There was once a small kingdom, called by its inhabitants Eratilliouisia - a name which meant “Diddlybop” in the native language. In approximately the center of the kingdom, there rose a large hill bare of any trees. Atop the hill stood a grand castle, made out of stone. Its roof was of gold, and the four towers on the corners of the castle were each crowned with emeralds. Every evening as the sun set, the castle shone in the golden light. The people for miles around would see it sparkling, and they would say: “Surely, there is no more magnificent castle than ours in the whole wide world.”
However, the people of Diddlybop prided themselves upon more than the riches of the kingdom. It was said that of all the countries, they had the least criminals. This was, perhaps, because they gave the death sentence to any and all who had broken the law. Murder, theft, insurrection, refusing to pay taxes, missing work in the morning, or taking swimming lessons all had the same dire consequences. It was no wonder that they had a reputation for being just!
The means of execution was simple. All prisoners were held in the castle dungeon. On the day scheduled for their death, they were taken to the eastern tower. The guards lead them up a long, winding set of stairs, and through a door. There they saw the king himself, sitting behind a desk, with a stack of papers in front of him. He gave them a chance to prove themselves innocent. If they succeeded in such a difficult task, they were taken back down and released; but if they failed, as more often than not was the case, they were given a hearty handshake, and congratulated on their return to freedom.
Though confused, the offenders would be overjoyed that somehow they managed to evade punishment. It was then a simple matter to tell them to go out the door on the left. With many smiles and professions of gratitude, the delighted men would all but run to the door. Swinging it open, they would skip out - only to find themselves falling through the air. At the end of the day, the servants would clean up the bodies.
Afterwards, the king and guards would laugh heartily, and the king would retire through the door on the right to his bedchambers. He was so devoted to the cause of justice that he had ordered a bedroom to be attached the the execution room, so as to be close to it as possible. In the morning he would leap out of bed and rush to the desk, and it was his goal to execute as many in the day as possible. When the sun went down, he would yawn and head back to his room. He rarely ever left the tower, and he had not gone outside in two years. He was admired by all and commended to the young citizens as an example of a good and just man.
**
It so happened that one day the king was sitting at his desk, finishing off his breakfast of scrambled eggs, toast, and bacon. Wiping his mouth with his napkin to hide a chuckle, he handed the certificate of pardon to the man standing in front of him. They shook hands, and the man turned to the door, profusely thanking him. The king nodded, and lifted a glass to his lips. The man opened the door and stepped out.
“Wha-” he said as the air gave way beneath him. The king choked on his drink, and the two guards rushed to assist him. Getting a hold of himself and setting his glass back on the table, the king motioned for the next prisoner to be brought into the room. A guard opened the door, and led in a tall, burly man.
“Now, what is your name?” The king asked him. The man replied, “Pickle Snow.”
“Snow…” the king muttered, searching through his papers. After a while, he looked up again. “I can’t find your name.” he said. “What crime did you commit?”
“W-what?” Pickle stuttered. “Nothing, your highness.”
“That’s what they all say.” The king rolled his eyes. “Hey, guard, what crime did this man commit?”
“Umm, sir,” the guard replied, “Nothing at all. He is the moat builder.”
“Well why didn’t he say so!” The king glared at Pickle. “What are you doing here, anyway?”
“I came to tell you that the moat is completed. You castle is safe from intrusion.”
“Okay, good. You may leave.” The king motioned towards the door. Pickle went towards it and stepped out. “Yes, your high- ahhhhh!”
“Hmm?” The king looked mildly surprised. “Oh, he went out the wrong door. He was annoying anyway. Bring in the next.”
**
A prisoner was brought in. The king asked him: “What is your name?” The prisoner replied, “Will Helm.”
“Helm…” The king said, searching through the papers in front of him. “Ahh, here it is. Your first name is William?” Will confirmed this.
“Let me see here. Hmm… your crime is taking swimming lessons. Funny; the previous guy had committed the same offense. So, will you deny this charge?”
“No, I will not.” Will said firmly.
“Really?” The king said, raising an eyebrow. “Well, that makes it easier. I sentence you to death by execution.”
Will received the news without any change of countenance. The king was a little upset. His main source of amusement was from these executions, and he wasn’t getting any from this case. The only chance left for any was deceiving the man, like all the others, into believing he was going to be set free.
“Well then, since you’re such a brave and handsome man, I’ll let you go. But if you commit one more crime, you’ll be put to death. Here, guard, show the fellow the way out.”
The door was opened, and the man walked out. He made no sound as he fell.
“This is getting rather boring.” The king remarked. The next man came in.
“Your name?” the king asked him impatiently.
“Fignard Newton, sir.” He said.
“Fignard… huh. Your crime is giving swimming lessons to Will Helm and Wicker Buskit. No need to bother denying it - Will over there already confirmed it. Ahh, well, I’ll forgive you anyway. In fact, you can go swimming right now.”
Fignard’s face, which had been gloomy, brightened up instantly. “Really, sir? Oh thank you! Thank you!”
“Just go out that door.” Said the king, motioning to the right. Fignard ran over and opened the door. A confused expression instantly appeared on his face.
“Um, sir?” he said, turning to the king. “There’s nothing but a bedroom in here.”
“What?” exclaimed the king. “Oh right, sorry. Wrong door. Go out that door over there.”
Fignard obeyed his command, and the king sent for the next offender.
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**
As the day went on, he was surprised to see that everyone was being prosecuted for nearly the same offense. One man had taught his son how to swim. Another had been caught when he fell out of a boat but didn’t drown. A guy named Fishy had saved another man’s life when he was attacked by a shark. Jumping into the water, he displayed excellent swimming ability when he fought the shark singlehandedly and won. A thin nosed professor had told his best friend that he was swimming in paperwork. A young lady blushed when the king found that she had been spying on Will’s swimming lessons, but she protested he had only been taking a bath, and then blushed even more. All in all, the king had a very amusing day. It was so amusing, in fact, that neither he nor anyone else noticed what was happening on the outside of the castle.
**
When Wicker Buskit stepped out the door, he was instantly aware of the fact that he wasn’t where the king said he would be. Reacting quickly, he grabbed on a little ledge right underneath of the door. All his swimming lessons had made him very strong, and he held on with a tight grip. Another man stepped out. He wasn’t so lucky, and he fell down into the moat. A few minutes passed, and Will Helm was pushed out the door.
Will had intended to grab onto the ledge, but when he saw another man hanging from it, he wasn’t quite sure what to do. He ended up grabbing onto Wicker’s leg. “Hello, old friend.” He said. “I guess you were sentenced as well.”
“Yep.” Wicker replied. “This isn’t quite the death I had expected, though. I think I can hold on a little longer.”
“Please do that.” Will said.
A while later, Fignard joined them. He wasn’t as quick to react as the first two had been, and he had jumped out with a lot of force, but he just barely managed to reach Will’s ankle.
“I see you two are hanging out,” he joked with a wheezy voice. “Care if I join you?”
As time passed, more and more joined them. If anyone had looked at that side of the castle, they would have seen a growing line of people hanging out of the tower. The last person to fall out was a girl Will thought he recognized. It was a girl from his village named Tammy Bumpkin. He suddenly remembered that the last time he saw her was when he was taking swimming lessons - no - when he was taking a bath in the river! His face turned red at the memory.
“Umm.” He said, nervously. “Wicker, how much longer do you plan on holding on here? I don’t think we were sentenced to death by hanging.”
“We’ll die by a hundred other ways if I let go!” shouted Wicker angrily. “I can’t believe you can’t see that.”
“Not so loud, please.” Will begged, glancing down at Tammy. “There’s a girl down there.”
Wicker glanced down, and saw a crocodile looking hungrily up at him. “Oh no.” he gasped, thinking Will was talking about the crocodile. “Do females eat more than males?”
“How could I know?” Will whispered.
“She does looks pretty nasty.” Wicker thought out loud.
“Don’t say that!” Will exclaimed angrily. ‘She’s the prettiest one I’ve ever seen.”
“Seriously? They all look ugly to me.” Wicker muttered, wishing his arms didn’t ache so much.
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**
The door opened, and a rather fat man stepped out. Tammy paled, and prayed furiously that he wouldn’t grab onto her. Luckily for her, he fell right past her and landed on top of the female crocodile, who had been about to snap at her feet. Tammy noticed how close she was to the water. If she let go, maybe she would be able to land in it without getting hurt, and swim over to the shore. Just then, she heard thunder. Looking up, she saw that rain was beginning to fall.
“Sorry to throw cold water on your party,” she shouted up at the others, “but it looks like the weather is about get worse!”
“Party?” asked Fignard excitedly, “I wish I had brought cake!”
“Hey! I brought cake!” Shouted Wicker, reaching for his pocket.
“Who brings cake to their execution?” Will lifted an eyebrow. “Wait, Wicker - don’t!” He yelled too late, as Wicker put his hands into his pocket to get the cake, letting go of the ledge. “Ahhhhh!” he screamed as they all fell.
**
That evening, the king sat at his desk, going through the bills. “Who would have known the moat would cost so much?” He muttered. An urgent knock sounded at the door.
“Come on in.” He said loudly. A guard entered.
“S-sir!” he panted, out of breath.
“What is it now?” The king asked.
“All the prisoners that we executed today…” he bent over, gasping for breath. The king looked impatient. “What about them?”
“They - they fell in the moat!” The king looked extremely alarmed. “Curse that moat!” He yelled, but calmed himself. “Oh well. Not too much damage could have been done. How many of them could swim?”
“All of them, sir.”
“Darn it! Which ones evaded the crocodiles?”
“All of them, sir.”
“Hades! How many escaped?”
“Sir, all of them.”
“How many of the guards are following them now?”
“All of them.”
“Which way did they go at the crossroads?”
“All of them, sir.”
The king’s face turned a deadly white.
“How? How could you have let them? You shall be punished severely.” He stood up, fuming, and grabbed him. The guard struggled, but he could not escape the iron grip. The king pulled him over to one of the doors. “You DO know which door this is, right?” He asked coldly.
“Yes, s-sir,” the guard stuttered.
“Do you want to go through it?”
“N-no! Please, sir, not at all!”
“Well that’s just too bad.” The king, said, grinning like a madman. “Those who let others escape justice will just have to undergo the punishment themselves.” He opened the door, and despite the guard’s screams, he pushed him out, and slammed it shut again. As though it would further ensure his doom, he took out a key and locked it.
Turning back into the room, he sighed. He looked at the pile of papers. “I’ll take care of them tomorrow.” He told himself. Taking his nightcap off of his desk, he put it on his head. He had never bothered to take off his pajamas that morning, so he was already set for bed. He yawned. “Such a tiresome day. I’m going to bed.” He said to no one in particular. He walked to the other side of the room, snuffed out his candle and went through the door.
“Wha-” he said.
**
The guard opened his eyes, slowly. It was very dark, and he blinked rapidly. “Am I underwater?” He thought. A faint light came from somewhere, and as his eyes adjusted to the dark, he gasped. He was not outside, in the moat, on the ground, or on the ledge just outside the door. He was in the king’s own bedroom. So he curled up on the large soft bed, pulled up the golden quilts, and went to sleep.
**
Outside the castle, a peasant was leading his cows home. The night was dark and windy. Rain poured down around him. As he pulled his cloak closer around him, he thought he heard a faint scream. A splash followed afterwards. “Oh, it must have been the king executing someone.” He shrugged, and continued on his way.
