
I looked at the ground, "if I bring anyone into the house... my mom and dad will disown me... this is the only place I really have to call home and if they disown my I'll be homeless. I don't think I could handle that...."
Lex and her mom talked for a minute and then Lex said "let us come in with you. If they disown you, you won't be homeless. Will she mom?"
Lex's mom smiled "that's right. I won't let you be homeless. You can live with us as long as you need to. We have plenty of room in our house. No problem to have you with us."
"Alright..." I said as I opened the door and let them in before me. And as I entered through the doorway it was like my parents could sense I was home and they started yelling at me. I quickly and quietly gave Lex and her mom directions to my room and told them I would be up as soon as my parents were done with me. "Just do me a favor and no matter what you hear don't come down from my room."
Lex and her mom said in unison "but...." and I immediately ushered them up to my room before my parents saw them.
The yelling in the downstairs went on between me and my parents for around 20 minutes. After they stopped yelling at me my parents sent me up to my room to think about what I had done, which in this case was nothing, so I did as told but I started packing a few bags as soon as my door was closed.
"This is what my life is like," I said while shoving what I could in bags, "I can't take the yelling anymore. Are you guys sure you are alright with me staying with you?"
Lex started helping me pack bags as her mom said, "Of course we are sure. We want you to be safe, and want to be able to give you the help you deserve."
After we got my stuff that I absolutely needed packed up we headed to Lex and her mom's house just in time for dinner. I know something as small as that might not seem like a lot to most people but to me, a home cooked meal with everyone sitting together and not fighting meant so much to me. And that my friends, was the very start of my story and maybe one day I will be able to share the rest with you.
But for now, this all I have to tell and I must bid you good day. Also must say this, if at anytime you aren't okay but feel you have to ask like you are please get referred for help. One day, one day soon things do get better. If things aren't better it isn't the end.
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