It's 1am on Sunday morning and I am sitting on my bed surrounded by clothing. There are clothes laying on the bed, on the floor, everywhere but in the closet. As I sit buried in a pile of dresses, I look up at the ceiling fan. How the hell did that get up there? I think to myself, staring at a purble bra hanging from one of the blades. Confused, I make a mental note to take it down as soon as I am done packing.
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Luckily I got through the week relatively calm, expect for the occasional fights with Mark, which to tell the truth happens more occasionally than I want them to. As much as I try to avoid conflict between the two of us, he has a habit of bringing out the worst in me. He wasn't like this when we started dating three years ago. We used to go on dates every weekend, going to the movies, ice skating, doing silly stuff together, to name a few. I would even go as far as to say we were madly in love. Things took a turn for the worst when Mark's father, Brad Johnson suddenly passed away a few months into our relationship, I barely even knew the old man. The first and only time I met him, I wasn't greeted with a friendly face. It wasn't pleasant at all.
After Brad died, Mark had to take over everything, including his father's company. Everything changed. He became more serious, he began spending less time with me and more time at the office. At first I thought he was just stressed and scared that he will not be able to fill his father's shoes. I knew it wouldn't be easy on him but over time he became an exact replica of his father. That's were everything fell apart. He changed. I know everyone changes. It's life. It happens. But looking back, there was a time when he was someone who I could see a bright and very happy future with. Overnight he turned into a money hungry, emotionless control freak.
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"Hello!" I am ripped from my thoughts and pulled back into reality. Caitlyn is sitting in my white armchair in the left corner of my room, tossing my clothes in yay and nay piles on the floor. "What is going on in that pretty little head of yours?" she asks.
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"Just thinking about a song for the musical and how much I hate packing." I lie. I really do hate packing but I haven't thought about lyrics since I told Mark about the job offer a week ago.
I don't want her to know how nervous I really am about the trip. Our flight is in just a few hours and she is helping me pack since I am no good when it comes to deciding what should stay and what should go. If my closet had wheels I would just take the whole damn thing!
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Caitlyn and I were best friends since Primary School. The day we met will forever be imprinted in my brain. I remember I was walking through the hall with my mother. It was my first day in the new school. My mother walked me all the way to class so I would not get lost. She hugged me goodbye and left me to defend myself against the unknown. As soon as she left a blond girl came walking up to me. To this day I have no idea what her name is. Whenever we talk about it, we just call her blondie. She immediately started making fun of my hair, which was dark brown and cut in a short bob. She said things like "Look at your ugly hair. You look like a boy." Then she started singing so loud the other kids could hear, "Boy, boy, you're a boy." A few of them laughed. I never knew little girls could be so mean. I liked my hair, even if it wasn't long enough to make two long ponytails. I remember I was in tears when Caitlyn came walking up to us, at first I thought she was friends with blondie but then she did something I never saw coming. She punched blondie in the face, right on her nose. Although Caitlyn got in a lot of trouble that day, blondie dodged us like a bullet the rest of the year while Caitlyn and I became inseparable.
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"Sure, thinking about a song." she says rolling her eyes "Are you having some trouble over there?" she asks. I am looking at the two suitcases that are laying open next to me on the bed. Although they are more or less the same size, I cannot decide which one to take.
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"Why does it have to be so difficult?" I sigh.
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I am only allowed to take one suitcase on the airplane. I mean really? Only ONE?
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"I am going away for two months and I can only pack one suitcase? When I go on a weekend vacation I literally pack my whole closet and now I can only pack one suitcase? Do you know how little clothing you can fit in one suitcase!" I scream in frustration.
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"Okay" Caitlyn says throwing both her hands up.
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"I feel like you said the words one suitcase a little too many times." she says amusingly.
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"I can't help it, Caitlyn! I think I am having a panic attack!" I cry out.
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I am not kidding, between Mark coming on this trip and me trying to fit 2 months worth of clothes in a suitcase that can only take up to 7 outfits, I am really having a panic attack! I fall back onto the bed and pull a pillow over my face hoping it would suffocate me.
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"Would you stop? You're not having a panic attack. Just calm down, take a deep breath and tell me what this is really about. I've got a feeling this is about more than just the packing." she says sounding more serious. I immediately pull myself up. She is glancing at me with a you know exactly what I am talking about look on her face.
"I don't want to talk about it." I mumble, quickly throwing the white and turquoise polkadot pillow to the other side of the bed and start refolding a pile of already folded t-shirts.
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"So, I'm right?" she says, looking at me expecting me to confirm her suspicions.
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"If it will make you feel better, fine. It is about more than just the packing but please Cate, I really do not want to talk about it." I say, already irritated with the direction this conversation is going in.
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I love Caitlyn but there is one thing about her that frustrates me, she will never drop a subject until she is satisfied. No matter how many times you tell her you do not want to talk about it, you always end up talking about it.
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"It's Mark, isn't it?" She asks. "Well, then I think packing is the least of your problems." So much for not wanting to talk about it.
"Thanks, bestie." I say sarcastically. "Thank you so much for making me feel better." I hate to admit it but she's right. Packing is the least of my problems.
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She tosses one of my favorite dresses in the nay pile. Oh hell no! I quickly think to myself, looking at her with one eyebrow raised. It is a short white summer dress with yellow flowers on. She pretends not to notice as I immediately hang over the bed to grab the dress and throw it on the yay pile. "Hello, don't you know me at all!" I whine.
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"I'm serious Leah! This is the least of your problems. What are you going to do about Mark?" Great, I am going to have to talk about this now. I run my hands through my hair trying not to think about how big disaster this trip is going to be.
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"We are leaving in a few hours Cate. There is nothing I can do. I am going to have to make the most of it. You know, spend as little time with him as I possibly can and completely focus on my work." I look up at Caitlyn and she has an unfamiliar look in her eye, lifting one eyebrow.
"That's your plan?" I can hear the disapproval in her voice. "How about standing up to him for once?" she continues. I can't decide if she is being sarcastic or not. Either way, I really do not need a speech from her right now.
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"You know what he's like Cate." is all I can manage to say.
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"Do you really love him?" Her question takes me by surprise. This is Caitlyn Dixon at her best, always cutting straight to the point, leaving no stone unturned. I just say the first thing that pops into my head, trying to sound as convincing as possible. Even though I know she won't believe me. I can never lie to Caitlyn, she is the only person besides my mother who sees right through me. "He's my fiancé, of course I love him." Wow, I think to myself. Even I don't believe that.
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"Oh come on!" she shouts. "I am your best friend Leah. You should know better than to lie to me. Be honest to yourself for once in your life. I can see it in your face. I know you're not happy. You don't have to stay with him, Leah. If you're unhappy, just leave."
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"It's not that simple." I mutter, holding up my left hand, I point to my ring finger. "I made a commitment Cate. And besides, it was good once." I say softly, thinking about all the memories we made together.
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"Oh for god sake Leah, it's not like you're married yet!" she screams. "You deserve so much better than him. No matter how good things were when you started dating. You're both different people now. No matter what you tell yourself, things will never go back to the way they were."
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I hate to admit it but Cate is right. People change. I need to accept that my relationship with Mark will never be the same.
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It was almost 3 am when we were finally done packing. I am not sure if I am truly happy with the outfits we selected but there is no turning back now. Caitlyn left about 10 minutes ago and I am exhausted. We had to say our final goodbyes at my apartment as she will not be able to meet us at the airport. Sadly to say it's not just Caitlyn, none of my family can make it to the airport so everyone came over for dinner last night. My mother couldn't stop crying when she said goodbye even though I kept reassuring her that it's only for two months. She actually managed to make me cry as well. I am really going to miss her.
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I am wandering around picking up the last bit of clothing scattered around my room when I realize we have to be at the airport in less than three hours. Shitballs! I really need to get some sleep.
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