CHAPTER 1531Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHoblih0IT1
In my nightie, I shiver on the cold concrete steps, waiting for my mother to come home. Again. I've been here for hours now, on the stairs, thinking of her, my brother, and rage boils and bubbles inside of me. I clench my fists, tense my body. and wait, wait patiently for her to come home...531Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ013TKNqUrt
I am almost asleep when I hear the key turn in the lock. I silently run to the kitchen, my bare feet light on the ground, hide behind a chair, but I'm not frightened, never frightened of her. I consider what I am about to do, back down like the millions of times before? No, I think of my brother, gone because of my mother, our "mother", and without hesitation, I quickly, stealthily, tiptoe toward the spade. The garden spade...531Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4kbuicWXqf
In the shadows, I watch my "mother" stumble through the door. From here I see her bright pink lipstick smeared from her ugly thin lips to the hollow bones of her cheeks, I see the long tear in her dress and I see her dyed blue hair sticking up on her head. But, worse of all I can smell the foul stink of alcohol that follows her as she moves. Her eyes are closed. She is drunk; I have seen her in worse states. I close my eyes and take a breath, and then remember Lucas and wonder why I am hesitating. So then, courageous now, I clutch the fork so tight that my knuckles turn white and prepare to give my brother what he deserves: justice.
Without thinking, without even realising, I lift the spade high above my head, feeling the weight of it and not caring. I then bring it down, with a force that might break even metal, onto her head and hear an unpleasant crack, then a thud. She's dead. And I killed her.531Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfVdQmcP0gH
CHAPTER 2
I killed her. I am a murderer.531Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyMH0lQ0SRs
No, no I'm not. I did what I had to do, I did what anybody would have.
But, will the police believe that?531Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVd0BSHcBjf
My whole body shudders at the thought of the police. I hadn't thought that far ahead! Will they put me in prison, even kill me? I'll have to move away, out of London. Out of England even. I might even have to leave the planet!
I wonder if she thougt that when she killed my Lucas.
But I know that there is no time to spite her and hate her, besides: she is just a body now. So with this in mind, I grab a handful of the pink fabric covering her belly and pull her into the rotten pit that was our garden. I dump her corpse in the corner; but I can't leave it there. They will find it. 531Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZLeaj9SKqF
A hole, I need to dig a hole.
With uneven breaths I creep into our kitchen to retrieve the spade that killed her. The one that I killed her with.531Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2RxAHvnQ0G
I must not think like that. I MUST NOT THINK LIKE THAT!!
I grab the handle of the spade with shaky hands, and drag it through the back door. I didn't kill her, she killed herself. I did not kill my mother, I did not kill my mother, I did not kill my mother.
The soil in our garden is soft and uncared for, making it easy for me to dig a rectangle grave. I feel almost robotic as I push the spade into the mud, but not so unaware that I didn't notice the metal hit something hard. The clanking appears to knock me out of my daze, and I crouch down on my hands and knees to brush away the thin soil on top of an old wooden case. Why would an old case be buried so deep in my garden? 531Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzPKwO0NF2g
Puzzled, I retrieve the case from the ground and look at it for an amount of time. It smells horrid, like a dead animal. Or person.
The lock on the case is broken, so with a bit of nudging it opened. It squeaked as I pulled the lid up. I was in for a surprise.
CHAPTER 3
I would recognise Lucas' clothes anywhere, and here they were in this long case. They were covering something else, my dad's top, which was covering one of the most frightening sights I had seen in my entire life.
It was in this case that my mum kept two skeletons: my dad's and my brothers...
"Dad is away" she would say, "He is enjoying his holiday very much and he said he might not come back."
"No, you can't contact him" she told me, "He doesn't want to talk to you"
My dad. My brother.
Murdered by my only remaining family. My mother.
Was she planning to kill me too?
My eyes flicker over to Lucas, and they stay there. He was my protector, he was my only consolation. And he was also buried in my garden all this time. I hate, hate, hate, hate, hate my mum. I hate her.531Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2ya48NhbLe
This is my revenge, and for the first time since she died, I smile. Smile at her pale body, at the coldness of her skin. I am happy that she is dead, happy that she can't harm me or anyone else anymore.
Gently, I lay the clothes on top of he and daddy's bones and close the case. I then lower it back into the soil, it is lightweight and easy to carry. I have no case to put my mother in, but I have a hole.
CHAPTER 4
I pat down the soil of her grave. Their grave. It is done. She is gone. I am happy.531Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfqoNAi9Goe
Lucas would be happy too.
Wouldn't he?
I don't think he would be. No. Lucas was disgusted at mothers aggression, and his fighting to prevent it caused his death. He would be disgusted at my behavior. He would hate me. He would HATE me. I have let myself and my brother down, betrayed what I thought was right. I am just like her. Just like mother.531Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡivmcajObvq
I feel like screaming, crying, and I hate myself. I claw at my hair and my face and I feel tears like waterfalls as they run down my cheeks. I fall to my knees, making my nightie muddy , and bury my face in my hands. What have I done? Why did I do it? Because I am a stupid, immature little girl who thought she was doing right, I do not deserve to live when my oh so innocent brother is beneath my feet among the worms and bugs. My dad who I had been so close to. 531Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkeFwz5gowY
I am stupid I am stupid I am stupid I am stupid I am stupid I am stupid I am stupid I am stupid I am stupid I am stupid I am stupid I am stupid I am stupid I am stupid..........
I rock back and forth, trying to sooth the fatal temper that my mother passed on to me, but it doesn't work. It just works its way throughout my body and I scratch my face, pinch my arms in the hope that it's all a dream. A nightmare. But it isn't. I did this, I did, because I am an idiot. 531Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAHr8r3Sp6j
CHAPTER 5
I must have fallen asleep, though I'm not sure that was even possible, because I open my eyes and through wetness and tears I see that it is daytime.
I dreamt that everything was OK again, mum was (less of) an alcoholic than she was recently, Dad was sitting at the table, getting on with all of us, and Lucas was talking even to mother, while he was doing his homework. But I remember this was not a dream but a memory. This had been possible, this perfect day where life was alright. What happened?531Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡC7x4LLyU1K
I stand up, ignoring the pain in my head and the cramp in my legs, and awkwardly walk toward my mum's room. It is the only bedroom in the flat on the bottom floor, so I don't have to shuffle upstairs. The door opens with a (too) loud creaking and I feel a tingling feeling in my tummy as I walk in. My steps seem to echo and the sound appears to shadow the empty feeling in my stomach.
The room is small and painted grey, like the rest of the house. In it is a metal framed double bed, covered by a thin sheet of blanket, and dull wooden furnature dotted around. I pause, needing to catch my breath for a minute before tiptoeing in the direction of a flimsy desk, standing wonky near the corner of the room. I have to kick lipstick and clothes out of my path to reach this useless plate of wood, and when I do I notice it is like the ones at school, perhaps even the exact same model. It has a lid which you could store things in and two drawers underneath for books and spare paper. I pull open the lid with no effort to find files of paper, labeled with numerous different names. There were Timothy, Jonah, Lewis, Georgia in the first file, names of places she worked at in the second and a third file tucked write at the back, read Jamique, Lucas, Kaitlyn. Jamique was my father's name , the first one in the file, Lucas was the second, and Kaitlyn, me, in the last file. Why did mum have names for all three of us, in the back of her desk? 531Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFz1h2sgUWL
My hands feel as heavy as concrete as they get closer to dad's file. I pick it up carefully, it feels too precious for it to not be handled with care, and I carry it to mums bed where I can discover what she has been keeping that can possibly be worth creating a file about. I find numerous photos of Daddy, taken with that camera Lucas, Dad and I saved up for for her birthday. Ages ago. There is one of him smiling and one of him eating. Some of him and I playing chess and a formal one taken by his boss at his work. Overwhelming love wells up inside of me and tears fight their way out of my eyes. 531Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbqnJQc3wUa
Also in the file were documents she had kept from his work, he was a policeman, mainly of murder cases. On these were highlighted letters and words, usually weapons used and attempted cover ups. I instantly realised what this all meant, why the files had been created: mum had been planning our murders.531Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBBEbJJKt5f
CHAPTER 6531Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBes1uObtPX
I had been hoping that she hadn't wanted to harm anyone, but I was wrong. Everything was planned, every little detail. I continue to read my dad's file, and find exact dates, times, and locations. Exact weapons, exact cover ups, exact alibis. My mother had thought of everything she would do. On the 11th November 2009, she was scheduled to kill my dad with poison, it would be in a syringe, and at 3.14 pm she would insert it in a major artery in his leg, under the table at the Pigs Tale pub.531Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsc7vordAys
My brother would die in the night. On 22 January 2010, at 11.29 pm she would pull him out of bed and, with our blow up pool, drown him in freezing cold water. This would happen in the garden as 'revenge for underestimating me'.531Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6e4JUwwTGY
My throat tightens and I can barely breath. To think that he died like that, he must have been terrified! I can just see the look on his face , the stare of longing and fear, as she held his head under the water, freezing him and drowning him. I can picture the life draining out from his body, slumped against our pool that my mother threw away in February 2010. I knew she killed him, but not like this...531Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUNsIwwzwJt
I hesitantly get up and slowly walk to the desk. My file is at the back, a peach/pink piece of card covering documents of paper like the others. I pick it up and note the weight of it, lighter than my brothers and dads. My death must have required more time to plan. I make my way back to the bed, and sit down, springs digging into my rear end. Reluctantly, I put down the file and I open it...531Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡH1cjJ4SvS5
My death would have been brutal. If would be on bonfire night, I would be put in a bag and thrown into the fire to be burnt alive, allowing any spectators to believe I was a Guy Fawkes doll. I cringe at the thought and my heart rate fastens so much I think it might break my ribcage. She was going to burn me alive?! She was a disgusting woman with a sick sick soul, and I was doing her a favour by killing her.531Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdJYoTqlLO7
But this information doesn't add up at all, unlike the others. I was supposed to be killed on bonfire night... last year...531Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwiqRjTbtYT
Not comprehending, I run through the rest of the documents, but there is no confusion with dates; everything was scheduled, formally like the other two. So why am I not dead? Why am I not in the case, turning into bones, decomposing into nothingness? Why am I not with Dad or Lucas? In heaven (or hell)? 531Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOUs46KC6zI
The answer takes me a while to find, it is right at the back of the file. It is in messy, smudged handwriting, almost illegible and it was obviously written while she was in a drunken state. It reads:531Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIu9roeRVii
6. November. 2013 531Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfj9dbWRIKq
My only daughter was scheduled to be killed yesterday, but, I couldn't do it. I will pluck up the courage to do this next year as I believe all of this planning shouldn't go to waste, but for now she lives, a monument to remind me of my sins.531Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJZKgsdGOjr
This is too much to take in. My mum was capable of feelings? Real life feelings? Unbelievable. 531Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQIOXRpqHOs
CHAPTER 7531Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFXCu6oBwct
The next day, I find my Dads old laptop. It is dusty and slow, but it still works.531Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGGK5BpWhDR
It takes me a while to pinpoint the location of the police station that he worked at, but soon, I do. It is not far from home, fairly easy to walk to, so I get dressed in my dirty grey garments and my tattered brown boots and get ready.531Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrwFryZ1rAC
I know I can not make mine, or my mothers crimes any better, but I can do the right thing, like Lucas always taught me.531Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDkYlGeDuC3
When I am ready, I gather up all of the files from my mothers drawer. I carefully place them into a delicate carrier bag that I used for school, and I open the squeaky front door of our house. As I walk down the lane and open the gate, I know that I may never set foot in that house again. I don't look back...531Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEiFPn0p4sM
After around about fifteen minutes, I am confronted with a towering giant of brick and stone. It is taller than any other building I have ever seen in my life, and by instinct I back away, frightened. But I have to pull myself together, I must put things as right as I can. I cannot be like my mother was.
So I close my eyes and sigh, and, on autopilot, I walk to the enormous blue door that will lead me into the police station.
"I'm here to report a crime... well, a few actually,"
The officer gives me a look of amusement, and then chuckles to himself.
"Look kid, we have more important things to deal with than a chocolate thief!" he says and looks at his collegue behind the glass who manages a smile at his pathetic joke. He picks up the newspaper that he was reading as I came in and continues the page like I don't even exist.531Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFwmngPvMTc
"Like murder?" I demand, angry now at his mocking, and he stares at me, expectantly.531Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDDSwL2bvl9
I shift my eyes to the carrier bag in my hand, and then look back at him. His eyes follow mine, and he sees the bag. I harden my look, and he notices the seriousness of my tone. He leads me into another room. 531Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvPRqYXgAEs
"So, explain this to me kid, what on earth has happened?"531Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡssjUDeq2W1
CHAPTER 8531Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfJWrFqEeNY
The policeman stares at me in disbelief, and doesn't take his eyes from my back while I bend down to gather my mums files. I move slowly, awkwardly, and I place the papers onto the table in front of me with a thud.531Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjoAKhVM7XJ
He doesn't speak to me, and he pulls his eyes off me and moves the documents closer to him. He looks at the first page, and quickly flicks through the third, fourth, fifth...531Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhaDDU2kJoB
After a long silence, he speaks.531Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzOP4sMYNsP
" So, your brother and Jamique, your father, they're both dead?" he whispers. His sarcastic tone has been replaced with a much more professional one.
" Y... yes, yeah. Yes they are..." I manage to splutter.
" You realise the seriousness of this case, don't you?"
I nod.
"Right, well, obviously our first priority is to find your mother.."
Of course. I hadn't told him yet about what I had done to her, I almost backed out of it. Well, no backing out now.
"You don't need to find her..." I blurted out.
"Well, we do becau-"
"NO YOU DON'T" I shouted, he will surely lock me up now, forever!
"Sorry?" He scowls, irritated.531Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmUCcPP5b6F
"I shouldn't have shouted, I'm really sorry. I mean, you don't need to find her, she wont be doing this to anyone else, I promise." I admit this quietly so he might not hear. He did.
His voice is softer now. "How can you be so sure?"
"I...I, I k.....ki..killed her!" I confess, and I bury my face in my sleeve. It smells, but I have more important things to be worrying about. The tears running down my cheeks burn my face, I wish I would just disappear, up to wherever Lucas is. I need his comfort right now, his soft voice, consoling words.
I hear a brief muttering, perhaps the officer muttering something through his radio.
"You know," the officer starts, breaking the awful silence, "I was a good friend of your fathers."
I look at him and wipe my bloodshot eyes to see water welling up in his eyes. He says, "He spoke to me about you, once or twice, and Lucas, your brother. He said you two were brave, resilient, loving and determined. You, Kaitlyn? You have just proved that right now, by coming here today. And what you told me leads me to believe that nobody is perfect, you aren't perfect, but you are pretty damn close to it." He stops, and looks to his feet. I am confused, really, what on earth..?
"How?" is the only word that can make its way out of my mouth, my throat tight.
He carries on. "You stuck up for your family, you knew what your mother did and you were angry. I admit, you did go just a bit too far, but you were only doing what you thought was best.
"So, I'm willing to let that comment drop, I don't believe that you're a murderer, you shouldn't be punished like one.
" I will file a report telling that your mum is dead, that she.. got beaten in the alleyway of that pub. Yeah, and... you can make your statement saying all the things you told me before... and I'll email the care home in Lakedoen for you to live in. If.. that's OKAY with you I mean.."531Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmG4UiUvI4a
I blush, and try to wipe the wetness that has spread all over my face and arm. I am so grateful, so thankful, that my heart must skip a beat. I don't say anything, I just jump from my chair and into his arms. My face sinks into the chubbiness of his belly and the flab on his arm.
"Thankyou thankyou tankyou thankyou thankyou!" I cry, and he takes me to his office.
3 YEARS LATER...
Life here in Lakedoen is better than it had ever been before. I never knew of grown ups that I could trust, never knew of friends meaning so much to that they are like your family. I never thought that so much can change in 3 years. I know this now. I think like this at last.
I never want to forget Lucas, never want to forget Dad, or Mum. I never want to forget what happened, but I do want those memories hidden, I want to make new ones. With my new friends. My new family.
John has been such a help over the years. He has been my friend, helped me remember, helped me forget. I don't know why, don't know when he decided to mean so much to me, why he gave up his job to work at this care home with me. But, if I'm honest, I'm glad he did. Nobody will replace my Dad, he wont ever be my Dad, but he is pretty damn close to it!
ns 15.158.61.45da2
