Do you know these starry nights where you can see the whole bright mesmerizing stars? Not only stars, maybe Jupiter, maybe Venus, maybe other endless celestial objects. Regan kept watching the view, her mind lost in thoughts. She was staring at the sky, sitting in an old bench, in the backyard. Her knees were to her chest and it had passed midnight.
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The girl kept looking at the night sky for long. She was lucky that there wasn't much light pollution, like in other urban places.
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Monica had fallen asleep hours ago, because she was too tired, and tomorrow she was going to start a new job as a manager.
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Tomorrow morning, Regan had school. She was eighteen and in senior year. Maybe she was supposed to sleep at this hour, but she wasn't.
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For some other minutes, after doing the same thing, gazing at stars, she convinced her mind to go back inside. She didn't know why but there was always something about the stars. She was always drawn to bizarre, unknown things for humans.
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After she went inside her room, she changed into a set of loose, kitty-themed pajamas. She brushed her teeth and lay in the bed, trying to get some sleep.
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However, that familiar feeling crept on her, as well as the mass of these whole intrusive and negative thoughts.
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It was the reason why she was so paranoid, why her head always hurt, why her body was so tense.
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As for that familiar feeling, well that was a feeling of non-belonging. She had felt that since she was little, she didn't remember how years old, but probably around seven. It was like she had always known she was different, that she didn't fit in. And it was true. She didn't fit at all, she felt like an intruder, she hated crowds, friends, people. They were dirty, they cared about sex and money, and material things, they were shallow. They were stupid, and she hated them.
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She knew that she was probably being unfair, that there were good people in the world, that not everyone was like that. But still, she couldn't see that. She couldn't see anyone who was good. She could only sink in her negative thoughts, in her tense body, in her head.
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She sighed and rolled onto her side, the cold blankets felt cool and somewhat soothing. It was useless though. Sleep eluded her again.
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Her mind was hell awake, thinking that she was about to die, thinking always the worst.
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The night was silent. She had left the window open for some air but still felt as suffocating. Boredom grew as well and she wondered if there was anyone else feeling like her, like a mess, tortured by her own mind.
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She tossed and turned in bed, trying to find a comfortable spot. It was useless. If she covered herself with blankets, she felt hot and trapped; if she let them pool on the floor, she was freezing. If she closed her eyes, images of the dark, intrusive images clouded her. If she stayed awake, all previously mentioned things happened as well. She was terrified to look up in Google about what she felt because it would make things even worse. She knew it. She had done it before and had ended up even more terrified and anxious.
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She had always felt like that, always tense, never calm, never positive, always waiting for something terrible to happen.
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She wished she could talk to someone about it, but who would understand? Who would care? Her aunt would act like Google, freakily send her to the hospital. Her parents, well they weren't alive. Regan only knew their appearances, even that was just from pictures. She had no friends, no real connections to anyone. She had only her mind, her negative, paranoid, self-depressive mind.
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Finally, she cursed under her breath and shoved the covers away, knowing it was no use to lay there.
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She sat up and grabbed her phone, starting to play a game. But then, it was something else. That time, she felt watched. She glanced around the room, her heart thumping. She clenched her jaw, hating her brain for always working against her, making her paranoid.
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After several minutes, she decided to get out of bed and walk around the room, trying to calm herself down. She knew that walking around helped a bit. Or just doing something different. Anything to take her mind off the feeling of being watched.
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She stood by her window, looking out at the darkness, the stars still visible. A cool breeze caressed her face, and for a moment, she felt better. But her body worked against her, as it always did. She closed her eyes, trying to relax.
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When she opened them again, she saw something move out of the corner of her eye. She peeked out of the window, her heart hammering against her ribs. There was nothing, just the bushes swaying in the breeze. She let out a shaky breath, cursing under her breath.
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When thinking about school for a moment, she just remembered it was a second prison. She had good grades, she didn't know how. It wasn't like she studied all the time or something, but she had mostly A's and B's. Maybe because she was smart? She didn't know.
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She leaned back from the window and thought to do something else. Maybe just eat something. But she wasn't hungry. Her laptop was on the desk but she felt it was heavy to use. She was so tired, so tired that when she tried to sleep, she just couldn't. She glanced at the clock on her bedside table and sighed. It was only 1:30.
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"Such a long night," she muttered to herself, rubbing her eyes. She couldn't wait till the day came but it was a cycle after all. Night would come, she'd struggle to sleep, and then she'd wake up exhausted.
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She lazily flopped onto her bed, her eyes on her phone, flipping through social media, looking for something that would distract her. Nothing really caught her attention. She slammed the phone on the table and rolled on the other side, trying to get some sleep.
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She started to get hot again and kicked the covers off, trying to cool down. She turned on her side, away from the window, and closed her eyes, hoping that sleep would come. It didn't.
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"Oh God," she muttered, grabbing the blankets again and forcing herself to submit to her wants. Her eyelids grew heavy, burning if she kept them open. She tried to think about something else, something beautiful, probably the books and movies she had read and seen. Because there was nothing else in her life that could be considered beautiful.
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She closed her eyes and started to drift off to a uneasy sleep, like most nights. She mumbled nonsense words and tossed and turned, unable to find a comfortable position. At least, she was sleeping somehow. Even if it wasn't restful.
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Suddenly, a bright light filled the room, and she jolted awake, her heart hammering against her ribs. The sunlight was burning her face and she quickly remembered it was finally day. Good for her. Even though she was going to a new school, at least losing her mind and forgetting her negative thoughts would be a good thing.
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Regan wasn't even going to try for friends. She didn't care about anything like that. True friendship was very rare, almost impossible to seek. And she didn't think of herself as someone that would find it.
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She knew how her school day would go. Being a loner and getting no attention from anyone, was the best for her. She avoided talking with others or joining groups. The only thing that this girl was going to school for, were her grades.
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She entered the bathroom and dressed up quickly. Her clothes didn't include big options of wearing, so she went with baggy, knee-ripped jeans and a black t-shirt with words written in bold gold color: "STAY AWAY".
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Ironic or not, this spoke volumes of what she wanted others to do.
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Then she combed her hair, letting it hang over her shoulders. She picked her bag and her phone, then left the room.
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As she stepped down the stairs, just a glance on her phone made her realize how damn late she was.
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"My God," she said, blaming herself for being so stupid. She saw Monica was already sitting on the couch, drinking her morning coffee. She looked up at Regan, knowing she was late.
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"Aunt, you could've woken me up," Regan said frustrated, but then regretted it because it wasn't her aunt's fault.
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"Hey, don't panic, you're a bit late, but you're new so it's not such a big deal, hun." Monica replied.
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Yes, a bit late, Regan thought.
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The aunt was trying to make her feel better but she knew her aunt was also strict. She was never late for work.
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"Aren't you going to eat anything? Drink some milk at least."
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Doing as she said, Regan poured milk on glass and drank it quickly. When she was done, she looked at time and it was 7:54.
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Regan cursed under her breath and told her aunt she was leaving. Monica got up, getting out of the house towards her car so she could drive her niece.
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As the girl got in, she was trying to find a logical excuse for her late attending.
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And the worst of all, it had to be the first day for her.
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She had no idea of what class she had first nor did she know anyone there. Monica took over that situation and told her niece, that she had chemistry. Monica was really an amazing source of information.
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They arrived at the destination and it was the first time Regan had seen the school. She had seen it in photos, but not on live.
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She didn't care a lot, still. The senior year would end soon.
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Monica said goodbye and left the girl inside the school.
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There wasn't anyone here. She saw the time and it was 8:12.
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"Crap! I'm so late!" she muttered.
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She dragged her feet into searching the chemistry class and at the same time thinking for a valid excuse she would get out of the embarrassing position.
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The school was big and the girl spotted a woman in her fifties. She thought her as a teacher and asked her where the chemistry class was, the teacher told her the directions, at the same time looking weirdly at her and asked her if she was new here.
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The girl explained quickly through her, sometimes 'illogical' explanation but then she said 'thank you' and walked away while looking back at the weirded out teacher.
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She finally was able to meet with the door which had a label "Chemistry".
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The anxiety rushed in the girl's whole being and she got that nervous feeling on the stomach. Now, she wasn't only worrying about the excuses of being late but also if she had to introduce herself to the class.
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She knocked and opened the door to reveal a whole class staring at her like she was some alien.
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"Who are you?" A woman standing on the board asked and it could be told she was the teacher.
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Words got stuck on Regan's throat as she didn't like the way she was being stared at. She would have yelled at them if the teacher hadn't been there. She was short-tempered sometimes, she'd give that.
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"I'm Regan Miller," she answered, trying to swallow her anxiety.
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"Oh, you're the new girl," the teacher said but from her expression one could tell she was annoyed," already late on your first day miss Miller?" she said, slightly raising her voice.
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"I'm sorry miss...I just moved in and had some work to do," she said, hoping she would understand, "It's not going to happen again."
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Some chuckles and laughs were heard from the class, but Regan kept her careless expression.
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"Fine, miss Miller, I'll forgive this time because you're new but next time you won't do so easily. No one dares to come late in my class," she emphasized the last sentence, "now go sit somewhere."
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Regan did as told and started looking for a seat, hard because of all the freaks staring at her.
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To her luck, there was an empty seat at the end of the class which was near the window. The desks were for only one person to sit which was good for her.
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She went to sit there, feeling all the weird stares like they had seen a ghost. The girl didn't want to draw attention anymore as she had already done and didn't like it at all. She was also thankful to the teacher for not saying something like "introduce yourself to the class".
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She tucked her hair behind ears and felt the scar with her fingers. Regan realized it was probably the reason why everyone was staring and laughing.
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"Silence!" the teacher yelled sternly at the class. Regan felt better when they all moved the attention back on the teacher and stopped laughing or glaring.
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She took notes from the bag and some pens. The topic on the board was "Organic Chemistry". Regan took notes from the board.
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The teacher started asking questions that seemed too easy to the wise girl but the whole class wasn't answering at all. Regan didn't see that coming.
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"How do you predict the reactivity of an organic compound?" Was the question that the teacher asked.
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The girl had made herself clear of staying in class and not drawing any attention. However she really wanted to answer because she knew the answer, but at the same time, anxiety was doing its best, because if she was going to answer, these stares would reappear, burn her whole.
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"Screw this. I'm gonna answer," she said to herself.
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Just as she raised her hand, she gave a long answer to that question, and as predicted, everyone stared at her again.
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"Well done miss Miller!" the teacher praised.
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Again, the class started to babble for no specific reason. The teacher shut up the class once more. Meanwhile, the girl took a better look at her surroundings. Before her, was a girl. Next to her, was a boy who kept staring. She cursed under her breath, wanting to punch the boy. Not only embarrassed from being late, she kept getting stared at like a fool. If there was something she hated after physical touch, was getting stared at.
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The hours passed and her next class was math, which she managed easily, just like any other subject.
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It was lunch and all the students were out of class. Now our girl had to face another big problem. Where to sit, where to stay, what to do, should she get back instead?
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She walked very slowly to the school hall, her direction was the cafeteria, but seeing the big crowd there was changing her mind. Sometimes she thought that going to school was just making her look like an outsider and a different one.
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Still, she was hungry since morning.
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She tried to enter the crowded area, managing to stay away as much as possible. She waited in the long queue, trying to stay invisible. After what seemed like eternity, she bought a burger and a soda.
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The cafeteria worker gave her a tray and a smile, noticing she was new. Regan returned the smile and walked away. Now she was going to face another embarrassing problem. Where to sit? It should have been known that after all that waiting, the tables would be occupied. However, to her luck, there was an empty one.
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