This morning I woke up earlier than usual. Even though a severe headache distracted me from all reality, I tried very hard to recover. When I stood up from my bed it was black all over, I thought the floor was slipping under me, and my legs were trembling as I try to grab my balance. After getting support from the wall, my field of vision was cleared, I had no idea what the previous thing was, and I prayed not to live it again during the day. But still I've had weight on me that I still could not figure out was restricting my movements as if my body was paralyzed. I suddenly remembered that he was not here, that I could not see him next to me when I woke up. I immediately accessed the phone and dialed the number, and the flames of worry were burning inside me in uncertainty and silence. Did something happen to him? Why can't I remember anything? If he was going to go somewhere, he would definitely let me know. Maybe he did. I wonder if I don't remember?
After a few seconds, I heard a voice from inside. He left his phone at home. Now I felt the flame burning inside me begin to visibly affect my body. My cheeks were very hot and my hands were just as cold. I wanted to look at myself in the mirror because I had even forgotten how I looked. When I was in front of the mirror, I doubted what was standing in front of me was a mirror, because the last time I saw myself I did not remember that I looked something like this. I could have sworn that whoever stood in front of me was someone else entirely. I made a few movements in front of the mirror to understand it was me, whatever I do it was imitating. But this, I didn't look like this. I immediately took out my photo album from the drawer and started looking at my old photos. On the other hand, I was looking at myself in the mirror, comparing this person to the person in the photographs. They didn't make much difference, but I didn't know I looked like this my whole life. For a day I thought to myself, I think my soul possessed someone else's body.
While thoughts were fighting in my brain, it got harder to cook. I was zoning out for a moment and not realizing I had cut my hand. I didn't feel much pain after noticing it anyway.
I was thinking about myself on the one hand and him on the other. Where was he and most importantly why was I here? This place didn't look like my house at all, yes it really wasn't. When this dawned on me, I left the food on the stove and ran out and wanted to look at my house from the outside. Its exterior did not resemble my home either. But what did my house look like? My inability wouldn't let me if I wanted to draw, and since my phone is old, there were no pictures in it. I was completely empty. In the center of a pitch-black space, I was briskly moving towards the light, but since I was convinced that these twitches pulled me to the center of the center, to the bottom, I wanted to quiet my mind. The door knocked on the way to my room to turn on loud music. ''Nice timing,'' I thought. ''If you came in two seconds later I wouldn't have heard you because of the music.'' I headed towards the door. I looked through the hole in the door and when I saw him coming, I flew with joy and opened the door as soon as possible.
-Hey where were you, I was worried you haven't been here since morning. And although I was only 3 hours awake, I seem to have spent 5 hours thanks to my thoughts. Come in, but tell me where you have been, and make sure it doesn't happen again!
-Take it easy, I had to go early at night for work and I woke you up and told you. That means you forgot. Whatever, it's okay right now, right?
-Yeah it is.
I threw my arms over him to hug him. But he was cold as ice. The outside and the place where he works could not have caused him to be so cold.
-You, you are so cold Are you sick or not? This is not normal, you are as cold as a death.
-I've always been like this, you're exaggerating. You are the hot one.
To make sure of this, I touched my hand to my face and various places, but I didn't feel that I was really hot. Although I started this day extra "anxious", I thought that these thoughts didn't have a valid reason and I was being delusional. I turned to him and:
-Are you hungry? Let's have breakfast, I haven't eaten anything yet.
When there was no answer, I started going around the rooms and asking the same thing again:
-Are you hungry? I made a toast, but if you want something else, I can do it right now.
But there was no answer and the rooms were empty. Is he gone again? Did he say he was gone this time? I really feel like I'm losing my mind.
One more ring belling again, this time I'll lock him in a room. He has no right to scare me like that. I opened the door in anger.
-Hello, sorry I came without calling. I was going to say I'm very sorry for your loss. Here, I cooked this in the morning. I thought you do not have the strength to cook and brought it to you, bon appetit.
-Thank you, but I guess you confused me with someone else. I can't take this.
-No, I really made it for you... You need help in this period and you look healthier than yesterday. I was worried when you hit your head.
Hit my head? She confuses me with someone but is not aware of that but I also don't want to turn her down.
-Thank you for your thought, they look good and delicious.
-You're welcome. My condolences.
Who died? To whom this woman wishes condolences.
-Oh yeah, about that. Who died?
After saying this, the woman looked at me confusedly. And for about 10 minutes she tried to gather her strength to make me sentences. She said something but could never complete her sentence. So she said:
-Are you okay? I don't want to open your wound, it's like you forgot he's dead.
I was struck in the brain. Today it started interesting and it continued. Not knowing what to do or say, I closed the door in her face and collapsed in front of the door. How could I distinguish the dead from the living when dead seems more alive than a living one? How could I know what was real? If I had a few photos, would this prove that what was in the photo was real? How could I distinguish truth from unreal? How would I feel the real thing in the depths of my soul as everything is intertwined and the lie is traveling in the form of truth while there is no guarantee that what I feel is real. I cut my hand just this morning and haven't felt it. Was things real that I didn't feel? I was lost and disappeared as I thought, while the door knocked again:
-Honey, I'm home.
