JONESTOWN
The children don't deserve to die.
I had hope, I really did have hope, that I would find a heaven for little John and I, but the voice of the proclaimed prophet drowns my pleas for logic and the crowd has been blinded by sermons through sleep and the guns, the guns.
Jones interrupts every word I say. He says to me, 'I can tell you the answer now, because I am a prophet.' And the crowd cheers, and they say that it's over, that I'm a wicked person and that if I want to leave them all so close to glory, I can leave all I want.
I want to leave. This isn't the Jonestown I came here for. But right outside these gates, I'll be met by steel barrels, a gaping abyss from which a steel point will come rising out towards me. I know that they would pull the trigger without a second thought, that the sound of a ringing gunshot will mean nothing to the others.
Jones' eyes on me, the crowd waiting for my response. I don't have the energy to go any further resisting. 'That's all I got to say.'
Jones had been a handsome man, square-set jaw and well defined cheekbones, but not long after Jonestown he had stopped paying attention to his appearance; just a few weeks after settlement, his hair lay matted in patches against his head from dried sweat, and in other places strangled the air around his head, reaching out like the limbs of a monster hiding within that skull. The monster that does hide in there.
The speech continues, and I can't help but cry for Johnny, so sweet and so small. The others give stares of contempt, and they mutter, she is afraid to die. I wish I could tell them how they were so wrong, that I have no fear of the other side - only fear for these strangers surrounding me that had once been my closest friends.
Jones is telling us, they will come from the sky with weapons, they will torture our children and destroy this building. But it's lies that snake their way out of his mouth into the eager ears of the ignorant, and perhaps I am the only one who would see not corrupted government men, but angels descending with parachutes and uniforms.668Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5Yox47h4li
‘Please, please, can we hasten, can we hasten the medication… the congressman is dead, there’s nothing we can do now…’, people surging slowly, a wave of flesh pushing me and Johnny forward and I’m drowning in it, my child not knowing what’s going on, little Johnny pulling at my hand like a weight I can no longer carry.668Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKX6snXbbhF
And they have the drink, purple liquid sloshing around in the tubs they carry, and cups in hand, ready to give out the fatal dose. They’re coming, they’re coming for him but I can’t let him go I can’t – ‘MAMA!’ – and then, weightless.668Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡI9KOtkYw8X
Floating alone, the taste of bitter almonds and grapes in my mouth.668Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqbFLoXimcZ
‘Please, please, there’s nothing to cry about… it’s not to be feared.’668Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvNSXdxNy5V
Floating. The children are crying…
~
The congressman has to die.668Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZiE3WPcDMY
He and the traitors, I’ll shoot them, I know I will.668Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzoZ8Ns7tuO
‘I want to leave too.’ The traitors pass side eyes and worried murmurs but it’s too late for them now. I’m coming with them.668Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZ3Q2OFzCS8
‘Very well.’ The congressman, with his manners and suits and words, all lies, all lies!668Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEjufAbyv94
I’m repulsed by the filth of the people I get into the truck with. You can smell it inside them – the filth of an unloyal, a weak and cowardly piece of meat that deserves no place in Jonestown.668Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ16c5HXnDoT
I make sure to sit at the front of the truck. It’ll be easier then – in a single movement, I will draw the sharpened blade from my pocket and it will seek out the evil and stop it from destroying this holy place.668Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡt0C2tijLXR
The trees begin thinning out as if the forest itself can’t bear to come near the airfield – a feeling I share. It’ll be quick, I tell myself, and Mr. Ryan will be dead.668Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnQNyDjO5iK
snitch668Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzymr7ulGmP
swish668Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdZgY15zh3I
hick668Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFkhhlt8Jnp
umph668Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGadqfITSSu
The taste of old soil and pungent rainwater fill my mouth. I’ve failed Jones, I know I have.668Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNpgXS3Fn6K
‘…file a criminal complaint. I’ll take the others to the airstrip.’ Words, all lies, all lies!668Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡf1sY29Fd5c
Disgraceful. Metal wrapped around my arms, lodged against a trunk, jagged wood against my cheek. This other man thinks he is so superior, but when he dies, Jjara will punish him. Jjara will reward me for my good deeds, and he will reward Larry as well – this man, so clever, doesn’t know that there is another chance for me, rolling along wheels with the congressman. I will wait.668Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPcMMFOL8Nc
I close my eyes and count. One… two… three…
The sound of the man writing on a piece of paper.668Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbR0hk44G8H
Ninety six… ninety seven…668Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfdJSpR6bcx
Four hundred and fifty eight…668Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4qkK4VGIek
The sound of a plane landing nearby.668Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡj88arRy0E9
Four hundred and eighty four…668Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxaPrrrlRBV
The sound of gunshots.668Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8zEHdPMJ5z
The man starts, and I lash out with my leg, the man falling so clumsily in that suit of his with a ‘Eruh!’ that betrays all his fancy accents and musings.668Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡevAz7qVYrj
Another kick. Another kick. The man is so weak without words, and the sounds stop eventually.668Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡC4aBhrzNJI
One thousand eight hundred and thirty two.668Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡP2bruCtLbh
The plane hasn’t left. The traitors will never make it back to America.668Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJBf6w3Wt6U
Jjara smiles upon this day;668Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCRfMaCEIhj
The congressman is dead.668Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbUCgp8mGc1
Counting, counting.668Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqTgeIoUpnO
Twenty two thousand…668Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMhupFBf8kV
Forty seven thousand…
~
I am ready to die.668Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdbV3tJes9Z
‘I can tell you the answer now, because I am a prophet!’ I cheer with the others. Jones is a nice man. He has worked so very hard for us, and the woman is ungrateful for wanting to leave. This place, everything… it couldn’t have happened without the wonderful person standing in front of me.668Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJKPSN6EVAb
‘Do you think I would put John’s life above the others? If I put John’s life above the others I wouldn’t be standing with Jjara. He’s no different to me than any of the others here. He’s just one of my children.’ Jones loves us all the same, you know, and that’s what made me come here; black living with white, all sisters and brothers in unity here. Jonestown gave what America could not.668Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNOCDh21XD5
I move forward with Ted in my arms, careful not to push forward too fast. Ted was the sweetest child; and even now, he’s not crying like the others.668Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeBj3tnd7k0
I clear my throat. ‘I just want to say something to everyone that I see that is standing around and are crying. This is nothing to cry about. This is something we should all rejoice about.’ Ted gurgles lightly at the sound of my voice and I hug him close to my chest. ‘I’ve been here one year and nine months and I never felt better in my life. Not in San Francisco, but until I came to Jonestown. I enjoy this life. I had a beautiful life. I don’t see nothing that I should be crying about. We should be happy.’ And they are cheering, clapping for me and I smile at all my sisters and brothers, and Jones’ smile at me brings such joy I know Ted can feel, beating from my heart into his, so small and so close.668Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGmuquWJWft
‘I want to do it.’ I say to the man with the cup. He gives it to me, a simple plastic thing but simple is all we ever needed in life, isn’t it? It’s enough for Jonestown.668Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnTcZpDvGVl
‘Now, now, Ted…’ I gently pour the child’s drink into his mouth, pausing for every swallow and breath. Once the cup is empty, just a small stain of purple at the bottom, I take my own – a sweet and bitter taste at once, like an aged and nutty wine.668Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfv5q0TQqar
I lay down on the floor, calming words from Jones passing in one ear and out the other – the details don’t matter, just the soothing effect, and Teddy coos gently as I pat his head.668Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6vQiMoN50x
And – I don’t know if it’s the hallelujah of my brothers and sisters rising in exultation, or if it is the sweet melodious voice of Jjara himself – but I can hear the most beautiful harmony of song, a brilliant cascade of music resonating through the skies – ‘Listen, Teddy!’ Such a sweet child, he is. ‘Can’t you hear the singing?’668Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡby9z8lZtu2
I’m floating, now, rising into a spiral of stars where I’ll find for me and Ted what I came here for – peace, peace, and below me, the Jonestown trees shatter and scatter, just a kaleidoscope of leaves that once resembled a landscape being blown away until nothing is left but the view of distant galaxies and the warmth of my child.668Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4jlw9OekHO
The voice of a good man echoes softly;668Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtuaTsiCQUK
‘…you set 1000 people who say ‘We don’t like the way the world is’… I don’t know how in the world they’re gonna write about us. It’s just too late…’668Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfLWJz8FOJ1
Floating.
