That night, the celebrations were huge. Not only had I returned home, but I was in one piece, and despite the pain of knowing I'd lost my wolf and that I'd never be able to bear cubs, being alive was enough cause for celebration, and we took it with both hands.
One dark note did mar the celebrations, however; Ethan had been tried that day, and had, unfortunately, managed to talk his way out of the hefty sentence he should have gotten. Instead, he was sentenced to only 15 years, as opposed to the two life sentences he should have gotten instead. An immediate appeal had been launched, however, and now Ethan's future hung in doubt as he was remanded pending the appeal, which would take place at the start of the year. I did, however, take comfort in knowing that he was heavily guarded day and night, and wards had been placed around his mind in order to ensure he couldn't communicate with Finn.
As for him, he'd been sentenced to life without parole, and though he'd made it clear he was going to appeal, his chances seemed unlikely, not after all the damning testimonies he had stacked against him. I wasn't the only one he'd done this too, and with all those statements ready to be thrown at him again, he didn't have a snowball's chance in hell of getting out. In fact, I found out later on he'd given up on his appeal, finally accepting that he was beaten. But he wasn't broken, and, like Ethan, he was guarded day and night, and his mind too had been fenced off to make sure he could communicate with no one at all. I almost felt sorry for him, but reminded myself of the hell he had put me through, and that was more than enough to kill the pity quite quickly.
In the meantime, one more sweep of the country had been done, to make sure any remaining operatives had been picked up. Finn had confirmed they were all accounted for, but no one believed him, and for good reason. Thankfully though, he was telling the truth, and once the coast was clear, I finally set out for Penzance in August. I did feel a slight shiver, remembering how, ten years ago, everything had fallen apart, but as I set out that day, I told myself that I was going home, that I was safe, and that Mason would rip apart the first person who so much as looked at me wrong. He'd adopted me as another sister during my second stay in Reading, and was thus quite protective of me.
It was actually quite a nice feeling.
Naturally, when we reached the packhouse in Peznance, I was once more almost smothered to death by my relieved pack members - of which there were a few more. In total, there were now about fifteen living in the mansion now, and more were coming to check the estate out and see if they too wanted to join. Not all would - for many, Simon's ghost held too many bad memories, and James, who was now working hard to erase the pack's bad image, wasn't entirely trusted either. He didn't blame the more cautious wolves for feeling that way.
"I didn't cover myself in glory while I was Beta," he admitted, as we sat in the rear courtyard. It was a mild day, and while there was now a nip in the air, the sun was still warm enough to keep most of the oncoming chill at bay. "Truth be told, I feel almost like I want to become a solitary."
I put a hand on his arm. "I'd miss you," I said. We hadn't really talked about our feelings, and with Samuel's memory still heavy on my heart, I knew there'd always be that standing in the way of anything happening between James and I. It was a heartbreaking realisation, and I could already feel that core of heat finally start to cool down. James smiled sadly.
"I did love you," he said, giving my hand a squeeze. "And I still do. There's always going to be that part of me that will care for you. But there's always going to be a distance between us, and that is why we can never be together." He sighed. "If I hadn't let my past rejection hurt me so badly, then maybe you wouldn't have rejected me, and then Samuel wouldn't have taken advantage of you."
I bristled slightly at the unspoken implications. "Well, it's not like I had a choice with Samuel, not when he absconded with me in the middle of the night," I said sharply. "And he had me at his bloody mercy almost all the time, apart from when I was in the packhouse at Reading. And you sure as hell can't blame me for your boorish behaviour."
I withdrew my hand and stood. "If you'd really loved me," I said, "then you wouldn't have let my rejection stop you. And you would have moved heaven and earth to make sure Samuel couldn't get away."
James got to his feet, open anger on his face. "Are you saying I'm to blame for your misfortunes?" he snapped.
"Well, someone has to be," I said, giving him glare for glare.
"You could have fought him off, you know," James retorted.
"Oh, so now we're actually properly victim blaming?" I said, not entirely surprised, but hurt all the same.
James looked taken aback by the pain in my voice. "I didn't mean it..." he began, suddenly looking stricken, but I put my hand up.
"Save it," I said coldly. "I don't want to hear another word out of your mouth that isn't a sincere apology."
Silence fell, and for a long moment, I hoped that James might actually see sense, thus giving us a chance to make some repair on our relationship. But he turned away, shame, anger, disappointment, and guilt chasing themselves across his face. And as I watched him walk away, I felt that core of heat chill inside me, before shattering into a million pieces. The pain almost made me run after James and beg for his forgiveness, but remembering the way he'd all but blamed me for our failed start - and the way he'd then openly blamed me for not being able to fight off a male twice my height and three times my strength - I held back the urge.
He was never going to listen to reason, and his male pride would never accept that he was wrong. And I had no interest in a male like that.
So I let him go, and only after he vanished from my sight did I finally let the tears fall. It was more for our doomed relationship than for any lingering feelings for the male himself, but I did admit that there was a bit of sadness that his love for me hadn't been strong enough to overcome this setback. I refused to blame myself, though. James had been an ass the entire time I'd known him, and truth be told, I wasn't entirely sure if I'd ever want to be with a male carrying that much bitterness inside. Any male who let his bitterness get the better of him when faced with a second chance at love was a male who needed time alone to sort out their issues before even thinking about trying their luck with romance again.
I hoped James would find it.
As for myself, I knew I had ways and means to start a new life without him. Already Daniel, Skylar, Calenb and Zachariah were talking about alliances, and I firmed my shoulders as I went back into the mansion and upstairs to my old room. I'd gone shopping for an entirely new wardrobe upon my return to Reading, and I pulled out the new swimsuit I'd bought, a smile touching my face.
I'd lost James, but I still had my pack. That was enough to warm the chill in my soul as I chnaged changed into the swimsuit, before taking up a towel and hurrying downstairs. I'd be joining the others for their meeting later, but right now, I had unfinished business.
Outside, the sun was still high in the sky, but no one was around, and I sighed in relief as I entered the poolhouse, and my spirits rose even higher when I saw the pool beckoning me, sunlight dancing across its surface as if welcoming me home. I lost no further time and dumped my towel on one of the banana lounges before diving in.
The cool blue water surrounded me, and I closed my eyes as it flowed over my body and through my still-short hair, delighting in the way the water felt on my skin, and, when I opened my eyes, taking pleasure in the way the sunlight danced off the tiles in the familiar patterns I thought I might never seen again. Once more I welcomed the feeling of being safe, where no one could hurt me, or betray me. And though I knew I had the rest of my pack to be there for me, here, under the water, I was truly safe.
But I did have a world to return to, and a pack who needed me. Even so, I held out for a long as I could, until my lungs were on fire, my chest aching with the need to breathe, and finally, as my air ran out, I broke the surface, breathing deeply.
I trod water, just enjoying where I was. Life would have its ups and downs, and there would be nights where I'd regret chasing James away. But as I let myself sink under one last time, I knew I'd done the right thing for myself. He had too many issues for us to ever be able to work, and I didn't need that type of bitterness in my life. I'd been hurt too much and too deeply for my heart to ever fully trust any male again.
There were perks to being in a pack, though, andfriendship was definitely one of those perks. And my friends still loved me. That love, I knew, would be more than enough to carry me through the days ahead.
With that comforting thought, I rose to the surface again, out of air once more, but tingling all over with the thrill of being alive to enjoy such sensations as running out of air underwater and having to kick my way to the surface so I could breathe. It was the little things, I reminded myself with a smile, as I climbed out of the pool and wrapped the towel around myself before hurrying back to the house. And so long as I had this, and my friends, I knew I was going to be okay.
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