I was walking back to Paradise. My mind was blank. I did not want to go back, but I also knew that I could not survive in the outside world. God would punish me for the rest of my life if I did not come back. I would just have to accept that the prophet would have me as his third wife and I would be living my life in a place where there were no human rights. I was not happy there before, but I was not happy either in the main world.
Morri passed me in her old car and parked at the side of the road. I continued walking as I had no intention of getting in the car with her. She started walking with me. I knew she wanted to convince me to come back. This made me just continue walking on. She could talk all she wanted to. I knew what I had to do. I had to get back to Paradise.
"I can understand that you want to go back to the cult," she said, "I mean it is a place where you do not have to think. You just do what you are told to. There are of course things you do not like. Who likes to see other people suffer? Which daughter does not like to see the love from their mom becoming less and less. You do not have to believe everything they tell you. You know you can survive there!."
I did not say anything back to her. Morri told me that she would be coming to the cult with me. She told me that I could not understand how she felt about me. Morri was mad at God for taking his daughter away. Now she met a strange girl that needed help and someone to love her. Morri admitted that she felt like I was a gift from God. Morri loved me as if I was her daughter. She cared about me and she wanted the best for me. Morri told me that she would not lose me. If I wanted to be at the cult, so would she!
I could feel my eyes water up. It was years since someone told me that they loved me. I continued walking. If she wanted to join the cult, then it would be up to her. Then Morri told me one other option. I could live with my Dad. She found him and she spoke with him. He was very excited that I left the cult and wanted me to live with him. Julian was also living with him.
I stopped walking and started crying. Dad was alive? He still wanted me to live with him? Julian was there? This was a sign from God that I was not meant to be at Paradise. We walked back to the car. I spent the next few days getting ready to move to Dads house. I was so excited. I would be seeing my Dad once again. I would be seeing Julian again.
Dad lived in a city that was not that far from where Morri lived. I had to smile, as Morri kept making me promise that I would visit her. She now considered me as part of her family. The strange thing was that moving to Dads house was bittersweet. I was so thankful to Morri for saving me from the side of the road, taking care of me and helping me find my dad. She showed me conditional love, something that my real mom has forgotten about. Morri was like family and very much like a mother should be. I would just not admit it to her.
Dad lived in an apartment building. It was larger than I imagined it was. The furniture looked very modern. I could understand this, as he had to start all over when he was kicked out of the cult. Dad also looked much better than I remembered. He looked happy. I was also smiling for the first time in a long time. Dad and Julian were in the same room. I thought I would never see them again!
After we hugged each other and shed tears for a long time, Dad told us all to sit so we could have some cake. I will still admit that eating cake was still very new to me and every taste was like heaven.
Dad told his story. The Cult destroyed him and his relationship with mom. It was hard for him after he was kicked out. Dad had no money and just the clothes on his back. He moved into grannies house and she helped him to get his life together. Dad had a lot of problems when he left. He missed mom and he felt so guilty that he ever agreed in joining the cult. It was hard he could not contact me. He sent me many letters but knew I would never see them. Despite all this, Dad found some work and even had some friends in a chess club. He was as happy as he could be.
Dad told me that Granny always prayed for me and her deepest prayer was that I would leave the cult. She could now rest in peace.
Julian has a similar story. He was still a teen when he was kicked out of the cult. He had no family or friends. By some luck, he found my dad and my Dad offered him a place to stay. He also had a lot of problems when he left the cult. However, it helped him to start school. Julian smiled and said that he even had a girlfriend now.
Morri left and I unpacked in my new bedroom. I had mixed emotions. I was so happy to be with Dad again. That was a dream that came true. However, the dream that Julian would be my boyfriend was now shattered. He now had a girlfriend. I felt like crying that the boy that I loved for years has moved on. I could understand why. He never thought that he would see me again. Dad was also like a father to Julian, so this would be strange.
I decided to go back to school again. I wanted to be a teacher and help children. It was a cultural shock to go back to school. It was the last year of school and I was the oldest. It was strange seeing other girls and boys so stylish. They all stared at me as if I was an alien. Some were nice though and welcomed me to the school. Others asked strange questions like, "Is it true what they say about you?"
The classes were very hard and I knew from the start that I would have to study hard. There were no lessons on the Devil or what the prophet said. This was an education for the real world. I did my best to try to understand everything. I was the smartest girl when I was in the cult. Now I felt as if I was one of the dumb girls.
I tried being friends with the girls. However, they only talked about boys, the latest fashion and music. This was impossible for me, as I knew nothing about these. This world outside the cult confused me. I knew I could be popular if I believed certain things and acted in a certain way. I remembered before I joined the cult that I wore the right clothes and liked the same music. Now I had no clue. Most of the music that they listened to was rubbish and the clothes showed too much skin.
I was also so shy around the boys. It seemed as if they constantly were flirting with girls and acting like they were Gods gift to mankind. I was lucky that none of the boys flirted with me. It was a bit hard for them to flirt with me, as I kept a low profile.
I was known as the older girl. I was now an adult while the others were younger. This made them think that I was not intelligent. I can see why they got this impression as I was way behind in what I knew. They also knew me as the cult girl. According to them, I was a prude and a religious fanatic. It did not help that at times, I tried to find a quiet corner where I asked God for some guidance and not leave me alone.
Being at a normal school was a nightmare. It was not just about studies, it was also about being social. I had problems with both. This quickly led to me being constantly sad and depressed. Not only did I not want to go to school, but I also did not want to get out of bed. The discipline I learned from the cult forced me to enure school day after day. At home, I would study and try to catch up, only to end up in tears over an impossible task.
I was far behind in school and the idea of even passing was a dream. I was also an outcast. The students were afraid I would entice them to join a cult or they would think I was a religious maniac. All this ended up at me getting mad at Dad. I told him that he was a weak man for even allowing his family to join a cult. Could he not see what it has done to me and that he destroyed my life?
It was hard to accept that I was not normal and like the others. It was hard to accept that I was not popular. I would never be seen as normal, no matter what happened. It was as if I would also have a sign over my head telling people that I was in a cult. They did not see me as a survivor. They thought I sold my soul and body to the cult. They even suspected that I was on a secret mission to recruit more members!
This changed one Friday when a group of girls invited me to the pub after a long week of school. I agreed and for the first time in my life, I was in a pub. The girls laughed at me when I ordered some Pepsi. I was told that God was not watching me now. I tasted some cocktail and it was like angels were dancing on my tongue. One cocktail after another one followed. The small table was full of empty glasses. I was so happy and it was like I had no worries at all. We were joking and laughing and just winding down.
I do not know how I got home. I just remembered Dad and Julian helping me the next day as I was so sick. Dad explained it was a hangover and the price to pay when I was having too much fun. He hoped that I have learned a lesson.
I had a hangover for much of the day and once again prayed for guidance. I even tried to ring my mom but hung up when I heard their voice. I am sure that God did not approve of me getting so drunk, that my body was in turmoil. The constant headache must have been a warning from him.
One of the girls sent me a text message later on in the day saying I was fun to be with. She asked me did I want to come to a party later on?
To be continued
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