Strange how our lives are told by our perspectives, our words, and most importantly, our minds. We all think differently. One situation can lead differently if others were to be put in the exact same scenario, same with like minded people, put into other situations. An example can be losing someone.660Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYX0OkjgcYN
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Me and a few friends were discussing about how two of us lost someone. I lost the closest person by an accident. My other friend, Nathan lost his wife from a divorce. We both share a similar attitude and mind. But our responses are different.
He would try to cheer up and look on the brighter side, still seeing his kids, how its equal and that reasons would have done this as a teaching lesson and that typical optimism. Me, I... I was broken, they tried to cheer me up with playful games, chats and other stuff like that. I didn't want it, not now. One got pushy and shoved him away, making him trip and break his already damaged back. I didn't mean to do it, but he saw my shocked face and only stared back in shock and anger. The others knew i didn't mean to and had no intention to. But that didn't stop my mind filling up with stress.
I've tried to fit in with this world, at a young age i thought i could grow up and be a amazing person tot he world. I wanted to do movies so, so badly... sigh, its sad really, cause it seems are hurt more people then i inspire or help. People know i'm just trying to help, but many have seen me and quickly walked away. Swearing i may get them. I grew more worried... Worry that i would. I-I don't know what to think, al-all i can think is what i've done. But my life had changed for the better at one point, when i was twenty-three, I became more... Happy, joyful and aware that i could do better. I was always going out my way to help. And in the end, i've met someone too. I figure if i try to fit in, i could find my place. After pushing so much effort, while some in my area didn't like me, when i went away, it seemed to have... Disappeared? In a way, I'm unsure what to call this moment. We chatted, hanged out and had great times. I've made friends and did my best, i thought i was going well...
But then, something happened. Something i'm unsure of... Heh, kind of the whole time... Of my existence felt, lost, so lost, and as if, as if i was cracking? Like a mirror. being damaged. I was there when i lost the closest person to me. And after that, i was there for many other for the other problems that occurred.
Many others only face so many situations before they see something good. Even if they don't, they either cope or adapt. Me, I-i don't know what to do... Its just so strange, i see so man who are happy and fine, but i've been losing more and people hate me, absolutely hate me.
As a kid, i think age six, i accidentally stab another kid. Only to be sent home for check ups, as they called it and for my family to question me, as a kid. What was i to understand then. Later the kid died, in the same day, to never have another to say goodbye or i love you to the the family. Others kept their distanced. A year later, my worries began to worsen. I tried to run away when my mother tried to grab me and throw me in my room, but i yelled at her and told her to leave me alone... Little did i know i was yelling other things, and she began to break down, i tried to hug her but i made her fell back to realize, she was having a heart attack, that break down was more then that, she was gone, just like that. And i didn't yell for help, as i didn't know. My father died shortly after as well. all i saw from what i could see a few nights later back at home, was my brother and sister crying, as a shadowed figure was floating in a room. Many years passed and i've hurt others emotionally, all i wanted was to do better. But now what remains of my family hated me, people in the area wanted me gone. I stressed and anxiety kicked in. I ran from home by seventeen. Determined to get away from my past. but...
My fears caught up. And all i knew was that i killed again, the closest person with me... W-we were talking... An-and we were on a balcony, at a party, where we were getting drunk. I never felt so alive, but soon i felt dead inside. As i had bump her off the balcony, due to the weak rail, falling was all i could see as i try to reach out my hand, but five floors later and all i could see was blood.
I snapped. I had a good life and all this time, that fear never went away, it never disappeared. I let my guard down from it and wasn't careful, but it never helped before and now. But when this happened. I knew what i was. I was a monster, all i could do is hurt people. Heh, heh. Soon i began to twitch a bit everyday, stutter a lot and move weirdly. I've gotten worse as people around me began to get hurt again. Why? Why am i doing this?
Was this fate?
Coincidence?
Or... Is this my fear, of myself?
The only thing to fear... IS yourself? Be-because your are the substance of nightmares?
This was my last friend's words, before he killed himself in front of me, because i've emotionally damaged him unintentionally. I've seen the truth now, yes i see it. I was meant to be like this. every time i see myself, i was looking at what i meant to be, this suffering i've caused was a teaching, I've become a broken, fear became real and, it became me! Heh heh aah hn, hn ha ha ha, HA HA HA!
If this is my ultimate fear, and my life. This is my mind. And everyone seems to agree i'm a monster. So why not just become the nightmare i was born to be!? The mirror has shown me, who i was all along! Its broken and lead me into another way! I'll be DAMNED to walk this path now! Forever alone to walk and cause harm!
HA HA, HAH HAH HA AAH HA HA HA HA!
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