274Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtt4UB1tPlL
Who are you,
if you can't control your thoughts?
I caught myself thinking about her again as I was watching my lover dress up. The more I tried to eliminate her from my mind, the more she haunted me. I tried to focus, but her hazy face kept on resurfacing again and again and again. My chest felt tight and that well-known crippling feeling began creeping out deep from my insides.
Breathe in. Breathe out. Observe.
Viktor was standing in front of the mirror, getting ready to leave. If he hadn't been such a perfectionist, he would have gotten ready an hour ago. But there he was - the same man who fucked me passionately the whole night - still in my room, carefully putting on the beige cotton shirt I gave him last Christmas. Today he wasn't as meticulous as usual—I noticed he skipped a button when putting on his shirt.
My eyes fixated on the forgotten tiny luminous button. It seemed so small, so insignificant yet each minute Viktor ignored it, was an extra minute I got to spend with him. I wonder if I am somebody's luminous button? The more they ignore me, the more golden opportunities they're given.
I'm not sure whether Viktor saw my reflection or just felt my observant gaze creeping from behind, but he finally broke the silence:
"What are you thinking?"
"Nothing."
"You always say that."
"Well, because it IS nothing."
I closed my eyes. Shit. There she was again; this time I could see her clearly as if she was standing in a broad daylight, her sapphire eyes shimmering brighter than the sun. Why did she have to be so goddamn beautiful? I'm pretty sure she went under a knife. Or didn't she?
My hands began shaking. I didn't want Viktor to worry about me—or so I thought. No, I want him concerned, I want him distressed; I want to feel his throbbing presence filling me from the inside. I want him. Perhaps, that's why I didn't even bother hiding the second wave of excruciating vibration that ran through my whole body. This time I felt as if I was going to throw up.
Viktor was already dressed, looking sharp as always. The luminous button has found its way home. Viktor was brushing his hair so attentively, not a single strand of hair was out of place. Now I was sure he caught my reflection with the corner of his eye—I saw his concerned gaze peeking through the mirror.
"Hey, Bee. You know you're my favorite guy in the world, right?" said Viktor.
"Oh really?"
"It's just another business trip."
"I'll miss you." I muttered.
"Don't be dramatic. You're like that fat John's dog which won't stop barking once John leaves. It just makes me feel so... guilty."
"I'm sorry."
"I know you love me."
"I do."
He was wrong. Bear didn't bark—she would scream bloody murder each time fat John left his apartment. I hated that dog at first, especially when I just moved in. But somehow she grew on me. Maybe because I felt like I'll do the same once Viktor leaves. Fuck, I've just compared myself to a fucking dog.
"Come here, gorgeous." said Viktor still holding the hair comb in his hands.
I submerged my whole body into the blanket. I don't want to see him leave. Don't leave.
"C'mon. Give me a kiss." he added.
I wanted to say that I loved him, I wanted to ask if I could go with him but I couldn't; there was an enormous lump in my throat and it kept on growing each time I thought of him leaving.
"Don't catch a cold, dress up." said Viktor softly and kissed the blanket where I had buried my head.
I couldn't even say goodbye.
"See you, Bee."
As Viktor was leaving through the door, the only thing I could utter was:
"I'm sorry."274Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡq6O4cLaROK
274Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxWbtwny5LN
