I was now living at Morri's house and had no clue what I wanted to do or where to go. Morri was very nice and reminded me so much about my grandmother. She was a good cook and she told me that I was welcome to stay for as long as I could.
I was always helping with cleaning the house. She did tell me that I did not have to do it. She did not understand that I was used to working as God did not like lazy people. The house was not that big, so I often cleaned the same areas several times a day. This would frustrate Morri as she would tell me to relax. However, I could not! I was so used to hard work!
One thing I refused to do was to go outside. Morri could not understand this and thought that I needed some fresh air and some sun. How would she understand that I was afraid the prophet would be sending out search teams for me. I was sure that the prophet was raging mad that I have run away. If I was caught, he would drag me back and most punish me in every way possible. He would also punish others, so that would also make me feel guilty. How could Morri tell me that I was afraid to go out? She knew nothing about living in a cult. She would never understand.
I was confused about Morri. There was something about her that I did not trust. She picked me off the side of the road and has given me a new home. She did not ask for anything in return. She cooked and provided me with a bedroom and food. She didn't pressure me to talk about the cult or wanted to do. She knew that I was a lost and confused soul. Morri told me that time mends all wounds. I would look at her in the chair and think about her. Why was she so nice to a stranger like me? Why was she being like my granny was? Was she being nice to me so she could slowly corrupt me? I had no reason not to trust her, and yet I was told for years never to trust anyone outside the cult.
I told Morri that I did not want to be a burden. I should find my family and move with them. Morri was not happy about it and asked me if I was sure. I nodded and told her that it was the right thing to do. She wanted to know who I would live with. I told her that my grandmother did not see me since I was 11, and I thought that she was the best choice. Morri smiled and told me that granny would be so proud of who I was. I scoffed at her for being so nice once again. How could she say that granny would be proud of me? She most likely would be mad and ask why I did not write to her in all the years I was in the cult.
We searched the internet and after an hour of searching found that granny died years ago. I just stared at her name and the date of her death. Morri told me that it would help if I spoke about it. I told her that I have learned to think by myself. The thing was that the cult taught me to accept any hardship as a test from God, or a punishment. We learned not to whine and cry over things, as this was a weakness. I know Morri wanted me to speak with her about my feelings over grandmothers death. I did not want to share my feelings. I didn't want to open myself to anyone and expose any weakness that I had.
I was in my bedroom and just looked at a Bible. I closed my eyes and remembered when we were a happy family and when granny would visit us. Everyone was so happy and we were close. I also remember how worried granny was when she had seen that mom was getting more and more interested in joining the cult. When we joined the cult, we left Granny behind. My parents never contacted her and I was not allowed to write. I could only imagine how this broke Grannies heart and how alone she felt. It made me think that Paradise wanted us to be one big family. Did the prophet not care how many people were left alone or hurt when someone joined the cult.
I fell to my knees and prayed for the soul of granny. I hoped she would forgive us for forgetting her and not letting her know things were going. I felt bad that she must have suffered a lot. Granny must have worried so much about us and wonder what she has done wrong, that we would just forget her.
As I was praying, I tried to shed a tear. I was worried that I could not cry. This was not normal! Maybe I was afraid that if I started crying, I could not stop. I was also thinking about the people that I knew at Paradise. I was thinking about my mom. I missed her so much. I wondered if mom was worried about me or was mad that I ran away. I wondered if she still loved me. Once again, I was worried about the reaction of the prophet. He was most likely outraged that I ran away. God had promised him that I could be his third wife. I was afraid that he took his anger out on my mother and my friends.
Morri tried to cheer me up and suggested that we try and find out where my Dad lives. I told her that this was not going to happen. I asked her to leave me alone so I could think and pray. When she went, I started throwing things and destroying as much as I could. I wanted to speak with Dad, but I was so afraid. I was afraid that he was also dead. I could not deal with this. In my head, I was starting to believe that granny dies as a punishment from God. God did not want me to leave Paradise. He was taking all the people that I loved!
Morri came in later when I was sitting and holding my knees and rocking back and forth. She was not mad that I destroyed her daughter's room. 278Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMViaWgeYBq
"You are a troubled girl," she said, "What did that place do to you? You are safe now and you need to have courage. I think you need to do something and work for the life that you deserve. You should go to school and get a good education. You can also work to expose how evil this cult is and save the people that are now suffering this."
I shouted and screamed at Morri. I do not know why I got so mad. I sounded like a teenager telling her that she was not my mother. She had no right to interfere with my life. I did not want to hurt Paradise. It was my home. My mom lived there. I finished by saying that I understood why her daughter did not want to live here.
Morri left the room and I suddenly felt bad. This woman went out of her way to help me as well as she could. She did not have to help me. I was a stranger she found sleeping in wet grass. The fact was that I lost my temper and had no reason to do this. Morri's suggestions did seem like a good plan. Why did I get so mad at her? I think it was because she was so close. I had a lot of mixed feelings and frustrations in me. She was the only person that I could vent at.
When I walked out for a glass of water, I saw Morri on the chair holding a picture of her daughter and crying. She did not look at me but said that her daughter dies when she was a bit older than I was. Her daughter died of cancer at such a young age.
I ran back to the bedroom and started tidying the mess that I made. I felt so bad. Morri has experienced so much hurt and pain and my anger made her remember her daughter once again. Words can hurt a person a lot more than fists. What I have done was plain evil.
It made me think of what sort of person I was. Since I escaped Paradise, I have only been thinking of myself and consider myself a victim. Paradise taught us that the devil was in control of thing in the outside world. The people have long forgotten God and have been following the devil. This could not be true. I remember in Paradise how we were treated as if we were mere slaves. I remember the deception of the prophet. While he lived in the lap of luxury, the people often starved. There was no love. It was about control. Love would not have ignored my granny. Love would not have split my family. Love would not have exiled the only boy I ever loved.
I did not apologise to Morri. I worked harder at cleaning the house and doing what chores I could. This was another way in which Paradise hurt me. Apologies never work. One should repent and punishment was the best way to make up for bad deeds. I tried showing how sorry I was by finding ways of punishing myself.
I now felt depressed as I could see that we were taught the wrong things at Paradise. Morri was not Satanic. She has shown more kindness and patience than anyone I ever knew. It was now obvious that the devil had a lot of power at Paradise. It made me the person that I was. I was afraid. I only thought of myself and I was selfish and mean. I had a demon in me! The question was if the demon was in me at Paradise or when I left Paradise.
One day, when Morri was asleep, I tried to ring to mom.278Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYE0oQpxmbu
" Mom it's me," I said278Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1dYNS2aKkz
" How could you do this to me and the prophet? How could you run away?"278Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡj9TYFmqgXq
" Mom, I miss you."278Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRbJ0xJf7YV
" Then come back. That is the only solution"278Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdPuvV3zYmt
" Can things go back to the way they were when we were a happy family?"278Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFWUDRihFkW
" Come back. The Prophet has plans for you!"278Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdUKh6zXKgg
" Do you even love me, Mom?"
Mom did not answer. She told me I had a choice to come back or not. If I decided not to go back to Paradise, she would no longer speak with me. She would not consider me as her daughter. Then she hung up.
My mind was going around in circles. Why could Mom not even admit that she loved me? She did not say it, but she thought that I could not survive in this world. Maybe she was right. I have been depressed, selfish, confused and mean since I left. I was sure that God had abandoned me and I was slowly going crazy.
It was raining once again. That did not stop me. I quietly left the small house and started to walk towards Paradise.
To be continued
ns 15.158.61.54da2
