“How am I looking?”
I placed my phone against the wall and backed up to show my brother my outfit. He laughed over our video chat and said to me, “Yes, Maddi. That’s perfect. Now hurry up and get into the city! The band hasn’t seen you in forever.”
“Well that’s because you’ve been so busy touring for the past, oh I don’t know, two years? I haven’t even seen you in forever!”
He stuck his tongue out to me. “I came home for Christmas both times, and in between tours! Don’t give me that shit and get the hell down here!”
I rolled my eyes and laughed. “See ya soon, Tristan.”
I ended the call and put my phone in my bag. I was finally seeing my brother for the first time in at least six months. I loved seeing Tristan; the two of us were extremely similar but different enough that we didn’t clash or butt heads. We were best friends, and I wouldn’t trade that in for the world. He was three years older than me—I being eighteen, he being twenty-one—yet we both acted as if we were seven with each other. He was my brother, best friend, and the guy who is never around because of his band, Ashtray.
Ashtray was a rock band that formed back when the boys were all in high school. There were five of them in total: Tristan, my brother, who was the singer, Andy, the lead guitar, Kale, the rhythm guitar, Henry, the bass player, and then Dallas, their drummer. Tristan and Andy had been friends since kindergarten and grew up together learning music. By middle school the two of them were jamming to themselves, when they became friends with Kale and Henry. Dallas didn’t move to New York until the summer going into freshman year, and once they met him, it was fate. They all joined together and created a band.
The name Ashtray, however, originated because during their first rehearsal, Andy jumped and came crashing down on the table near them. And on that table was a simple little bowl that I actually made for my mom but my dad ended up using it as his ashtray whenever he had to smoke outside. That whole time they always messed around with Andy, yelling at him because he “broke the damn ashtray.” And it stuck. From the first rehearsal, when they decided that they officially wanted to become a band, they wanted to be called Ashtray. Also because now they smoke all the time and the band uses one ashtray that I conveniently made for them my junior year. It was only fitting that I made it; I mean, they broke the original one, which I had also created.
But anyways, seven years down the road from there and Ashtray had really built a name for itself and I couldn’t have been more proud of them all. This is something they all wanted when they realized how much they loved performing in front of people, telling corny jokes into the microphone and just doing what they love with the people they love. They were literally living their modern American dream, and I couldn’t have been happier for them.
I missed seeing my brother all the time though. So seeing this show meant more to me than a lot of other things. It also meant it was one of the last few times I’d be seeing my brother before I went off to school out in the Mid West. It’s the summer before my first year at Indiana University and I could not be more afraid. And I didn’t know how I was going to spend my summer. I didn’t get a job and I had no interest in getting one, and of course I could spend it with my friends but most of them were working and were going away or doing a summer semester. I generally was going to be by myself here and I was already not looking forward to it.
I made my way to the train station (I lived down the street from it) and waited an impatient twenty minutes for the train to finally arrived. And when it did, it was extremely full and I was stuck sitting in between a sleeping bald man and an Asian boy blasting techno music. And it was a long, painful thirty minutes to finally get to the city. My mind drifted into thoughts of finally seeing my brother’s band play, and then it drifted to actually seeing my brother again and being the happiest person in the world for a little bit. When we finally pulled into Grand Central, I practically shoved my way past everyone because I needed to get to the venue. I walked with all of the other fast-paced walkers of New York to finally get myself out onto 42nd street. I waited on the cab line (because y’know, those are a thing now) and finally got myself into one.
And finally everything slowed down just a little bit.
The taxi driver didn’t turn to look at me. He looked directly in front of him and asked, “Where to?”
“Do you know where Terminal 5 is?”
He nodded a few times and said, “Yes I do” and he pulled off from the curb and began to drive.
He put on the radio and some overplayed Iggy song started blasting through, but that didn’t dull my mood at all. I bopped my head to the song while staring out at the beautiful buildings of New York City. I stared at the scary and wonderful parts of it and all I could wonder how I decided to leave it this coming fall.
This fall I was starting my first year at college and, unlike a lot of my friends, I decided to do it away from home. A lot of my friends were studying at schools in New York or nearby, like Hunter or Hofstra or even Rutgers. But I decided to take my talents elsewhere and went to a university that wasn’t extremely common with my peers. Indiana University had always peaked my interest, but now I was actually going to be attending.
Now the common question I get is “why there?” Like my brother, I’m a bit of an artsy child. I love to sing and play my guitar but I decided that, unlike my brother, I wasn’t going to go anywhere with it. And I knew that and I was very, very okay with that. But I also liked to talk. And I could also be very convincing when I talked. And I knew and understood the way people thought and why people liked certain things and why they didn’t and why certain things made people happy or sad. And I decided to take that and put it into marketing. And as a straight admit into the Kelley School of Business, which was ranked seventh in the nation for their marketing program, traveling out to Bloomington didn’t seem like a bad choice.
But I was going there by myself and that terrified me. I was independent, sure, but that was because I chose to be. Like my parents were always there for a safety net but I chose not to use it. But now I was going into a completely different part of the country and that safety net isn’t going to be there anymore because my parents were going to still be here in New York and I was going to be out in Indiana. And Tristan said he’d try his best to make it towards Bloomington but he couldn’t guarantee anything; a lot of those types of things (tour dates, location, etc.) went through his tour manager, not him. He obviously told me he’d try his best to get his two cents in but as much as he wanted to say he could promise me that, he couldn’t. And I understood. I would rather him be honest with me than tell me that he could and never does. That would’ve broken my heart even more.
“We’re here.”
I looked to see the cab driver’s stink face glaring into me. Assuming we had been sitting on the side of the street for quite a few awkward seconds now as he tried to get me out of my daze, I jumped and fumbled my bag to try and pull out my wallet and some cash. I finally fingered out some singles and some fives and shoved it in his direction, and before he could properly count it all I said, “Thanks!” and made my way out of the car without a second thought.
And on the other side of the road, there was the theater; it was as run down as the buildings surrounding it but on the inside I knew it was home. I had seen a lot of bands and musicians in Terminal 5, of all sorts—My Chemical Romance, Fun., even Avicii—and so I knew that each experience was a little different, but there was something about this venue that brought everyone a little bit closer together.
I went to the side door and the bouncer almost stopped me. It was bright daylight and he looked at me, confused, because I mean, what did some teenage girl think she was doing?
“No no,” I smiled. I quickly went through my bag again and pulled out my ID. “I should be on your list. I’m Maddi Hill. The lead singer’s sister.”
He stared at the card for a few seconds, then at me for a few seconds, and then turned around to the door and peeked his head through. I heard his deep voice call for someone else, as they mumbled a few things to each other, before the bald, short man turned around to me and waved me inside. I stopped holding my breath and smiled and walked past him.
“Thank you!” I squeaked politely at him, and he flashed me a nice grin.
I got inside and there was another bouncer on this side of the door, this one a lot larger. He had fat lips and tiny eyes that were like pebbles. I stared up at him because there were just a lot of tables and music equipment and people moving around with wires hanging from their ears and shirts. I was confused and he could tell.
“The band should be that way,” he pointed to the right, and I just smiled at him and said thanks as I made my way past.
I went down a long, well-lit hallway before finally stopping in front of a door that had ASHTRAY written across it in Sharpie marker. I pressed my ear to the door and heard someone let out a large cackle, some people moving around, as well as someone fingering the bass. They were all inside. And my heart dropped a little bit, knowing that just a white wooden door separated my brother and I.
I knocked on the door hesitantly, before hearing some shuffling around and some more laughs amongst the group. I took a step back and waited impatiently for whoever was going to answer the door. And the door swung open, and the exact person who I was looking for was on the other side.
His eyes widened to match his smile and he screamed, “Maddi!”
Before I could even say his name back, he dove in and hugged my waist and lifted me up. “Tristan! Put me down!”
“You’re finally here!” He didn’t listen to me. I didn’t totally care. I hugged him back and smiled because I was just so happy to see my best friend again.
He put me down and I finally was able to walk into the tiny little dressing room. There were popcorn kernels all over the floor and bottles of beer lying around, some of them not even fully finished yet.
“Maddi’s here!” Tristan cheered.
They all said hi to me and I smiled back at them. They all looked happier than ever, even with their already frazzled hair and almost out-of-control beards. I scanned each one of them quickly, matching names and faces for the first time in two years.
First I saw Dallas Reed. He had messy dark brown hair and brown eyes. I remember he had just turned twenty years old, and so he was growing in a beard and a mustache and it was actually working for him. I then saw Kale Crawford, with his usual tan skin, and the same dark brown hair and brown eyes. He had some stubble but you could tell he was keeping up with keeping it trimmed, because his hair was not as long as anyone else’s. He was twenty also. And then there was Andy Cox, with his shaggy, dirty blonde hair and blue eyes. He was holding a beer in hand (well, they all were) but he was twenty-one, just like my brother. And so was the last one down the line, Henry Bell. He had bright blonde hair and blue eyes. This guy really smokes (well, all of them do), but Henry especially. And he’s always looking to puff somewhere.
“Hey everyone!” I smiled cheerfully.
Immediately, Dallas stood up and gave me a huge hug. I was taken aback by it because, well, I hadn’t seen him in so long. I was never that close with the band so this kind of affection from Dallas was weird. Sure I saw him a lot when we were younger but I obviously drifted from them all when they started touring a lot.
“Uh… hey Dallas?” I questioned.
“Maddi, it’s so nice seeing you.”
I looked at Tristan, extremely confused. He just chuckled. “No one has seen their families in forever. He warned me he’d do this.”
“I just miss my family too, y’know?” Dallas started to fake cry. “Nah but really I miss them. So just hug me back.”
I laughed and gave him a nice hug in return, because I could tell he needed it. He squeezed me close and I just took it all in, even though he was starting to hurt my spine a bit. He finally released me and I found some actual tears on his face, but he just gave me dagger eyes and I didn’t say anything. He sat back down and took another beer and a smoke and had Kale light him up as he took a swig.
“So Maddi, what’ve you been up to?” Andy asked me. “You’re all grown up and shit, this is incredible.”
I smiled. Andy wrote a lot of the band’s songs, so hearing him just say “you’re all grown up and shit” is just a way with words coming from his mouth. I said, “I actually…I actually just graduated high school.”
“What?” Henry screamed. “So not only are you an adult, but you’re a college bound adult? Holy shit! Get her a beer. We need to celebrate her academic achievements.”
“You mean the ones you never completed?” Kale chipped in.
“Hey, assface,” Henry threw a pillow at him. “Shut up and get her one, will you?”
“Guys, probably not the best idea to be encouraging my baby sister to drink when she’s not even legal,” Tristan tried to play the overprotective brother on this one, except when he was home for the holidays we always drank together. It was nothing for the two of us. He just didn’t want me drinking around his ‘boys.’
“Shut up,” Henry said. “She’s fine.”
Kale came up and handed me a beer. He smiled at me and I smiled back. Kale and I were never very close but he was such a sweetheart with the smiles he threw around. He went back to his seat and I took a swig of the beer. It tasted so good against my teeth; it stung on my taste buds with warmth and pleasure.
“So, what’re the plans then?” Andy wondered. “Y’know, obviously going to tear up this summer and whatnot. But this fall, where’re you headed?”
I was always proud to say this. I tried not to sound too proud, but I couldn’t help but be happy with where I was going. “Indiana University, I got into the Kelley School of Business.”
“I’ll cheer to that,” Tristan held up his beer. “For my smartass sister, making us all look bad.”
Everyone held up their beers, including myself, and took a nice chug. It felt so good. I hadn’t had something to drink in forever, just because I was so in my studies this past semester with trying to keep up the grades to make sure Kelley didn’t rescind my application. College is already stressful and I’m not even there.
“Hey,” I turned to Tristan, the thought of college now in our minds. “Can I talk to you real quick?”
Tristan stared at me, and already knew the look in my eyes. I was serious, and I guess I must’ve looked scared because he mirrored my face and that was the look he gave me. Terrified. “Yeah, of course.”
The two of us swung around the corner of the dressing room and just stood in the hallway and stared at each other. He looked at me, concerned, because he could tell there was something wrong and something bothering me. He looked right through me and whispered lowly, “Mads, what’s wrong?”
“I don’t know what to do,” I said immediately, already feeling my throat closing and the tears rising. “I tried talking to Mom about it but she won’t listen to me.”
“What’re you talking about?”
“It’s weird and kind of stupid.”
“Nothing you say is stupid, Maddi. What is it?”
I sighed, trying to push back the tears that were already lining my eyes. I then said with a husky voice, “This is my last summer before I go off to school. And everyone’s going to be here and I’m going away and that scares the living crap out of me. And all of my friend’s are either going on vacation with their families or working and I don’t want to sit at home and do nothing to only go away and be stranded out in Bloomington by myself.”
“You’re not stranded out there…”
“…And I feel like once I get there I’m going to lose contact with everyone. And I just wish either we were going on a vacation or I had a job or something so it felt like I was doing at least something with my summer before I go up to bumblefuck, Indiana. I mean, do you see where I’m coming from? I’m going to be sitting at home by myself to then be sitting in Indiana by myself. I want to do something with my summer but I don’t know what to do. It’s too late.”
“It’s never too late…”
“It is though. I can’t do some student study abroad thing because those were set in stone ages ago. It’s too late for me to even sign up for summer enrollment and take summer classes. I can’t start anything and I’m frustrated that I’m stuck here while everyone is out doing something productive with their time.”
He immediately pulled me into a hug. I tried not to cry; it all seemed way too silly to be sad over. But I couldn’t help it. I hated feeling like a waste of space, and this summer I was going to be that. I was just going to be doing nothing before school, and then I was going to go full force into it and miss everyone from back home. I couldn’t do that to myself, it was already painful enough.
“Maddi, I’m telling you now that you’re going to have a kickass summer. I can promise you that.”
I sighed. He pulled back and he smiled at me. “Look, I have to go back. We have sound check soon. But I expect to see you right in front of the barricade, right?”
I looked at my brother smugly. My first grin in the conversation and, like he always does, he mirrored it back at me. “It’s a pretty thin gap between the barricade and the stage, T.”
“Well, how else are people supposed to stage dive? How else am I supposed to stage dive?”
I couldn’t help but laugh and I shoved his shoulder. He always managed to put me in a better mood. He pulled me into another hug and kissed the top of my head. He was a good big brother; I couldn’t deny that.
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“What’s up everyone!”
The crowd cheered as the lights sparked on the five band members on the stage. I had hands hitting the back of my head but I tried my best to ignore it. I held my camera close to me just in case one of them managed to whack it from my grip. That would be my biggest nightmare right there.
“We’re Ashtray from right here in good ole New York.”
The crowd screamed once again, my eardrums practically bursting. I forgot how rough these concerts got when you had the entire crowd behind you. I couldn’t imagine being in the middle of it. There would be pits there all night, that’s for sure.
“It’s so good to see all of your beautiful faces again tonight. We’ve had a long tour and finishing up back home is a dream for us. So tonight, we’re going to start you off with an older song, if that’s okay with you guys.”
Kale immediately started strumming the chords to Breathe, one of the songs off of their very first album. It was not their biggest song but definitely a fan favorite, because immediately once the tune was recognized the crowd went wild again. And then the crowd surfers happened.
I ducked my head as bodyguards galore were grappling for girls and guys of all ages and sizes from riding the wave of the crowd. They were thrown practically on top of me but they didn’t even realize, because they had a chunky wide smile slapped across their cheeks and they ran around to (most likely) do it again. And that was the joy of these concerts: was feeling the freedom to throw yourself on top of others, to trust these random people that you know you can trust because this one band has brought you all under the same roof, and to run around as if the venue is your playground and the band is the soundtrack of your life. That’s what Ashtray did to people. They made people feel alive. From fourteen to nearly twenty-five, people tore apart whatever building they were put under and made it an adult playpen. And everyone loved it, bruises and all.
The crowd sat down during Wishing Well, their most popular slow song where just Tristan and Kale were on stage. Immediately Tristan laughed at the sight, seeing everyone sit together holding hands or arms over each other’s shoulders phone flashlights held in the air. He said, “You guys are absolutely ridiculous. I fucking love each and every one of you” and he began the song that the entire crowd sang back to him. They sounded like a church choir, and while clearly not everyone in the crowd was a top-notch singer, together, singing with all of their heart, they were. They sang Ashtray’s lyrics right back to them and, like every concert of theirs I’ve seen, it’s the most beautiful thing in the world.
The end of the show was near and I was looking through some shots I took of the band. I had some good solo shots of all of them, as well as some action shots of some of the guys jumping in the air or their hair whipping around. You could even see beads of sweat flying off their foreheads if you looked closely enough.
“I want to thank all of you for coming out tonight. It really is such an honor and I think this is the best show we’ve ever played back home.”
The crowd roared.
“Now you all better get your phones out because I’ve got news and I’m relying on you guys to spread it okay?”
The crowd cheered again, as phone screens and camera flashes were popping up out of the sea of people.
“Ashtray is falling off the grid this summer. We’re going to be on our own… to write our next album!”
Wait, what? I wondered, my head snapping upwards to see my brother’s glistening face staring out at the crowd. New album?
“Yup, that’s right, folks. The boys and me are going off on our own to write some new music for you guys to enjoy. However, last minute change of plans came up. While it was originally just going to be the five of us, we decided backstage that another special member was going to be coming with us as well.”
And that was when Tristan’s eyes locked with my own. And my stomach dropped to my feet. Tristan’s eyes went back out into the crowd, only for my eyes to be staring straight at his pointer finger, because I was in its line of fire.
“For anyone that can see her—which is probably only the front row—down there is Maddi. She’s my younger sister. My sister is one amazing ass person; she’s smart and a role model to so many. She’s going to an amazing college in the fall and for that, we owe her a summer worth remembering. Give it up for her!”
And the crowd cheered once again. I turned around to see the eyes of strangers smiling at me and screaming in my face. I was mortified yet heart warmed. I turned around back to my brother and he was still smiling down at me.
What the hell did you sign me up for, Tristan?
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