MELANCHOLY; It's a word that can pretty much describe anything. From depression to sorrow to gloominess. I'm pretty much facing all of the above. I don't want to feel this way. It just...kinda happens. I'm facing so much in my life but the biggest thing i'm facing is an eating disorder. Now, I know that it seems crazy for a guy like me to be facing such an eating disorder. I'm not saying that eating disorders like anorexia is mainly aimed at for girls but you just don't see that many guys facing it. Most guys my age want to bulk up and get bigger. Not me. I want to lose weight and get skinnier. The reason for that is terribly complicated. Despite having best friends in middle school, I was also teased for my appearance. People teased me because of how I looked. They called me... UGLY. Not only that but all sorts of names like:
FA**T
PANSY
FRUIT
COW
PIG
Things like that. In middle school, I wouldn't say I was hugely overweight but I DID put on a couple pounds here and there and I didn't even care because I loved food. I didn't eat because I was being bullied. I ate because I loved food. But ever since the bullying wouldn't stop, I decided to stop eating altogether. At first I just ate healthy food but then I felt like I wasn't getting skinnier any faster so I decided to quit eating altogether and it worked because in no time, I lost a lot of weight. Now, instead of being severely overweight, i'm severely underweight. My mom took me to the doctor and the doctor told me that I need to start eating. Ever since that doctor visit, my mom has been forcing food down my throat. She still kinda bugs me about eating but not as much anymore ever since I lied and told her that I eat at school.
Now instead of being the ugly fat cow, i'm the ugly fat skinny dude at school. I'm literately so skinny that you can now see my bones when I take my clothes off. That's why during gym, I always try to wear a long sleeve shirt or a hoodie to cover up my hideous body. Nobody really says anything then but I still feel like people talk about me behind my back. When I look at myself in the mirror, I don't see a cute boy with jet black hair, green eyes and a fit body. Instead, I see a boy with a ridiculously skinny body and pale skin tone. There are plenty of other stuff i'm going through but it hurts to talk about them to myself or to anybody.
I thought that today was going to be like any other day until my mom came home and told me she lost her job.
"I don't know what to do, Ronnie. I don't have enough money to go to the store and buy food and you NEED to eat." My mom told me as she sat down at the dining room table in our apartment.
"Can't you just...get another job?" I said to her as I sat next to her and grabbed her hand to hold it.
"I can but it'll take awhile. I'm not even sure how i'm going to pay the bills for this month." She sighed.
I watched my mom's face. She looks more tired than usual. I can see wrinkles and bags under her eyes and my mom is only thirty-five.
"I doubt your father would want to give up any money for food and bills. You know he spends all his money on drinking and playing poker."
I nodded then squeezed my mom's hand tightly. "We'll get through this. I still eat at school. If you want, I can bring back some extra food for you to eat?" I suggested.
My mom shook her head. "Don't worry about me. I need to lose a little bit of weight anyways."
I blinked my eyes in horror. I really didn't want my mom to stop eating so she can lose weight. It's bad enough that i'm going through this HIDEOUS disorder. I don't want anybody else to go through this like I am.
"I'll find a way to get you some food." I assured her.
Even if it means I steal, I thought.
"I'm going out." I said, standing up.
"Where are you going?" Mom asked.
"Just out to clear my head. I'll be back later. Take care." I said then kissed my mom's forehead.
I grabbed my black jacket from my room and left the apartment. I wasn't sure where i'm going but I just need to GET OUT. I started to walk and I didn't stop walking till I reached the food market. I walked in and looked around at the thousands of boxes of food. I needed something that was small but could fill my mom's belly up for the night. I also need something that doesn't require you to put on a plate or bowl. Most of the dishes in our house aren't clean. My mom has been stressing to my dad that he needs to help clean the house since it's difficult for her to do it every single day with work and all.
That's when I saw the tv dinner trays. They were food that already came in a plastic black tray that you can just pop into the microwave. Plus, the box is small enough to sneak under my jacket. I'm not really a fan of stealing but this is important. I can't have my mom starving. And if I get caught, I just hope that whoever the manager is will understand. Sure, stealing is stealing but hopefully he'll understand the situation i'm in.
I looked around me to make sure nobody is watching then I looked towards the ceiling to make sure there weren't any cameras around before I started to grab a few boxes of microwavable dinner. I grabbed one that was mashed potatoes and steak, another that had meatballs and ect. I would say I grabbed about five boxes that were able to fit under my jacket. Though, they poked out and made me look fat. That's when I had to remind myself that this is reality and that i'm not actually fat. I just have dinner under my jacket that is making me look fat.
"I'm not fat...It's just dinner boxes. Just...dinner boxes." I took a couple deep breaths then started to make my way towards the front.
I tried not to look around because people will know something is up if you look suspicious. I walked and walked and didn't stop walking till I walked through the doors of the store. I let out a sigh of relief as I didn't set of the alarm. I smiled to myself and started to make my way towards home. When I got there, I called out to my mom.
"Mom! I'm home!" I said as I walked over to the dining room table and set the boxes down.
"Mom!" I called out again. That's when my dad emerged from the darkness. It's dark because it's already eight pm.
"Hey, kiddo. How was school today?" He asked as he approached me. I slowly backed up.
"What is to you?" I asked, suspiciously.
"I just want to know how my baby boy is doing in school." He replied.
"W-where's mom?" I asked.
"She's asleep right now." Dad said as he continued to walk up to me, slowly.
I felt myself backing all the way up to a nearby wall.
"I...I have homework to do." I quickly said then tried to move around my dad when he grabbed my arm and pulled me to the ground.
"Ah!" I shouted.
"Shh. Shh. Don't need to wake your mother." He placed his hand on my mouth.
I struggled to get out of his grasp and struggled to shout through his hand.
"Shh. Promise me you'll be quiet for daddy?"
I stared at my dad and nodded.
"Good. Now get up." He said as he took his hand from my mouth and pulled me up to my feet.
Dad dragged me all the way to my room and pushed me inside. He walked in and closed the door behind him then locked it.
"D-dad...please...not now." I pleaded.
"Why? You don't want to be with your dear old dad?" He asked as he approached me and pushed me onto my bed.
I tried to get up but he held my body down and got ontop of me.
"STOP!" I shouted. He slapped me.
"You promised to be quiet."
I whimpered as I stared up at him.
"Just be quiet. Can you do that for me please?"
"B-but..."
"Shh." He said then roughly pressed his lips against mine.
I started to smell the scent of alcohol and when he forced his tongue in my mouth, I started to taste the slimy taste of alcohol and cigars. Eventually, my dad pulled away. I really wanted to rinse my mouth out with soap now.
"Shh. Just stay quiet. It'll be rude to wake your mother up right?" He said as he started to zip down my jacket.
Honestly, I didn't want to wake my mom up because she deserved the rest after what happened with her at work. But I needed to find a way to escape my dad. Either to distract him or something.
"D-don't you need something? Like...I dunno...A condom or something?"
My dad stopped undressing me and gave what I said some thought. "You're right. I'll be right back. You stay here okay?" He said as he got off me and left my room. I didn't waste no time with redressing myself and escaping. I decided that escaping out my window will be quieter and faster. I opened up my window and snuck out. I kept my hands on the window sill till I let myself drop on the stairs. Then, I took off running. I ran and ran and didn't stop running till I reached the town. I needed a place to stay and stay hidden but where?
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