It all started in one of the saddest parts of the hospital... the hospice hall. The whole hall smelled like vitamins and old people. Hospice was MEANT for old people. But we weren't there to see a grandma, grandpa, or great aunt or uncle.
Mom tightly squeezes my hand as we walk down the granny-smelling hallway. My brother Roby and Teef tightly hold each other's hands in silence. Dragging behind is my brother Karma whose wearing his hood over his long mulleted dark-blue hair with his pale hands shoved into his pockets.
"Come along kids.." mom whispers, her voice weak and weary with grief filling her soul as she grabs the door knob of room 113.
I try and let go of my mom's hand but her grip is so tight all I can do it step back a few. She pulls me into the dark room with my siblings right behind us.
"The nurse who directed us to the room said we can't turn on the lights because she needs rest, but we can visit Esabell in the dark." Mom says softly as she closes the door behind us as quiet as possible.
My older brothers step forward and gather at the foot of the bed you can just barely see through the dark of the room. The only light source is a small princess nightlight. Pretty and pink. It was the nightlight that used to glow in the pretty pink room next door to mine.
I don't walk up with my brothers, I stay by the door as if I was ready to make a run for it the second all their backs were turned. I didn't want to be in this place. I didn't want to be anywhere near here. I couldn't take it.
Mom stood with me, still holding my hand for a little while. She looks to me softly then lets go of my hand and joins the boys, leaning over the side of the bed.
I could feel my eyes filling with hot stinging tears but I blink them back. I look down at the floor, I couldn't rest my eyes on what was in the dark.
"Isn't hospice for old people..?" I mumble to mom with a frown, looking down at my shaking hands.
"Most times yes, but hospice is a place for people in general. People who aren't going to make it through something so it's a place for them to be able to be comfortable in their last days of live.." Mom whispers to me.
I grunt, shaking my head in denial. "Wouldn't they be happier and more comfortable having their last days in their home and own bedroom with their family being there all the time and not having to come to some vitamin and old people smelling hospital? They're not always sure if the person is going to die! They could live. It's not determined till the final drop." by final drop I meant when their heart beat stopped. I started to cry as I shouted at my poor mother.
"Baby, baby, shh... shh.." my mom hushed me, taking me into her arms and stroking my head gently to try and silence my tears.
My brothers glanced at me, usually they'd laugh when I cried but they were sharing my grief and were probably holding the tears I was letting out in.
"Do you want to see her..?" mom whispered, hugging me tight as she wiped tears from my face.
"No.." I cried, shaking my head and sniffling. I wasn't ready to let go. I wasn't ready to accept it.
Mom sighed and nodded, "Alright. I'm not going to force you. We'll come back in a few days. She's getting sicker. You should try to talk to her and say goodbye before it is too late.."
I nod in silence, stepping out of the room into the hallway. I was so swarmed in grief the smells of vitamins and elderly didn't bother me as much.
This happened every time we came, I always refused to see her. I couldn't. Every time we came though she grew sicker and sicker. I knew I had little time but each day I came thinking I was ready my feet seemed to anchor to the tiled floor.
Esabell was going to die...
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