I am selfish.
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“The realization dragged me further into the hole of my own hell, I loved her.”
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I was new and over everything that had encountered me so far, I was used to the travel and changing identities. I just hoped that I wouldn’t eat lunch alone- and there she was, so tall and malignant, funny and kind though as I would soon notice a bit of a liar or I was just naive.
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“I don’t want to rush the story, I just want to tell the good parts.”
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Her name? Alex, a girl like me, although she was more developed and confident. There I was in the dark, insecure and unaware of anything around me that wasn’t negative, I see why she ditched me for other friends.
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“Girls are so complicated, is that why I like them?”
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Before Alex, an associate Nichole- was my temporary companion, only for her to turn me away. God why am I so embarrassing? I thought and those thoughts consumed me till I was nothing but a walking femur bone. Truth is I think I loved her more than a friend- her voice was like the soft winds on a starry night, her smile made me happy to sleep after nightmares, her tears made me angry and feel invincible. If only we weren’t opposites.
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“What is gay? I just liked a girl, nothing out of the ordinary!”
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Until her- I’ve never seen her face or heard her voice, she was a mystery. On the other side of the world- Texting me?!? Out of billions I was one of many but truly a few. Her name was Amy- the sweetest, funniest, smartest, realist, most intimate and passionate girl I’ve ever or will ever meet again. We met in a game and bonded over the trash talking of some shit named Kevin. We said things like “Shut up Kevin!” or “Kevin has sand up his ass” and In those moments I felt a flash of deep connection with her, it was like my whole world froze over and everything became smoother than the floor of a hockey rink, the day before a game.
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“I just wanted to feel loved by someone, anyone.”
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Fast forward to October we’re talking and she asks to meet in real life, I was hesitant. Truth is I was being beaten by my mother physically and mentally. My self esteem was so low I couldn’t limbo with it. And my life wasn’t getting better with school. My only source of happiness was this girl and she was young- too young to be dependent on as a mother figure for me but she was. I became too obsessed with who she was in my head, I’d often fantasized myself holding her waist in my hands and kissing her lips leaving traces of my lip-gloss on her body as I made my way down to her thighs, she was my treasure map and I wanted her treasure. I just wanted to love her and I wanted her to love me.
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“We fell in love...in October? . . . Or was it July?”
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She’s my world.
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“Kiss me through the internet, I’ll pretend to feel your lips.”
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She waited for my answer- for me to say yes. I felt so pressured and scared in that moment that if i let her down I would hang myself. I only had her and she wasn’t doing so well, similarly to me. I said sure and she lit up like a glow stick at a BTS concert. We met on Instagram with who we were in reality with us. She was so insecure about herself and when I saw her I was even more in love than before, or you might say obsessed. She had big, brown, almond shaped eyes. They reminded me of Charlotte, from Charlotte's Web- the kids movie with the big eyes. Though I could never tell her she looked like a spider she would be furious. But to me she was so lovely, and gorgeous. It made me sick sometimes that I lied to her- I told her I was a guy. I could pull it off surely, I was 14 and looked boyish and I knew she didn’t like girls. I lied to her, holding on to the slim hope I ever thought I had.
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“Can you keep my secret, or would you tell ?”
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