"You can never bring back life into the dead, but you can always burry them more than just six feet down." - marshmelow_you
I stare at the mirror like I do every morning. But today, the reflection has a different story to tell. I see a woman beautiful as a cover but rather weary from within. The black A-line dress is unusual on her body. Let it go. It keeps telling me. But I stand still. Let loose or it'll break you. It says again. "I'm already broken," I whisper and wince. I let out a deep breath I have been unknowingly holding. I give my hair a final brush and leave it to fall on my back. I take the flower bouquet- rather dull looking, which consists of white lilies. The flowers are looking as depressed as I am. Even after trying hard, I cannot bring my frown up to my normal lip curve. My heart is beating at weird halts-alternatively fast or slow. Something has its claw deep in it. No matter how hard I try I cannot take if off. Every growing second, it feels heavier. I hold back the tears of memories urging to burst out and gulp down a heavy lump forming in my throat.
Something pulls me, every time I take a step closer towards the exit of my bedroom. After sighing heavily, I click my heels and stride out. I am too lost in the sea of my thoughts to notice two men all suited up already waiting for me at the door. We all walk down in an awkward silence into our car. I get seated on the passenger seat, still not even having a glance of both of them.
Bile starts forming in my stomach as I hear the engine roar. My body refuses to move but my soul wants to scream out loud and run away as far as possible. I feel a hand on the back of my palm which is resting on my lap. I don't react or even bother to look up. My gaze is still stuck on the window, every scenery passing by, but one remains intact in my mind; One which is enough to blur away the rest. A decade ago this silence would have created a vacuum of frustration but now it's my best friend.
"It'll be alright. I promise." Eric's comforting voice falls in my ears. 591Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡElclV3ghGi
'Alright' seems a very alien word.591Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBXRWs1z3IR
The ringtone of his phone breaks the silence away.
"Yes, we left. We'll reach in an hour," Eric says. I am guessing it's my mother. "Yes she's along and Troy too - yes, he's looking forward to see you too - OK, bye."
I feel his gaze on me from the corner of my eye. I still have no idea why I'm here. It's like I have no control over myself. My robotic body is operating on its own. Everything happens for a reason, I hear a distant voice from within and snort.
Within next half hour, we hit a familiar road, Huge and tall trees pacing away from my sight. They all smile at me wickedly. The houses that pass by, gives me a teasing grin. Everything welcomes me but with sarcasm. 591Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡE7llAIxg5s
After another half hour, my eye meets something warm. I am the first to step out as the car halts. A castle like white house looks at me warmly. I almost smile. I want to take it all in to a hug. I feel a warm touch on the little of my back. I finally look at Eric, his comforting eyes seems a bit unsure. Don't let me fall I want to say, but I am afraid that along with those words, a tear will escape too. I feel the presence of Troy on my other side. I tug my arm in his as we make our way within. With every little view, my heart skips a beat. Nothing has changed in fifteen years. All the memories come rushing back as I take a step into the gate. A huge green lawn smells just like it did. A lot of blurry pictures from the past flashes in front of my eyes. Few heads turn from the shaded sitting - A familiar lot. A women with half grey and half dark hair, tied up in a neat bun turn towards me. A warm smile creeps on her face but her blue glassy eyes are moist. Hers is the face that catches my attention of all the others. She pulls her black skirt down as she gets up from the table making her way towards us. I try to smile at her. My eyes reflect the joy before my lips do. I take few steps towards her with Eric and Troy in my shadow. I take her into a hug and she hugs back tightly. It feels like home. The tears I was holding back fall swiftly down my cheeks one after another. I deepen the hug as if I'm clutching onto her for my dear life. I take in a deep breath and loosen the hug to look at her. She wipes away my tears and puts a smile on her face again.
This is one of the talents I learned from her—Poker face. "How are you, mom?"
She places her palm on my cheeks and puts a strand of my hair neatly behind my ear, before taking a good look at me. This time I smile genuinely. "I'm fine sweetheart, thank you so much for coming. It means the world to me."
"I'm sure it does." I look down and reply.
"Hi my darling, come here." She moves towards Troy and hugs him. "You look so grown up."
"We just met few months ago gran. How can I look so grown up all of a sudden?" He gives her a teasing smile. I'm sure the poor boy got bored and messed up along the ride.
My mom visits us few times a year. But I clearly remember the last time I stepped in this house, or shall I say 'stepped out.' Troy visits here for his vacations at times and Eric would come to drop him. We follow her to join the rest of the crowd, which mainly consists of my aunts and uncles and few of my father’s colleagues. I don't even want to look at the lot who worked with my father. Especially the one I am dreading to encounter. I don't even dare to look around for him. After greeting our relatives I start looking for one person I was looking forward to meet. "Where's Sean?" I ask my mom.
"Oh he's upstairs," she says
I look up towards the window and find a familiar figure. I make my way inside the house and again the sack of memories starts to explode. I gulp back the lump in my throat and move along the grand copper, central staircase. I flow my hands on the white walls with golden intricate designs. I stop and stare at it as if it will talk to me. My legs carry me towards the left passage out of memory. The wooden door lay open and I see a man in black suit, looking distantly out the window, leaning on the frame with a hand in his pocket.
I smile and move towards him. But my eyes meets something and I stand still as if hit with cold ice. A frame hung on the left wall with a picture of the man that just exists in my memories—much to my displeasure. He smiles at me mockingly from within the glazed frame. You broke your promise. I knew you would come. A bird does fly back to its nest at sunset. My lips form a bitter, thin line. The words hit me hard. I see my reflection beside him. The resemblance, no matter how hard I try, can be noted very clearly. I was just a female version of him. 591Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwjDBzWHthg
I am nothing like you. I tell him.
"Hey." A voice snaps me out of my thoughts, thankfully.
"Come here sis." He moves away from the window towards me. I smile at him and he takes me into a hug. I almost get hidden in his tall frame. It was after he turned sixteen that I never was the taller one anymore.
He signs and pulls back. "How have you been?" He looks at me with a bit of concern in those blue eyes—just like my mother's.
"Just alright."
"What about my beloved brother-in-law and your kiddy."
"Same as always and mind you, that kiddy's growing up," I say, partly sitting on the table. "And when are you going to give me a chance to ask about your family?"
He just rolls his eyes and settles down on the tall black chair in front of me. "I'm a busy guy," he says, putting his legs on top of the table.
"Oh please, when you'll be free, it'll be too late and you'll be too old. You'll eventually have to marry a divorcee with two ugly fat kids." I tease him. He makes a bitter face and shudders away.
"I'm alright single. It's happier and safer this way."
I sigh finally knowing that I will not be able to convince him.
"Well it's nice to see you here. I see you are finally learning to let go." It more seems like a question than a statement.
"Not really." I turn my gaze away and get up. "We should get going." I march away not waiting for him to follow.
***
The breeze whispers to me as I stand at the entrance of the graveyard, again - alone and lost. Every time I come here, I feel like one of them - a ghost. No one knows how many times I've paid my visit here but never been able to cross the fence as if it's cursed. I wish it didn't matter. I stand still, unable to move a muscle, unable to breathe. The fence stares at me challengingly. You'll lose again. You always lose. You are weak.
My legs start wobbling; my heartbeat - too fast at times or just numb. My gaze meets a familiar crowd at a distance standing peacefully near one stone that I was never able to reach. Let it go. I hear a soft whisper. I place my hand on the gate and take a step forward. I try to push it open but can't. I can't. I can't let it go - ever. I wince and let the tear, drop freely on my cheek. I pull the gate back and close it. I take few steps back and leave. I walk as fast I can towards the car. I get in and shut the door tightly. I look at the rear-view mirror and see my face and the entrance gate at a distance. Maybe I am too weak.
