~A spoken word I wrote after my lover became my rapist~
650Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZJkyqlGF7c
I will love you until I die.
False.
You give me butterflies every time I hear your name.
False.
It’s more than a crush.
False.
Which one of us bears witness to the lesser of two evils our personalities wired like a time bomb counting down the seconds to explode.
Cut the wrong wire and we both die,
Cut the right wire and one of us dies.
If given a choice you would cut my wire and stare into my eyes as they fill with astonishment as I count down to the explosion.
5
I wish I never met you
4
I was fine before you
3
Please don’t leave
2
I need you
1
I was tricked into believing I loved you until I died.
True.
You make my stomach drop into the pit of fear and dread every time I hear your name.
True.
It’s more than a crush.
True.
You shackled my throat and made my mouth run dry,
Water the symbol of purity and cleansing that should’ve been my first hint.
The pit in my stomach once thought to be excitement now known as dread,
That should have been the second.
So many clues I dismissed, as my imagination should’ve sent me running in the opposite direction instead I ran closer to you.
My heart was always pounding.
I thought it was because of you,
But it was because of the fear of you.
I tripped over my self-confidence and got impaled by pity.
Honesty,
Honesty was never a trait I was good at and instead I made up lie after lie getting you to believe my stories,
And hell,
I saw it coming from miles away but stitched my eyes shut and dived into a pool laced with mistakes and regrets and I’m reminded of you in everything, your heartbeat in music, your scent drifting on the wind, your smile in the shadows of peoples eyes and the wrinkled bed sheets and mismatched clothing, the hum of a river, the pull of a tide, morning breath, morning faces, did you know I can’t eat popcorn anymore because it reminds me of the salty taste of your lips and the broken strings in your heart from anchors pulling you down, but you broke free! You’re hectic and crazy I want to stop remembering you but honesty was never my strong suit and I don’t think I can.
Lie.
I need to stop remembering you taking the black periods of alcohol-induced amnesia over your eyes and smile and the beating of your heart.
And as long as that bomb is ticking I won’t be able to sleep fully at night knowing I have unleashed a beast onto the world.
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