The following weeks were less eventful with Jamie. He fell back into being his better self, the one I live for. He showered me with kisses and compliments as we explored the city on our days off in the hot July sun. We dined out, stayed up late watching movies and saw some of his friends. It feels like we're a normal couple again.
Jamie and I are approaching our four year anniversary next month in September. On top of that, my birthday isn’t long after, so Jamie has been filling my ears with promises of organising a trip. Honestly, I'd be happy with some take out and a night in, but I know a trip will make him happy, so I don't try to sway him on it.
I've always felt that all of the good times with Jamie outweigh the bad. He can be kind, loving, generous and so attentive when he wants to be. When things are going well, it's as if all of the bad experiences I've ever had with him slip to the back of my mind. I bury them deep, hiding them inside a locked box where I can keep them from seeping into all of the good memories and staining them like ink on fabric.
I fill any time I have alone with running and looking after the apartment, while also getting in a small bit of time with Sarah and the kids. She only lives twenty-five minutes from our place, which is nice, I love having her close by. We both stayed around Cleveland after we moved out of our dads house. We grew up here, and we both love it.
Sarah married her high school sweetheart, Mark. They have two girls together now, Emily and Anna, they're little cuties. She's only four years older than me, but she somehow seems to have it all figured out. She stayed close to our dads house because she wanted him to be nearby so the kids could grow up with him. He and Sarah have remained close throughout the years. She got to experience a completely different dad to the one I grew up with. We're all aware of it, there’s no denying how cold he became towards me after our mom and grandfather passed. We don't discuss it much though, different opinions I guess. Sarah gets to see my dads soft side, and the loving grandpa he can be. I don’t begrudge her that. I wanted it too. I still do sometimes.
I work full time at the music store, 'Strings & Things'. Not the most creative name but it's a great job. The owners, Michelle and Carol, are amazing. We've become really close over my time there. I've nicknamed them 'The Ladies' and they totally hate it. They're not quite what you'd picture a lady to be at all. They've been together since nineteen seventy-six. They were only teenagers at the time, and their coming out was a big scandal for their well-to-do families back then, but Michelle tells the story like it's a romance novel. After they told their friends and family that they were a couple, they left town. The two women travelled the world for a few years, and then came home and bought the music store together. Eventually their families came around. They got married in two thousand and sixteen, about a year after it was made legal in Ohio. I really wish I'd known them at that stage of their lives, I'd have loved to have been a part of it all.
The best thing about the women is the fact that they're strong feminists. They run women's rights rally's and stuff all around the state. It also means that they generally favour having female employees, not that they’d ever admit that. Of course they insist that they always pick the best candidate for the job, but I have a feeling that isn't always the case. All I know is that it’s worked out well for me. The less male colleagues I have for Jamie to quiz me about the better, and right now I have zero. Other than the delivery men that come in and out, there's only Michelle, Carol, Dayna and I and that suits me fine.
Dayna is part time, she’s studying Psychology but works most Saturdays and some days in-between, which means that between Michelle, Carol and I, I only have to work one in three Saturdays. It drives Jamie insane, but right now there isn't really an alternative. I was blessed to come out of the school training position with a reference after the stunt he pulled with Zach, and he was lucky no charges were pressed either.
The store ticks over well, there's plenty of musicians around here. Ardeen isn't a particularly small place, there's a population of roughly twelve thousand, so there's always something happening. We're placed just on the outskirts of Cleveland, known as the home of rock and roll. That claim always makes me smile.That's what made the ladies want to open a music store in Ardeen. They love the creativity that flows here, as do I. We aren't all that far from Greater Cleveland either, which is where Jamie's office is, so it's handy for us.
I usually work the floor making sales, writing up orders and taking delivery's. I like to pull my weight though, so when the ladies saw how serious I was about the job, they began to let me open and close the store. Before long I was looking after scheduling too, not that there's much to it. Carol now wants some help with the book keeping, so we're going to look at that next. I appreciate how they never make me feel like it's an 'us and them' situation. For the most part, they ask my opinion on any changes they want to make, and it's nice to know what I think matters to them. They don't have children of their own, and know that my relationship with my dad is strained to say the least, so it feels like there's an unspoken bond with us. I can share things with them, not everything of course, but I can get their advice when I need it most, and in return they let me in to be a small part of their life too. I love them like they're the family I never had.
Although 'Strings & Things' isn't my dream job, I do get to talk music all day, which I love. Trumpet players, guitarists, five year old kids wanting a ukulele, I enjoy it all. We get customers in that really know their stuff, I often get lost in the discussions. Last week a girl came in for new drum sticks and before I knew it we were bouncing different ideas and opinions off each other. I was surprised to hear that she had seen Rob Paravonian's comedic take on Pachelbel's Canon in D considering how old it is, but we must have discussed it for a solid twenty minutes. This is what I love about music. Classical, modern, whatever; it means something different to everyone.
When the store gets really quiet, Carol encourages me to practice my violin playing. She says that music is a gift, and not to waste it by letting my talents gather dust. I bet she'd give me an earful if she knew how little I've been playing recently. She loves to hear The Lark Ascending, so when I do play at the shop, I always play that for her. I don't enjoy it all that much, but I like to see her happy. Lately I've been experimenting with more modern music. Carol will tut and shake her head when she hears me play it. "I don't know what's wrong with a classic," she says. It doesn't stop her foot tapping along to the rhythm though.
Jamie isn't the biggest fan of either of the ladies. He often jokes that Michelle and Carol will start to brainwash me into hating men. It feels like I can't win. I guess if he doesn't want me working with other men, then he's got to compromise somewhere along the way.
Speaking of Jamie, he’s organised an afternoon off from work today and plans to come and meet me for lunch. He’s put in a serious amount of overtime recently and was owed a few days. There’s a big project that he and his team have been working on for over a year, but it's in the final stages now thankfully. There’s still a lot of last minute things that they have to complete, but the worst is over for sure.
Jamie works for his fathers tech company, Reynolds Group. It started out pretty small, just his dad and some guys renting some office space, but as the work came in, the business continued to grow, and now his father is worth more than I can fathom.
The second he finished college, Jamie joined the company too, his father wouldn't have allowed him to do anything else. He's involved with software design, leading the team and working endlessly while at it. He thinks that the roll out of this project they've been working on will take them multinational. The details unfortunately get lost on me. I listen to him, smile and agree like I understand, but I'm not the most tech minded person you'll ever meet, much to Jamies disappointment. I do know that he works hard though, and that he deserves some time off to rest and take a breather right now.
Towards the afternoon a small delivery of accessories arrives into the store. Stands, cables, pedals; all the fun stuff. I take it in and sign it off for the driver, it's our usual delivery guy Steve. Steve is really sweet, he loves to chat. He talks about his wife and three kids non-stop. I've seen more pictures of them than I have of Sarah's two, but they're honestly adorable. Today he's showing me photos of the family trip they took to the beach last weekend. As he flicks through the images, he makes a point of mentioning that it's high time I start to make some babies of my own. I remind him of the fact that I'm only twenty-five, but he says the younger I start the better. I swat at his shoulder and send him on his way. Steve laughs and waves his hand in the air as he heads out the door, back to his truck. As the little bell above the entrance chimes, I spot Jamie standing over by the cymbals, staring at me, one side of his lips curled up into a tight smile. I offer one of my own in response when I get a look at him, he really is so handsome.
"Hey you,” I say, keeping my smile in place. “I didn't see you come in.”
"That’s because we’re too busy flirting with Delivery Dan."
I feel my breath catch in my throat, he's not mad is he? My worry is instantly put at ease as he strides toward me, his smile now spread wide.
"It's Steve actually," I quip. "And he was just telling me that you and I should hurry up and have some babies already." Standing up on my tiptoes, I give him a peck on the cheek as he meets me.
"Is that right? Well, I'm all for practicing making babies if that helps Iz?" Jamie wiggles his eyebrows at me as he wraps his arms around my waist, making be break into a giggle.
"Don't be gross here," I say, "the ladies will hear you."
Turning away from him, I call out to Michelle as I grab my purse, telling her that I'm heading to lunch. She pops her head out from the back and waves at Jamie.
"No problem," she calls, "off you two lovebirds go, enjoy!" She gives a genuine smile to us both, but all Jamie offers is a nod of his head as he wraps his arm around my shoulder and leads the way out.
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My lunch was devoured in about ten seconds flat. I was running late this morning and had to skip breakfast, so I was famished. Setting my cutlery down, I lean back and pat my stomach. I'm so full I could burst. Jamie laughs and wipes at the corners of his mouth with his napkin.
"Do you really have to go back to work after this?," he asks. "I'd love you to take the afternoon off with me." His eyes sparkle with mischief as he try's to offer up a cute pout.
"Can't," I say with a shrug before taking a sip of my iced tea. "We have another delivery due later and no Dayna today. I don't like to leave the ladies to lift the amps by themselves, they're too heavy."
He sighs, but appears as though he's understanding. "It's really sweet that you look out for them like that Iz, maybe that delivery guy had it right about you."
I stare back at him quizzically, unsure of what he's getting at. "Steve? What do you mean?"
"Well he can obviously see how much you care for people, and how it would make you an amazing mom."
I almost choke on my tea as I hear the words leave his mouth.
"Steve thinks everyone should have ten kids Jamie," I say. "He told me once that he doesn't understand why it's not like it used to be, when the men went to work and women raised the children at home, so I wouldn't hitch my cart to too many of his bright ideas." I let out a small snort, rolling my eyes at the idea.
"You dont agree with him?" Jamie stares at me across the table, curiosity in his eyes.
"Agree with what? That women should give up every dream they have and chain themselves to the stove? Strangely, I cant say I do."
"I suppose that's fair," he says. "But what about kids? That's not a bad idea right?"
"For who?"
"Us… obviously."
"I'm starting to find it hard to tell if you're kidding," I say, furrowing my brows.
The question lingers between us.
"Why would I be kidding Izzy?"
"Oh I dont know? Maybe the fact that I haven't even started my career yet and you're asking me about kids as we sit at lunch?"
"Well when is a good time to ask about it?," he asks. "And do you even really need a career? I earn enough money for the both of us now, if things keep going this way I'll earn enough for us to support as many kids as we want." Jamie raises his fork, stuffing the last of his oversized salad leaves into his mouth. I'm almost speechless.
"Jamie, you know I want a career. I want to teach."
"Don't you think you'd be doing it by now if it was what you really wanted?"
I blink at him in shock. He cant honestly be that brazen?
I moved out of home as soon as I could, so it took me some time to save up the money I needed for college. I know I was a little late getting there, but it was always what I wanted. It's still what I want, and had Jamie not ruined it for me, it's exactly what I'd be doing right now.
Upon noticing my surprise, Jamie doubles down.
"I'm just saying Iz, what's the point in you working in that dead end place or teaching when I can take care of you and whatever brood we have?" He shrugs his shoulders as if this is a no-brainer before gulping down the last of his water.
"Dead end place?," I ask, clearly offended.
"You know what I mean, you don't plan to be there forever do you? And it's going to be hard for you to start studying again, so why do it? Why not just begin the life we want?"
"What is the life we want Jamie?"
Jamie reaches his hand across the table, taking mine. "I think we want what everyone wants Iz. The white picket fence and the house in the suburbs. A happy family that I can spoil. I'm not saying I want kids right this second, I obviously want to wait until after we're married."
Married? What the hell is going on with him today?
I'm caught so off guard that I just stare at him blankly for awhile, he's never ever once mentioned that this is what he wanted. I mean sure, maybe its a discussion we should have had, but none of this stuff ever came up, so I figured we were on the same page. I thought he knew me. I thought he knew what I now have to break to him.
"Jamie," I say quietly, thinking about my next sentence carefully. "I... um…" I meet his eyes as they glare at me with suspicion. This isn't going to go down well, but he needs to know the reality of our future, so I clear my throat and start again.
"I don't think that I do want to get married. Not ever."
"Ever?," he asks.
"Ever," I repeat.
"Wow." Jamie leans back in his chair, looking like I've just knocked the wind out of his sail. I begin to fiddle with my napkin, this conversation is probably one we should have had in private.
"You think you'd have told me something like that sooner Izzy," he says, putting both his elbows on the table and clasping his hands together. His whole mood has changed. He's suddenly colder. Angrier.
"It never came up,” I rush to explain. “I thought you knew. We've never talked about kids or marriage or any of that stuff before."
"Still," he argues, "most couples are working towards that. I thought it was a given, you’ve never said anything to the contrary, so what was I to think? I feel a bit caught off guard here if I'm honest Izzy."
"It’s not like I was hiding it, why would I do that? I just thought we were on the same page."
"So what would you have done if I had proposed to you at some point over the last four years Iz? Said no?"
"No, I'm sure we would have discussed it before that, like we are now, so I wouldn't have needed to."
"So you would?," he asks angrily, "You'd say no if I asked you?"
I sit quietly for a minute. Why does he need me to say it? Why is this so important right now?
"And what about kids?," he continues.
"What about them?,” I ask.
"Well, am I to assume you don't want any children now too?"
I hate this, I hate this whole discussion.
"No," I say. "I think I might like kids someday."
Although I feel that answer might appease him, in reality I don't know what I want. If someone were to ask me plainly if I want children, then I'm sure my answer would be yes. But if they asked if I want children with Jamie, then I wouldn't be so sure of it. I cant say I haven't thought about it, but its a whole lot more complicated than a simple yes or no.
"So you're telling me that you'd be happy to have some bastard kids running around?," Jamie says, throwing his hands in the air. His voice reaches a pitch that causes the barista to eyeball us over the top of the coffee machine.
"Jamie," I say in a hushed tone, trying to remind him of where we are. "Please don't get mad about this. I mean why is it even important? How did we go from having a nice lunch to suddenly discussing having kids?"
He huffs out a breath and folds his arms across his chest like a spoilt child. I notice his jaw flex, sending a flood of worry through me. I'm afraid that I'm not going to be able to steer this conversation to safer ground.
"Maybe it's something we should have been discussing sooner Izzy," Jamie says, "or did you prefer talking about it with your little friend Steve?" His eyes could burn a hole right through me as he waits for my reply, and I quickly realise that I've already lost any hope of making this go away.
"Please don't bring this back to the delivery guy," I say, intensionally avoiding calling Steve by his name. "Honestly, it was a harmless joke. This is all so silly, lets drop it and we can talk about it later, alone?" My eyes drift to the barista as she tries desperately to appear as though she's not listening. Jamie isn't prepared to let me off that easy though.
"When who's alone?," he snaps, "You and I, or you and Steve?"
I stare down at my lap. How am I going to make this right? What is my safest response? Is there one?
"I'm sorry," I offer. "You're right, I shouldn't be discussing things like that with other people, I won't do it again." I hold my breath and wait, praying that that's what he wants to hear.
Thankfully, I'm in luck.
Jamie sighs and reaches across the table again to take my hand. "I just want us to have everything we want Iz," he says.
I look up, meeting his blue eyes. They're as vast as the ocean, and just as terrifying too. The sad stare he's giving me right now almost makes me believe that he truly wants what’s best for both of us, but I know what he really means. He wants us to have everything that he wants, not that I'm dumb enough to argue.
"I know," I reply, "I'm sorry."
For now I'll have to toe the line. Not wanting marriage is something I thought we both agreed on, but if not, that's enough of a bombshell for today. I'm afraid of what he might do if I admit the full truth.
"Listen," I say, reaching for my napkin and wiping my mouth, "I really need to get back to work, can we talk about this later?"
"Sure,” he says, as he takes my hand and gives it a light squeeze. “I’m going to grab a coffee to take with me, you go ahead."
I smile back at him before grabbing my purse and making my way back up the street to my little safe haven. I'm suddenly appreciating the store a whole lot more than I did an hour ago.
What is Jamie thinking? Marriage? Children? How have we been on two completely different wave lengths this whole time and not known? He can't possibly think he's ready for any of that can he?
My mind begins to spiral, imagining a pudgy little toddler with light brown curly hair just like his father’s, cuddling into me in fear as Jamie screams at me for forgetting something trivial from the grocery store. How would our children turn out? Afraid to stand up for themselves like me? Or would they get their daddy's temper? What if the worst happened and Jamie decided to turn his anger on them? That thought alone is enough to root me to spot in fear.
No.
I won't let it happen. There isn't going to be any children in our future, I'll make sure of that. I've been on the pill since I was seventeen, and I intend to keep it that way. Even if I have to hide it from him.
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