The nun and the banana
It was an unwritten rule onboard the Aurora Borealis, known acutely amongst the strange crew, that even if you’re starving, you are to never touch the captain’s bananas. This was, however, always made abundantly clear to any passengers onboard No one starved onboard, of course, for the captain was fair, kind – blah, blah, blah. So, why was it, that after ferrying several passengers across the remote colonies, she was watching someone eat her god damn bananas. She sat in her chair in her private space, holding a glass of finely aged scotch, watching the thief on camera. It was a nun – or one that claimed to be anyway.
The question was, what to do, what to do? She mulled over her options. It seemed like bad cosmic karma to blow a nun out an airlock over a banana…on the other hand, the rule had been made clear and Captain Arcana went through a lot of effort for those bananas. They only grew on one outer colony now and they certainly cost a pretty penny.
As she continued to ponder the ramifications for the nun over the stolen banana the door chimed, then hissed open. Her first officer, Lyra, strode in, sharply dressed in her black uniform. She took one look at the captain, hunched forward in her seat, glass in hand and a look that probably resembled something resting between fury and amusement. Lyra’s brow furrowed.
“I take it someone didn’t listen to the rules about the banana?” She seemed unsurprised by the event, as if it was expected.
Had Lyra dared the nun? She’d done that before. Lyra had a mean streak in her but she was clever about it. Even giving the nun the prompting the decision to break the rule about the banana belonged to the nun. It was a kind of game for Lyra, a way she amused herself during the long voyages. A good captain might discourage it but there was a delicate game in maintaining moral amongst a crew of reprobates; let a little slide here, a little more there, then nip it in the bud at just the right time if necessary.
“So, what is the verdict?” Lyra studied her with a curious look, a half smile fixed on her mouth.
Arcana mused her options again. “I feel like I’m playing a game of chest against the universe. I don’t much believe in all that religious stuff but it doesn’t feel good to knock off a nun…”
“Fucking hell, never though I’d see the day you cowered against some sort of cosmic force – wasn’t it just last week you were cursing every god under the sun?” A smile split Lyra’s cheek, her eyes glittering with humour. “Why you bitching out now?”
Arcana scowled at her first officer. The irritating thing about it was that it was true. She often cursed deities, half out of a joke, half in anger. She glanced back at the camera and watched as the nun walked out of the kitchen and into the nearby hall, heading towards the recreation deck where the rest of the passengers were playing cards.
She got up, feeling pissy and restless, and strode out of the office. Lyra was quick on her heels but kept silent, even as they stepped into the mag lift and descended down to the recreation deck. Out of the lift and down the hall, past rooms and doors, until she reached the one she was after. Laughter and chatter floated through the door.
The door hissed open before her. Without missing a step she walked right up to the nun, drawing her blaster and firing. People screamed, jumped to their feet. The light beam flashed across the room, slamming into the nun’s knees. She fell to the ground, screaming, writhing on the ground as Arcana loomed over her. Around her the passengers were frozen in terror, sobbing, eyes wide. Arcana didn’t miss how Lyra had her back to her, each hand resting on the blasters holstered at her hips. She stared down at the nun, who was still sobbing, clutching at her knee, blood rapidly soaking through.
“Why did you shoot me!” She shrieked.
Oh gods, that voice is bloody annoying, thought Arcana.
“You ate my banana. I told you all the rules about the bananas.”
The nun’s eyes widened further. “You shoot me over a piece of fruit! Do you not feel god’s wrath?”
Arcana glanced at her gun, then back at the nun and shrugged. “I did consider spacing you but I figured that might be pushing the cosmic karma a bit much, you know?”
Behind her, Lyra snorted. “Wuss.”
“Anyway, this is my final warning. Don’t touch my bananas. I had to steal them from a very pissy warlord, sprint across dangerous territory and blackmail a scientist for a drug to make sure they didn’t go funky within a day. So, leave them be or I’ll blow you out into space.”
Arcana spun away and stalked out of the room, crying and terrified chatter in her wake, followed by Lyra, whom fell into step. Her first officer only spoke again when they were back in the mag lift, smiling as she did so.
“Thanks for that,” said Lyra.
Arcana glanced at her. “What?”
Lyra looked at her hand, appearing bemused, smug even. “Oh, there was a bet going. I said you’d shoot the nun after she ate the banana. Rikki was convinced you’d space her. I just want a bottle of her fine scotch she nicked from her ex after she burned his house down. I’ll share it of course.”
The frown deepened on Arcana’s face. “How’d you know it’d be the nun?”
Lyra snorted, eyes glittering conspiratorially. “I have my secrets.”
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