The week after Mums funeral we were very quiet, not talking to anyone, staying locked up unless we needed food, and grieving in total solitude. I know now that I probably shouldn’t have done that but we cannot undo what has already been done. I now know that I should have been there for Xavier because when we got back he was no longer that bright and happy kid that I once knew.
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Xavier’s 13th birthday was approaching fast. The snow had just started to fall for the first time that year. The light sprinkle on the ground with the flowers that were there struggling to stay upright, was kinda calming ya know? The feeling when you know that you have it so much better than others but at the same time only wanting more.582Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡB22tXhVAee
The snow, oh the snow it was the most beautiful colour of white that I had seen in so many years and the comparison of the dark forest against the pure white snow was just amazing, so amazing in fact that I stood in awe with Xavier by my side thinking over the fact that I hadn’t told him that this would be the last snowfall at the beginning of winter that we would witness together.
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We had just celebrated a birthday since the deaths of our parents. Although it was meant to be a happy time it was a time drenched in sadness and sorrow.
It was also snowing heavily that fateful day, just like his birthday. That dreadful day that my Father had chosen to send me away had finally come. That day when I had to leave. Thinking back I probably should’ve told Xavier that I was leaving but I didn’t and that was my fatal mistake. I don’t remember much of that day except Xavier running after the car trying to say something like “Don’t leave me, I don’t know what I would do without you. You are the only thing that is keeping me happy.” and I was looking back in tears apologising for the fact that I had to leave and didn’t know when I would be coming back. I think back then I was also screaming at my father saying that I didn’t want to leave and I would hate him if he made me go. And so the car ride to the airport was by far the longest and loneliest that I have ever experienced, the snow didn’t look so pure, the clear blue sky became overcast, and the humming of the car on the road was not calming but like the sound of chainsaws grinding on bones in the middle of nowhere.582Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKs8VpiYW8F
Planes no longer represent freedom but represent the tragedy of moving from the familiar, comfortable forests that I used to roam with Xavier. The plane’s take off was as amazing as I imagined but, it wasn’t the same as what I wanted it to be like, both exciting and calming it wasn’t like that and I don’t think that it ever will be. The moment that the plane's wheels left the ground my mind had finally caught up what had just happened and what this now meant. It meant that Xavier was now all alone, alone with nobody to confide in and no one to tell his troubles to. All I hope for now is that the time that I spent with Xavier will be enough to get him through the years that I will be away from him.
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